Sorry Ladies, But You Are Terrible Hairy Beasts Who Cannot Handle Double Thick Burgers

Sorry Ladies, But You Are Terrible Hairy Beasts Who Cannot Handle Double Thick Burgers

We won’t be happy if we have to make Terrible Ads By Terrible People For Terrible Products a regular thing at Happy, but with today’s bumper crop of awful, we may head that way. Today we learn that ladies turn into dudes if they don’t shave, but that’s cool because only dudes can eat burgers.

First up, Veet. Veet, if you are not familiar, used to be called Neet, and it is pretty much a cut-rate Nair. Remember Nair?

Now you will have that jingle stuck in your head all day.

So all of these are a type of hair removal cremes that does something chemically complicated and melts the hair off your skin instead of shaving the hair off your skin or tearing the hair off your skin or lasering the hair off your skin. So many ways to get that pesky hair off your body, ladies!

What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, Veet. Veet has some new ads out and they are seriously christ on a cracker godawful bits of sludge about how if you only shave instead of melting the hair off your legs, you will get stubble the next day, and then you will be a dude, and your dude will be sad and freaked out that you are now a big hairy man.

Are you done LOLing to death with the sheer funny of that? Ladies, are you running out to get your legs silky smooth THIS VERY SECOND so you don’t grow a penis along with all that body hair? We thought so!

Now, if you decide to just keep on being a big old hairy dude, there is an upside, because then and only then can you eat an enormous drippy burger from Carl’s Jr.

Yes, ladies, you may be Mystique, a sexy shape-shifting star of X-Men: Days of Future Past, but please turn into a dude before you eat this pile of meat, because ladies can’t handle all that bacon, amirite?

So what’s it gonna, be, wimminz? Smooth legs and no burger, or hairy manliness all over so you can get some Carl’s Jr? Choose arbitrarily, because either way you lose.


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  • Hammiepants

    Carl’s is THE WORST. Remember the Paris Hilton washing a car in a bikini eating a giantass burger? I never did get WTF that was about?

    • gullywompr

      I did.

    • Greg Comlish

      that part seemed pretty self-explanatory

  • Mark Rinzel

    “Carl’s Jr. Fuck you, I’m eating!”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Zach Galifianakis- from between the ferns to between the sheets

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    It’s all that damn shaving and burning that makes the hair prickly in the first place! Just leave it alone, and it will be nice and soft.What’s the obsession with hairlessness these days?

  • Greg Comlish

    Oh Man, Mystique is going to totally eat that burger! And then she’s going to jerk off manly-style all over your face! And you’re going to be dripping w/ jizz and BBQ sauce and then she’s going to say “Oh yeah, you like that? You like it, slut? You’re a slut! Carl’s Junior!”

  • Annie Towne

    I am proud to say that *all* my hairs remain firmly in their little follicles, and I have never, not even one time, eaten at Carl’s. Yuck.

    • glennisw

      I ate there once, hungover. The grease helped.

  • Connie Jennings

    That burger looks delicious. What man?

  • $73376667

    Do the warning labels on that stuff still say “not for use on face?” Because seriously…

  • MaxUdargo

    Was there ever a time when Carl’s Jr. ads weren’t obnoxious? I seem to remember ads with some kindly old man who must have been Carl or Carl’s son Junior or something, but the memory is foggy. Since then every ad has been built around some dorky double entendre or people slobbering all over their clothing. I haven’t eaten there since the mid 80s, and it’s entirely because of their advertising. Maybe they have the best fast food in the world, I’ll never know.Oh, and I’ll never shave my legs either. Because of the ads.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Obligatory:Did you hear that Wendy is pregnant? It seems Carl, Jr. forgot to wrap the Hardee!

  • Fuck you, I’m eating

  • Bobo4u

    Who doesn’t love a fur burger?