Bing Beats Google! (In All-Important ‘Historic Women of 2013’ Making Us Cry Contest)

If you search for a picture of "bing" on Bing, nothing much happens to the universe

Google had a winner with “Zeitgeist 2012,” a bunch of cool stuff we searched for that year. It used Felix Baumgartner’s video selfie jumping out of a space balloon like a maniac — a good thing for Google, because otherwise it would be remembered for featuring “Blade Runner” Oscar Pistorius, later charged with killing his girlfriend.

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I somehow avoided seeing this year’s Google Zeitgeist until New Year’s Eve, when it ran as a commercial during the “Carson Daly and Hired Friends Have A Drunk, Awkward Conversation 2013 Show,” and guess what!

Zeitgeist 2013 sucked!

For one thing, it’s premised on lies. No, Google, I did not in fact search for “new beginnings” in 2013. Statistically speaking, nobody did! You are just saying that because you want to glue together some smartphone video of the Royal Baby, gay marriage, and Pope Francis.

I was willing to give it a chance until the following voice-over, accompanied by some Discovery Channel circa 2003 computer animation of a satellite: “We are now in a position to look at the other worlds of our solar system.” … THIS was the coolest thing anyone said about space in 2013? Newsflash, Google: Galileo goddamned Galilei was “in a position to look at other worlds in our solar system” like 400 years ago! The man discerned Jupiter’s moons through a self-constructed telescope! Google it!

Then came the usual clot of People Who Lived, People Who Died, sports crap, Harlem Shakes, “What Does the Fox Say?” (muted, thank GOD), and 3D printed dancing robots. Somehow, even these were not especially cool. See for yourself:

Extra credit for featuring the Syrian “independence flag,” but still, C-minus.

Bing, on the other hand, made us cry:

Gabby Giffords! Antoinette Tuff! Janet Yellen! Malala Yousafazi (she was in the Google one, too, but !) Edith Muthafukkin Windsor! Margaret Thatcher… sure, whatever. Angela Merkel… ok? But the important thing here is all the rest of them who are not those two! So much welled-up pride threatening to leak out of our eyes!

We are not even going to be like “No Wendy Davis WTF!” except for this one time.

Now, Google could have made this one a lot closer if they’d had the nads to feature Edward Snowden, but of course they didn’t.

People, for the sake of Google’s Zeitgeist 2014, please do a lot more inspiring, viral things. If your thing is going to cost a lot of money and may kill you, see if Red Bull wants to help out.

Here’s some inspiration for you: “rocket hat.” Aaaand… GO!

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