Remember the good old days, when the only precautions you needed to remember when it came to good relationships gone bad were: (1) don’t tattoo his name to your ass or other unmentionables; (2) don’t get really drunk and elope with him in Vegas at an Elvis Chapel; and (3) don’t get pregnant with his evil spawn? Well, unfortunately, for you, lovelorn reader, it is now 2015, which means you are required to add yet another dire warning to your list of Dubious Relationship Don’ts:

DON’T PAY APPROXIMATELY 10K TO HAVE YOUR EGGS FERTILIZED WITH HIS SPERM, AND HAVE THEM SUBSEQUENTLY FROZEN FOR LATER USE!

Because, if you do, a bunch of religious zealots will crash your date with your new hot fiancé to the premiere of his sexy stripper movie, and accuse you of murdering the miniature equivalent of the cute ginger chick from Frozen, basically . . .

Without further adieu, I present to you . . .

A Cautionary Fairytale Involving Sofia Vergara and Eggs . . .

Once Upon a Time there was a lovely, beautiful, and very famous princess named Sofia . . .

All the world adored Sofia, because she was gorgeous, smart, and had a really funny accent.

Sofia’s then-fiancé, Nick Loeb, especially adored her. He adored her so much that he wanted to bear her child .   . . just not right now, while he was still sowing his wild oats. “Dearest Sofia,” he said “Kindly freeze your eggs, and allow me to fertilize them with my seed, so that we may one day begin a family, but only when I am done having sex with many, less famous and enchanting, but significantly younger, women.”

“Are those warning bells going off in my head, or are my ears just getting feedback from all the loud bling in my earrings?”

To which the princess Sofia graciously replied, “I will gladly fertilize my eggs with your sperm in a test tube and freeze them, until such time as you are done boning sluts and ready to be a Dad . . . but only if we both agree not to unfreeze the eggs, unless we are both ready to be parents together.”

And Nick responded, “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let’s let our lawyers deal with the specifics, it’s Egg-Humping Time!”

“Your carton or mine?”

Seduced by the siren song of “Egg-Humping Time,” princess Sofia actually fertilized and froze some of her eggs with this goofball, a process that was very expensive, and one that she would eventually come to regret.

Because Nick and princess Sofia eventually broke up.

And princess Sofia soon found it in her heart to love again . . . with This Guy.

This was very good news for Sofia .  . .

.  . . but not such good news for Nick, who was really jonesing for those adorable little frozen eggs with his sperm inside. So, Nick did what any “rational”, really, really ridiculously wealthy man, who was recently dumped by an A-list, TV star, in favor of a much hotter male actor, best known for playing a stripper in the Magic Mike movies, would do . . .

He wrote a love letter in the New York Times . . . not to princess Sofia, mind you, but to her eggs.

And this letter sent the Egg-Loving Pro-Life Community into a total uproar. So concerned were they for princess Sofia’s adorable ovas’ well-being, that they accosted her at the Magic Mike XXL premiere, entreating her to unfreeze her eggs, so goofball Nick could pop them into a surrogate with a turkey baster, and eventually take care of them, or scramble them and use them on his toast, or whatever.

“But that wasn’t part of our deal,” argued Sofia. “You know, the one we wrote up with the lawyers, which said we both had to agree to unfreeze the eggs, and turn them into real people.”

“Yeah, but that was before you dumped me for a guy with legs the size of tree trunks and insane washboard abs,” argued Nick. “Now, I want your eggs to provide solace to my wounded soul, and shriveled male ego.”

“Can’t you just impregnate someone else, and be done with it?” Wonders Sofia . . . and her sassy eggs, and about 98% of the World.

“I could, but that wouldn’t be nearly as unintentionally funny as this situation,” responds Nick. “Eggs are people too . . .”

“And you actually used to bone this guy?”

“Actually, we are not . . . We are eggs. We are cute. And sometimes we are breakfast. But we are not people,” chimed in the eggs to this intense debate.

In other news, amidst all the chaos, princess Sofia’s eggs, being so small and egg-like, actually managed to sneak unnoticed into the theater to see Magic Mike XXL, during all the ruckus with the protesters.  As a result, they have decided they want to be male strippers when they grow up . . . or maybe just little Ova-Strippers right now.

Because that would be . . . wait for it . . . Egg-cellent!