May 3, 2017
Southland Tales (2006) (part 1 of 10)
The Cast of Characters:
Boxer Santaros (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson). An action star with conservative political ties, amnesia, and a lot of tattoos. Uncertain of why he’s in this movie.
Krysta Now (née Kapowski) (Sarah Michelle Gellar). A porn star with an ambitious marketing plan, and clairvoyant abilities. Uncertain of why she’s in this movie.
Ronald Taverner (Seann William Scott). A guilt-ridden Iraqi war veteran, and the conscious twin brother of Roland Taverner (see below), a supposed racist cop. Uncertain of why he’s in this movie.
Roland Taverner (Seann William Scott). A supposed racist cop, and the unconscious twin brother of Ronald Taverner (see above), a guilt-ridden Iraqi war veteran. Uncertain of why he’s also in this movie.
Baron von Westphalen (Wallace Shawn). A German alternative-energy guru with plans of his own for world domination. He knows why he’s in this movie, but he’s not telling.
Pilot Abilene (Justin Timberlake). A disfigured Iraqi war vet with a chip on his shoulder. Also acts as the film’s chorus. Enjoying himself way too much to care why he’s in this movie.
The Republicans (Miranda Richardson, Holmes Osborne, John Larroquette, Mandy Moore). They want to win California’s 55 electoral college votes and take over the internet. They’re in this movie for… some reason.
The Neo-Marxists (Amy Poehler, Wood Harris, Cheri Oteri, Nora Dunn, Lisa K. Wyatt, and maybe Kevin Smith). A bunch of hippie terrorists mostly recruited from the cast of Saturday Night Live. They want to blow stuff up and shoot stuff. No one knows why they’re in this movie.
Martin Kefauver (Lou Taylor Pucci). A professional wigger. Doesn’t know why he’s in this movie, dawg.
Moby. A musician who composed the majority of the soundtrack. He’s not actually in this movie, but I included him because I like his songs. That’s all the reason I need. All he knows about this movie is that he got a nice check at the end of the day.