Dec 16, 2019
Soccer Man Clint Dempsey Spits Hot Fire on New Rap Album
WORLD PREMIERE EX-CLUSIVE! [airhorn airhorn airhooorrrrrrrrnnnnn]
American soccer man Clint Dempsey, he of the goal-scoring and nose-breaking, has recorded a hip-hop album, AND HE SPITS HOT FIRE. He’s released the first single along with an interview over at the Wall Street Journal, because Clint Dempsey is all about dat paper.
Unbeknown to his fans and teammates, the 31-year-old Mr. Dempsey spent two weeks in Los Angeles during the off-season recording a 13-track album, “The Redux,” which he and his friend, the rapper XO, plan to release in the months ahead. Using his artist name “Deuce,” Major League Soccer’s highest-paid player raps about going from rags to riches, “banging Gs” (scoring goals) and being “Captain America.”
CLINT DEMPSEY IS REINVENTING THE RAP GAME, Y’ALL! Y’ALL DOAN EVEN KNOW! CLINT DEMPSEY IS JUST KILLIN’ FOOLS, HE HAS JUST KILLED A FAMILY OF FIVE AND IS CUTTING UP THEIR BODIES AND SOAKING THEM IN ACID, B! Watch as Clint Dempsey drops some science on the chorus of his newest track, “It’s Poppin’.”
It’s big knots in my pocket
It’s fresh kicks when I’m walking
It’s all truth when I’m talking
We hit the spot and it’s poppin’
Now, Clint is a very good soccer man (no T, no shade), but we think the song sounds like something your freshman-year college roommate would produce right after he got really into the club scene and bought himself some sick digital turntables (disclosure: one of our freshman-year college roommates actually did this, only he was more into what he called “techno,” which is what how all true musicians refer to that genre). Here is the song, so you can sit in judgement for your own selves.
Rolling Stone gives the single a “Meh, not bad” review, but that’s mostly because Dempsey is trying to do this whole Texas rap thing, and, as they put it, “the Texas rap blueprint has always been open to a degree of amateurism, a culture that was more about proximity and participation than any ideas about forward motion.”
Couldn’t agree more, Rolling Stone! This does sound amateurish, and like it only got recorded because professional soccer man Clint Dempsey is often in “proximity” to actual recording artists! Still, though, it’s a marginal improvement over Dempsey’s 2006 release, “Don’t Tread.”
The worst part is that Dempsey raps under the name Deuce. Y’know, as in “dropping deuce.” Like pooping!
Follow Dan on Twitter. Motherfuckin’ right his pockets lookin’ kinda tight.