SNARKETING: New & Exciting Ways to Hide the Shame of Being a Woman
Typically I prefer to make fun of how horrifyingly stupid a commercial is. This time I’d like to share an awesome commercial for a completely useless product.
Have you heard of HelloFlo? It’s subscription service that will deliver an unlabeled box of tampons and pads each month to your home just in time for your monthly visitor. My friend is planning to sign her daughter up for this (which is the only way I know about it). They’ll celebrate her “becoming a woman” with the Starter Kit that includes necessary feminine products, candy, a bracelet, lip gloss, a training bra, and hair ties (because your childhood is over and it’s time to start looking your best for the fellas).
You know what’s great about HelloFlo? It has a flier that explains what’s going on so that you don’t have to have a single fucking conversation with your confused and frightened little princess – which was my mother’s method. I’ll spare you my horrifying church camp story but let me tell you there was no “care package.” I don’t think I even made eye contact with my mother when I told her I was going to need to go to the store with her.
That’s really the root of my beef with this. Why can’t these kids just hide their tampons under a new shirt and slip them into Mom’s cart they way we all did? More importantly, why don’t parents talk to their daughters and teach them not to be ashamed of their bodies?
Instead, we perpetuate the idea that periods make all women emotional wrecks that are in too much pain to leave the house and too embarrassed to spend 2 minutes picking out the right product for them. Instead, I’ll ask a stranger to send me their suggested products for my private parts.
You want a stranger’s advice? Here’s mine. Buy in bulk, ladies. You’re going to have this thing month after fucking month. Get some super pads with wings or whatever shit you like best. A lot of them. From what I can tell, the HelloFlo box includes like 5 pads and three tampons. Plus, you don’t get to choose which sizes or brands because your body must be like every other woman’s body, right?
Ultimately, I love this advertisement. It’s hilarious and makes me want to be that mom. But then again, I was raised with punishment-by-humiliation so it really speaks to me. I just really hate their stupid shame-based business model.