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Sportsball Time! USA v Germany Liveblog

by · June 26, 2014

U-S-A! U-S-A!

OPEN WIDE FOR SOME SOCCER! Fast kickin’, low scorin’, and ties? You better hope so, because if Germany beats the U.S. by a bunch, then the World Cup will proceed with less freedom-loving teams and without the best rapper alive. It’s the HappyNiceTime USA v Germany liveblog! If you haven’t yet, you should read Sara’s post about how this game is Hitler’s worst nightmare (other than the Soviet 1st Shock Army, natch). Aaaaand cue the obligatory golden-age Simpsons clip:

And here is another video you might want to look at. American coach Jürgen Klinsmann has a suspiciously German-sounding name (LIKE EISENHOWER, HENNGGGHHH?), and wouldn’t you know it, he once played footie for Zee Chermans! Here is Klinsmann playing in the 1990 World Cup and earning a Best Supporting Actor nod for a truly fantastic dive.

That’s just raw diving talent, right there. Also, Recife (where the game match is being played) is totes flooded right now, you guys.

Also, did you know that the German team’s nickname is “Die Mannschaft,” which just means “The Team” in German but sounds like something different in English? True story, today’s match is between Die Mannschaft and The Yanks, chortle, snicker, guffaw. Here’s a breakdown of the Mannschafting the Americans can expect to see today. Also, Clint Dempsey single-footedly won the Cold War.

Anyway, the game kicks off at 11am Eastern time, and we will be liveblogging it at you, hooray.

*****

95th minute: THE U.S. LOSES, BUT WE’RE STILL GOING THROUGH TO THE NEXT STAGE! DE-FAULT, DE-FAULT, DE-FAULT!

94th minute: The U.S. nearly scores twice. ESPN cuts to slow-mo shots of chicks in American-flag bikinis.

93rd minute: Overheard in my office: “I haven’t seen the Germans stall this much since the last time Greece asked for a bailout.”

88th minute: Twitter gives us this preview of what we can expect from this week’s Sunday talk shows.

80th minute: Gorgeous Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo scores! This is super-duper helpful for the U.S. It also makes us have strange feels.

76th minute: Here’s the Univision call on Germany’s goal.

73rd minute: Two American players collapse to the turf, begging for calls and spoiling an attack. One of the Americans ran into his own teammate. Jermaine Jones appears to have a nose bleed, which requires the attention to two trained medical professionals.

72nd minute: Ian Darke says, “The U.S. needs to get some possession.” THANKS FOR THAT BRILLIANT INSIGHT, IAN.

67th minute: The “U-S-A! U-S-A!” chant breaks out loud enough for ESPN’s microphones to pick it up. Our flag was still there.

62nd minute: Studly, dredlocked American Kyle Beckerman gets a YELLOW CARD. Taylor Twellman observes that this game has gotten chippy. Ian Darke reminds us that another Ghana goal could knock out the United States.

61st minute: Shut up, Germany fans, yer in ‘Murica now.

60th minute: Ah, shit, Ghana tied it up. This is bad news for the Americans, because of soccer’s stupid tie-breaking rules.

55th minute: DISASTER STRIKES! Germany scores off a second-chance blast from Thomas Müller. Look, we’ve lost battles to Zee Chermans before, only to eventually win the war, right guys?

49th minute: Hey, what’s going on over in that Ghana-Portugal game, huh?

46th minute: ESPN commentator Taylor Twellman says, “Gonzalez doing anything he can to get him off.” We giggle.

Halftime: A Twitter user asks an important question.

Halftime: The United States American National Kicking Sport Team is tied 0-0 (“nil-nil” in Soccerese) heading into halftime. What do you think happens when all those sweaty, sexxxy men get into the locker room, all covered in warm Brazilian rain? We are betting tickle fights.

45th minute: OHMIGOD MICHAEL BRADLEY ONCE AGAIN FUCKS UP AN AMERICAN ATTACK. And then he makes a dangerous, cleats-first tackle against Germany’s best forward. DO LESS, BRADLEY, Jesus corner-kicking Christ…

37th minute: Omar Gonzalez gets a YELLOW CARD for basically running over some German dude.

34th minute: Michael Bradley gives away another ball in the German half, prompting a swift German counterattack [insert Battle of the Bulge joke here]. Michael Bradley, you are fucking killing us here.

29th minute: Jermaine Jones runs into the back of the ref, collapses to the ground looking for a penalty. Soccer players are made of spun sugar and butterfly eyelashes.

25th minute: Michael Bradley ONCE AGAIN has a horrible first touch and totally fucks up a promising American attack. You are dead to us right now, Michael Bradley, do you hear us? DEAD.

22nd minute: Jermaine Jones is the fastest man alive, and he starts a break upfield, leading to Graham Zusi juuuuuust barely missing with a shot over the crossbar.

14th minute: We see this on Twitter.

11th minute: YELLOW CARD! A German player, Benedikt Hoewedes, is given a yellow card in the pouring rain for committing a crime against soccer. This is soccer’s way of telling him he is a bad boy, and he should stop being bad.

8th minute: TIM HOWARD! Timmy saves a dangerous cross in front of the goal mouth, and he uses his hands, which he can do, because goalkeepers are magic. Also, we are switching to a different time-stamping format.

12:02pm: We get our first mention of German midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger, who has the best name in the whole World Cup. Say it three times fast and send yourself into fits of giggles.

12:00pm: The game kicks off with Teutonic punctuality. There is almost an immediate throw-in. Also, the field is super-wet, and that’s all anyone is talking about.

11:57am: Zee Chermans are singing “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles.” The Polish team shifts nervously in its seats.

11:55am: The teams are on the field accompanied by their child-slaves, and the American national anthem is being played! Is there a better national anthem? FUCK NO THERE IS NOT, #AMERICA!

11:47am: Since everyone else is talking about it, here’s American coach Jürgen Klinsmann’s get-out-of-work-free note.

11:40am: We run down to the watch party at D.C.’s Dupont Circle, where we are asked if we would like to take a free personality test by a well-meaning member of the Church of Scientology (not pictured).

U-S-A! U-S-A!

11:21am: We are switching from hi-def to standard def because COMCAST IS THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING WORST.

 

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  • Respiteini

    I cannot snark about sportsball. Sportsball is srs bsns. How are the crowds at Dupont Circle?

  • EricPoole

    In defense of Jones’ treatment – They had to get as many people on the task of stopping his nosebleed because you’re not allowed to play and bleed at the same time, not like the good old days when I took a huge gash on my chin during a rugby match and stayed in there bleeding all over everyone.Good times. Good times. Until Magic Johnson ruined it for everyone.(Disclaimer: Magic Johnson is one of my favorite athletes in the history of sportsball. But after he made the HIV-positive announcement, everyone went all squeamish about blood and passed rules that athletes had to leave the game until their bleeding stopped. Such regulations were referred to as “Magic Johnson” rules)

  • Gustave188

    I’ve never seen so many pratfalls. At least it’s over.

  • Respiteini

    Um, you can show that Ronaldo pic again. I think we all fell just a little bit in love with him today.

  • cassamandra

    They’re sining “Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit.” It’s not particularly funny to claim otherwise, in case it was intentional.

  • r_dale

    OMG, that clip is the intro to the bestest Simpsons ever, The Cartridge Family!

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