Feb 2, 2017
‘Space Jam 2’ Is Apparently A Thing And LeBron James Wants In Maybe Or Maybe Not
1996 was a pretty exciting time. For example, did you know that nearly 20 years ago the Clintons were ceaselessly embroiled in pointless scandal? You probably do, because idiots won’t stop bringing it up. Everything old is new again! And in case that was not enough terrible ’90s nostalgia for you, we’re pleased to announce that there’s a non-zero chance that the beloved (?) 1996 Michael Jordan / Looney Tunes vehicle Space Jam may be getting a sequel. Come, get dewy-eyed with nostalgia for a bad movie with us!
Have you ever watched Space Jam? We sure haven’t. We were nine years old when it came out, which is admittedly prime merchandising age. Yet even in second grade we were fairly sure that a cash-grab film about cartoon characters playing basketball with Michael Jordan and also aliens was pretty stupid. Our roommate informs us that we missed the fuck out, and Space Jam was in fact the best part of the ’90s and we need to get over our stodgy-ass overly-serious selves. Maybe we are stodgy asses, but we draw the line here, and refuse to watch Michael Jordan play basketball with Daffy fucking Duck for Happy. Our loyalty only goes so far. We refuse to slam; we refuse to jam.
Thankfully, the internet has taught us the things that we need to know, which is that Michael Jordan cannot act, and the script rewrites bisexual transvestite Bugs as boring and heteronormative and that makes our little gendermonster heart Very Sad. And we know that Chuck Jones is pretty sure that the actual Looney Tunes, not these sad wimps on the screen, would have wiped the floor with the Monstars or whatever they’re called. And we also know that there is Bill Murray, for some reason, playing himself in a cameo so bizarre and painful that it wraps around and becomes excellent again, and that is almost enough to get us to watch the damn thing, and yet even that can’t get us to give in and see it.
So why would you even make a sequel to a movie like this, one that nobody except our roommate remembers fondly? Haha, you are dumb, it is because of money. Warner Brothers could basically swim around in giant pools made of cocaine and whore diamonds thanks to the money this film made. America enthusiastically said yes to Space Jam, and in retrospect this probably set us up for a lifetime of cynicism and misery, from a very early age.
But can Warner Brothers pull it off again? After everybody knows that the first product was Not Very Good, can they get us to pony up to see more of the same? Apparently they are willing to try, or at least interested in poking the Internet to see what Space Jam -related feelings squirt out. Last week, rumors started circulating that Space Jam 2 was going to happen, and LeBron James was going to be in it. There was not really much to the rumors, other than 1) Space Jam 2; 2) it would be directed by Charlie and Willie Ebersol, children of Dick Ebersol; and 3) LeBron James is good at basketball and people like him so LeBron James will happen in a dumb movie. And that was enough to get the Internet chatter machine going.
However! This concept is apparently so poorly thought out that nobody remembered to even tell its star about it. LeBron James’ agent went to the media within hours to refute the rumors that Space Jam 2 would involve him. We are not really fancy showbusiness types, but we feel fairly certain that people do not lie about this sort of thing.
So that’s it, right? We’re saved. This cash-grab isn’t happening. Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks, and there’s no way this could —
Q. There were conflicting reports about you starring in a Space Jam remake.
JAMES: “It’s news to me. I haven’t heard anything about it. Like I said, I’ve always loved Space Jam 1. It was one of my favorite movies growing up. If I have the opportunity, it’d be great … We’ll see what happens.”
Q. Does a matchup with the Monstars freak you out at all?
JAMES: “Absolutely. Those guys are very intimidating and they’re bigger than us. We’ve got to do our due diligence here on Earth.”
LEBRON, WE ARE DISAPPOINT.
So in conclusion, this is happening? Maybe? As a Millennial, we are filled with preemptive dread. We invite you to please join us in drowning our sorrows in an entire bottle of rum, and consoling ourselves with this mock “30 for 30” segment.