Feb 18, 2019
Snarketing: When it comes to seducing women, Old Spice stinks
Has the entire marketing industry been turned over to intelligent machines that think the best way to control the human race is by making us want to have sex with them? Because a) that’s the only explanation for Old Spice jumping on the DirecTV puppet-fucking bandwagon, and b) it’s actually not the worst plan for world domination machines have ever come up with.
This time, it’s the ladies’ turn to be seduced. But the results are no less terrifying. Instead of a smoldering Jude Law sex-bot, we’re left staring into the soulless black eye sockets of Mandroid, the creepy robot “face” of Old Spice.
If you haven’t met him yet, you’ll love the one where he crushes a woman’s ribs at the beach but smells so good that she doesn’t care.
“I’d get off, but I can’t get up,” he puns. (Is impotency supposed to up the sexy factor of this abomination?)
If you are even remotely prone to nightmares where you are chased by angry robots, I do not recommend this version where HIS FUCKING FACE FALLS OFF in a night club. AHHHHH!
Can you imagine waking up to that after a one night stand? Then you get the added benefit of the faceless machine smelling like your granddad.
If I’m going to get it on with someone that smells like grandpa, it’s going to be this guy.
Nice try, Old Spice. I’ll keep the battery-operated boyfriend that doesn’t fall apart or talk to me in a creepy voice. It even fits in a drawer when I’m done with it.