Apr 30, 2020
To The Victor Go The Spoils: We Won The War On Christmas, So Now We Get Sonia Sotomayor To Ball Hard In The New Year
If you ever wondered “when will one event combine my love of freezing outdoor events, music’s fading stars and newer hotties, and the Justices of the Supreme Court?” today is your luckiest day, because Sonia Sotomayor will lead the 60-second countdown and push the big button to lower the big ball during Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.
Will wingnuts revolt because it is a liebrul judge? Will FoxNews give equal time to Antonin Scalia, letting him stomp tiny disco balls in rage?
Any chance the right will just boycott 2014 over this and stay locked in the past, where they clearly wish to reside? Oh hey look, Elizabeth Hasselbeck leads the 9pm countdown, so eat the crumbs Times Square has thrown to you, conservatives.
Seriously, this will be the best night of our stupid lives. Sotomayor will probably dance and sing with Ryan Seacrest and an animatronic Dick Clark, which is the stuff dreams are made of, right? We’re gonna go with hell yeah right.
True fact: we had to spend 15 minutes this morning trying to figure out if the whole Times Square ball drop thing is the same as the whole Rockin’ New Year’s Eve thing and we are still not really sure. It looks like maybe Ryan Seacrest and Dick Clark’s head in a jar broadcast from Times Square, but cut away from the lesser Times Square activities like fan dancing, which must make the Times Square people kinda mad because they have jam packed the early hours of this event with every possible product placement giveaway known to man:
The Times Square Alliance sanitation crew clad in bright red uniforms begins to distribute tens of thousands of fun handouts to the Times Square revelers for cheering in the New Year. Nivea is providing festive blue New Year’s Eve hats and blue balloons tied with silver mylar ribbons along with useful Nivea Lip Care product to keep our lips looking and feeling beautiful for that magical kiss at midnight. The Sino-American Friendship Association is providing beautiful red scarves and The Amazing Spider-Man 2™ movie is providing mittens to keep us warm through the night.
Fun! Festive! Synergistic!
So after everyone smears their entire faces with the complimentary Nivea face stuff to stave off frostbite (which is a GOOD look, let’s be honest) then Dick Clark rises from the dead and we get all the rockin’ action we want and need and deserve.
“Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest” kicks off at 10 p.m. ET. Fergie will host the show from Los Angeles, while [Jenny] McCarthy is live from Times Square, where, as ever, this year’s multi-colored ball will start its downward drop at one minute before midnight. […]
This year, Miley Cyrus will close out 2013 with a live performance from Times Square. After the countdown, the show will open 2014 with a live remote with Billy Joel at the Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn.
Is it too much to hope for that there’s a massive sort of street protest flash mob dealio where people organize a giant air drop of pamphlets promoting vaccines onto Jenny McCarthy’s head? Or perhaps they can all feign the horrible and horribly loud effects of whooping cough every time she talks? Lord knows that is what we’d be doing if we were there, but we will not be in Times Square on New Years eve, because even Sonia Sotomayor is not enough to get us to stand around huddled in the cold with lip goo-smeared strangers for 8 hours. Everyone has their line in the sand, and this one’s ours.