Apr 29, 2018
Skidoo (1968), the lost recap (part 10 of 14): A good reason to drink aftershave lotion
Previously on Skidoo: Darlene learned her father was a torpedo, while God’s mistress Elizabeth sexually assaulted Stash—but only in the most side-splitting sense of the term, of course. Meanwhile at the prison, Tony’s acid trip and loss of ego made him decide not to go through with killing Packard. Which means serious trouble for Darlene on God’s yacht, but the Professor may have a solution.
Back on God’s yacht, God rings up Captain George Raft on the ol’ videophone, and asks if there’s “any news”. The captain looks up from his newspaper and tells him, “The stock market is holdin’ its own,” and that’s the end of the conversation. Well, that was edifying.
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God then touches another button on his control panel. Stash is sleeping in one of the cabins, and wakes up when he hears bells. God’s got a videophone in the cabin, and he has a new plan: He wants Stash to set up contacts in 36 major cities. “It doesn’t have to be a hippie! Anybody can grow his hair!” I think John Phillip Law playing Stash is the prime example of that, actually.
God says he’s after “the youth market” which is “a billion-dollar market” because “half the country is under 25!” God says he’ll supply the “stuff” for Stash to sell to his “customers”, and Stash could end up pulling down $150,000 a year, but Stash tells him no thanks, because “business bores me!” This conversation has no point, but then again, does anything in this movie?
In God’s office, the phone rings, and God holds the phone about six inches from his face when he answers it. Ah, germphobia, the gag that keeps on giving.
Frank Gorshin is on the other end, and he informs God that “Tough Tony has become Marshmallow Tony!” He says Tony won’t do the hit on Packard, and that he tried everything, “Even coercion!” Wow. Coercion? Never let it be said that Gorshin doesn’t go the extra mile.
So God calls up Angie, currently in bed. Also in Angie’s bed is Elizabeth, God’s supermodel companion. Okay, so these two hooked up. So why did we watch ten minutes of her chasing Stash around the boat and molesting him?
Elizabeth’s bra is covering up the camera in Angie’s room, so God starts pushing buttons, trying to figure out what’s wrong with his videophone. Naturally, Angie doesn’t want God to know he’s sleeping with his mistress, so he tells her to stay quiet. Finally, Elizabeth leaves and Angie uncovers the camera.
God tells him he “can’t get used to being double-crossed”, and Angie “comically” thinks he’s talking about him sleeping with Elizabeth. But no, God is actually referring to Tony, and his refusal to kill Packard.
God asks Angie if he likes Tony’s daughter. He promises that if Tony comes through, “She’s yours!” But if Tony doesn’t come through, “Then you got a little job to do!” At this, Angie pulls a pistol out from under his pillow and holds it up to the camera with a big smile. So, depending on what Tony does, either Darlene gets shot, or she ends up with Angie. Something tells me she might prefer the former.
Back at the prison, Tony and Leech and the Professor have red marks all over their faces and bodies that look like chicken pox. Evidently, this is an attempt to convince the prison doctor that they all have “Lithuanian measles”, which is of course not a real thing. The doctor buys it, however, and has them confined to the isolation ward.
Once inside, Tony expositories to the others that drinking “aftershave lotion” is what gave them these spots. Sounds legit to me. The Prof explains that the spots will “be gone in 28 minutes”, for the sake of the few people who will still be paying attention by then, and care about where the spots went.
The Prof puts on the Trustee arm band and cap. With the help of the others, he climbs up into the air ducts and drops down into the prison kitchen. I think he’s supposed to be sneaking in, even though all the cooks in here should easily be able to see him. Regardless, he dumps a box of his LSD-tainted stationery in a big pot of food, and oh boy, I can’t wait to see where this going.
Then the Prof picks up two big spoons, and starts loudly banging on pots and pans. While everybody’s distracted by the noise, Tony sneaks into the walk-in freezer. At the same time, Leech creeps into the prison operating room, where surgery is currently taking place. And of course, all the doctors and nurses in here should easily be able to see him, too. Oh, wait, this is a “comedy”, so I guess that’s the joke. Actually, is this movie still supposed to be a comedy? Is it possible for a movie to officially change genres halfway through?
Leech steals an oxygen tank and sneaks out. Just then, we hear a doctor say that the patient’s blood is “kind of dark”, and he asks for more oxygen. And presumably, that patient dies. Hilarity!
Meanwhile, the Prof meets Tony in the freezer, and hands him the knife he was supposed to kill Packard with. Instead, Tony uses it to cut open a big sack with a Reddy Freddy Frozen Foods label on it, and out pours dozens of heads of cabbage.
And then we see the senator played by Peter Lawford, and it turns out the warden just happens to be giving him a personal tour of the prison. Gee, what are the odds that he would show up on the one day where everybody gets dosed?
Also, the prison warden is played by Burgess Meredith. And thus, our Batman villain reunion of the Joker, Riddler, and Penguin (with Mr. Freeze directing) is at last complete. Though, Burgess Meredith shows up in a few Preminger films, so I can’t really tell you if the whole Batman reference was intentional, but it wouldn’t be the first weird and unfunny inside joke in this movie.
To rationalize what happens next, the Warden makes a point of saying he likes to “eat with the men at least once a month” to prove that whatever is good enough for their stomachs is “good enough for mine!” The senator incoherently replies, “That’s what democracy is all about!”
And then, unfortunately, it’s back to God’s yacht. If you’re hoping against hope that at least one funny thing will happen on this yacht, you’re about to be disappointed. Again. To more sitar and tabla drums on the soundtrack, Elizabeth appears in Stash’s cabin, wearing a bikini. She tells Stash she has news for him, and then she kisses him. End scene. I suppose in the days before special edition DVDs, it made perfect sense to include the deleted scenes in the actual movie.
Next up: If you thought Jackie Gleason’s acid trip was entertaining… well, number one, you may want to consider getting your head examined, but two, you’re going to really love the “hilarity” of Frank Gorshin, Burgess Meredith, Richard Kiel, Peter Lawford, and the rest of the prison also tripping on LSD!