Star Trek: Deep Space Nine “Profit and Lace” (part 5 of 6)

When we return from commercial break, it’s time to put on makeup, it’s time to light the lights, it’s time to get things started on my torment tonight. There’s a close-up on dangling earrings being put on (relatively) small Ferengi ears, and we pan down to a massive, paisley-covered bosom. You see, they’re slowing working their way up to the big reveal. Because you definitely have to build up to something this hilarious. (Either that, or they’re desperately trying to blunt the shock and avoid sending every child watching into therapy.)

We hear Rom’s voice complimenting Dr. Bashir’s work. From offscreen, Leeta comments that it must have been a “delicate procedure”. Er, exactly how invasive was this procedure, anyway? Or do I really want to know?

The finishing touches are complete. The camera pulls back to reveal Quark transformed into a woman, standing wobbly on high heels. Quark asks what they all think, and everyone quickly lies that he looks nice, which is certainly something I couldn’t manage to do in the same situation. I think my bloody, erupting, flaming eye sockets would probably give away my true sentiments.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine "Profit and Lace" (part 5 of 6)

erfh;oerfA:hAHRfAFwe … Sorry, I was cleaning the vomit off my keyboard.

Zek grumps that Quark’s voice is still a dead giveaway, leading to the expected comic bit of Quark trying to sound like a woman. Hey, if Jodie Foster can convince people with that voice of hers, Quark should have no problem.

Quark then sees himself in a mirror, an experience only slightly less repugnant than the big reveal at the end of every episode of The Swan. Quark actually begins bawling, which Rom and Leeta attribute to “hormones”.

Yeah, that’s right, as will soon be seen in gory detail, Quark had a sex change. Not just a little makeup or a little plastic surgery or anything like that, a full blown sex change operation. And I really don’t need to bring up the last time we saw a sex change operation in the Agony Booth and how nauseating that was, do I?

You know, it’s almost like someone dared the writers to make this episode even more appalling than it already is, and now we have to deal with the mental image of Dr. Bashir cutting off Quark’s nads. Have you no decency, sirs? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?

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Multi-Part Article: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine "Profit and Lace"

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