Apr 27, 2018
Skidoo (1968), the lost recap (part 9 of 14): My father the torpedo
Previously on Skidoo: Tony learned via the most horrible imagery ever seen in motion pictures that he is absolutely, positively Darlene’s biological father, unless Harry is. Tony lost his ego, while most viewers lost their lunches from the sickening combination of color and wavy motion that makes up this film’s attempts at being “psychedelic”.
We return to God’s yacht. He offers Darlene a drink, then a “baked potato with sour cream”, but she refuses both with a smile. She wants to know where her father is. He tells her not to worry, saying Tony “once was the best torpedo in the business!” Well, he’s certainly shaped like a torpedo, so that doesn’t surprise me in the least.
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God then pulls Darlene onto his lap and starts undoing her coat. Oh good, some dirty old man vibes is just the thing to make this movie even more hilarious. Also, during this entire conversation, Groucho never makes eye contact with Darlene, and looks off-camera the whole time, making it really obvious he’s reading off of cue cards. I’m guessing that’s supposed to be the joke, but who knows?
God admits that Tony’s in prison, but says it’s not so bad, because, “At least there you can shoot a game of pool!” He explains how he sent Tony there to “knock off one of the inmates”, repeating the line about him being the “best torpedo in the business.” God says he wishes he could have gone there instead of Tony. “Right now, I’d rather be doing what he’s doing than what I’m doing!” Something tells me this was a bit of a real-life confession on Groucho’s part.
Meanwhile, on another part of the yacht, God’s supermodel friend is chasing Stash all around, and she’s laughing like a maniac. Stash tells her to “cool it, baby”, and “hang loose” as he disappears down some stairs. Angie appears and yells, “Wait for me!” So the supermodel sprays him with a fire extinguisher. And no, I have no idea what this is all about, but maybe that’s a good thing.
Angie calls her a “dumb broad”, but she slips away from him and chases Stash down into a hatch. She stops long enough to tell a random lackey that God wants to see him, then continues her pursuit. Stash again tells her to “hang loose”, but I really don’t think it’s possible to hang any looser than wearing a dress that shows off your ass cleavage.
Finally, she corners Stash, and asks again what’s wrong with her body. She then says she’s never seen anyone like him. Huh? She’s never seen a lame stereotypical caricature of a hippie before? Well then, she’s one of the lucky ones.
Stash insists there are lots of guys like him. She says, “Yes, but you’re here!” And now her lusting after Stash is making more sense by the minute. If you’re stuck on a boat with no other man besides Groucho Marx, someone like Stash must seem mighty appealing. She starts feeling him up, causing him to giggle. The woman tells him to relax, and that “I’m very good at this.” Stash says he’s getting seasick, but she tells him, “Don’t fight it!” And then they start making out.
Back to Darlene sitting in God’s lap, as she frantically tries to keep his hands off of her. God is explaining that he’s been on this boat for ten years. “Ten years without seeing daylight!” Darlene points out that he can always go up on deck, but God says there are nine guys on the ship. “What’s the odds of them trying to bump me off?” Darlene replies that the odds are “nine to one”, which makes no sense whatsoever, and they continue to struggle as God says he only allows “Elizabeth” down here, and I’m guessing that’s the supermodel.
God says he would give anything to go to a race track or a ball game. At this particular moment, so would I, God. So would I. He talks about all the Dramamine he has to take and calls this a “miserable way to get old”. Another miserable way to get old is having to act stoned/high in a psychedelic Otto Preminger film. Darlene wants to be let out, so she decides to take advantage of God’s germphobia and threatens to kiss him. God cries out, “Not on the lips!”
She again asks to be let out, or else she’ll kiss him. So God pushes a button, and the vault-like door opens, and Darlene runs out. Once she’s gone, God sprays his mouth with a little squeeze bottle. I guess that’s supposed to be disinfectant or something. That seems wise, considering she’s also been known to make out with Stash.
Darlene comes across a half-naked Stash cavorting with Elizabeth, but she hardly cares. Instead, she yells, “My dad’s a torpedo!” In response, Stash just cries out for help, apparently from the sexy mauling he’s currently receiving. Darlene gets frustrated and storms off. And with that, I think I can safely say this film is mostly just random images now. Any attempt to locate an actual plot will surely cause you to lose your ego.
And it looks like it’s time to randomly switch back to the prison. We’re in Tony’s cell when Frank Gorshin and Richard Kiel (who really should have toured together as a comedy duo) show up. Gorshin explains to Tony that everything’s been arranged, and he’ll be taking Packard his breakfast. He gives him a “trustee” arm band and cap. Then he pulls out a big kitchen knife that was taped to his ankle, which he wants Tony to use to kill Packard.
Tony says, “I’m not kissin’ Packard!” Yeah, who knows where he’s been? Gorshin thinks he’s kidding around, but Tony says, “I’m not kissing anyone.” Gorshin has a big stare-down with him, but then he sees that Tony’s made up his mind.
Gorshin calls him a “dumb slob” and says, “Stay here for the rest of your life and rot!” Outside the cell, he tells Tony that if he doesn’t care about himself, “You could at least think about your daughter!” He informs Tony that Darlene is on “the big boat” with God, and “Packard expects his corn flakes in twenty minutes!”
They leave, and Tony realizes he has to do this to save his daughter, and he starts crying. And the Professor just silently stares at him. Wow, this is one funny comedy. But eventually, the Prof assures Tony that there’s “no problem [he] can’t solve!”
Then Leech says, “Hey, maybe if I take some of that stuff, I wouldn’t have to rape anybody anymore!” The flimsy “joke” being that Tony took LSD and no longer wants to kill anybody. And apparently the filmmakers thought this rape punch line was so darn funny, they end the scene on it. Buh doom boom! Take my chemical sterilization, please!
Up next: God gets word that Tony is backing out of the job, and things look dire for Darlene. So Tony and the gang hatch a plan to dose everybody in the prison, which by pure coincidence just happens to include Senator Peter Lawford and the warden, played by Burgess Meredith. And the ex-Batman villain trifecta is complete!