Sister Wives Recap: We're Not Entirely Sure How We Got Roped Into Watching This Show
Watch and recap Sister Wives, the Editrix said. How bad can it be, right? Before I could even dive into the reality show abyss of watching the thing, I had to spend quality time trying to figure out what season I was writing about. Tonight is a season premiere! Sort of! Because it is also technically part of last season? Sort of?
Seriously, plural marriage types and TLC, get your shit TOGETHER. I realize it is prolly hard what with having like 9 zillion wives running around, but for serious make this easier on your casual viewer. Even IMDB, that bible of all things television-y, doesn’t know what season it is.
After finally figuring out when and what I was stuck watching, I figured I better flail away at the keyboard like a small child and see if I knew anything whatsoever about the show. Turns out I do not. At all. The only reason it had ever even stuck in my brain before was that the SisterWifey Family are the ones that brought the lawsuit in Utah that resulted in a chunk of the state’s anti-polygamy law being thrown out. So basically right now Utah is for gay AND plural marriages, people. Oh, also, one of the wives or maybe all of the wives have a jewelry store with some FIERCE jewelry.
OK. Now that you know everything I know, let’s get this party started.
Damn. These are some seriously well-scrubbed white people. How are we going to tell them all apart? So apparently they all have their own houses? Sisterwifing takes a LOT of money. The dude, Kody, looks like his day job is playing for Nickelback, which at least would explain how he has four houses worth of monies.
The four wives are Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn. There is no way on earth we will ever remember which one of them is which. There are one million children. Nickelback just runs back and forth between the houses. Seriously, we have like a solid 45 seconds of him just running across a cul-de-sac.
So the whole family is going to do a commitment ceremony all together, so they need to go to Sedona and find a hippie lady who will teach them about how to commit because they are all sad and disconnected. Hippie lady has the awesome idea of making them feel worse by having them represent how they feel by standing in a circle, and they are supposed to stand at whatever distance they feel from Nickelback and the other wives. One wife – maybe Robyn? Sure, Robyn. Robyn clutches Nickelback as if she’s anchoring him to the earth. The rest of the wives shuffle aimlessly and sadly around the circle. Great job, hippie. So, much like not-plural-marriage people who have a baby to save the marriage, these people are going to have a commitment ceremony to save all the marriages. This always works.
Since there’s already some family distance and friction, why not talk money?! Although these people are all theoretically raising their baseball team’s worth of children together, they’ve apparently never talked about college and how that actually costs money. Nickelback doesn’t want to take out loans, because loans are slavery. He actually says that. One child is going to go fancy private college while the other is at state school and it is unfair unto the ends of the earth. Also, Nickelback thinks that people can have really great well-paying jobs while in college. What planet does Nickelback reside upon?
The child that wants to go to private school is Sulky McWeeperson about it because she needs to be where people want sisterwives, and that is Utah.
So wait. These people aren’t in Utah?? They’re in Las Vegas? But they sued in Utah to overturn that state’s law? We are confused.
It isn’t a reality show if there isn’t a completely absurd and arbitrary self-created situation designed to make everyone more tense, and this week it’s that all the moms of the sisterwives are coming for Mother’s Day. Do you know how many fucking terrible mother-in-law jokes we are having to endure from Nickelback? He’s kind of a whiny little bitch about it. Dude, you’re the one with four wives, so it is going to involve a lot of mothers.
All the moms are going to go shopping together avec Nickelback for Mother’s Day gifts for the sisterwives so that the moms can complain about the gifts. They go to one of those ticky-tacky bric-a-brac stores where they inexplicably have things like chairs hung from the ceiling and lots of rustic chests of drawers.
He wants to buy wall hangings that say things like “I kiss better than I cook” for his wife to hang in a kitchen. Mom is not impressed. Other mom is not impressed because one sisterwife is going to get a fancy clock and the other is going to get the crappy kitchen sign. Man, nothing says “I feel deeply personal about all of you, ladies” like knocking off all the Mother’s Day gifts in one trip to one shop. Also, too, he drags them all to lunch to explain that the marriages have lost their direction and luster and ratifying the commitment ceremony yadda yadda.
Nickelback has a sad because his wives probably wouldn’t stay together as a family if he kicks the bucket. They can do better! They can do more! They can ratify a mission statement!
[Important side note of notely importance: the only advertisements during Sister Wives are either for other reality shows on TLC or for niche dating services. I knew that Farmers Only was a thing, but I didn’t really think they had the money for teevee ad buys.]
Now it is time to make Nickeldad make breakfast for all moms and with the children, so we can have some wacky men can’t cook amirite?! hijinks. They blow a fuse and Nickelback has no idea whatsoever where the fuse box is located. 30 seconds of him stomp-pouting around trying to find it later, we have power again and we can go back to talking about how tough it is for him to cook because otherwise he only microwaves.
OK, no one warned me that like 60% of the show is just a bunch of ladies and Nickelback sitting around in a very large living room talking about how great or hard or hard or great their plural marriages are. Do you think they had the living rooms custom designed in all the new houses to accommodate these family meetings?
Christine’s mom bailed out on the plural marriage lifestyle and now Christine has trust issues. But now everyone supports each other, even though they do not all agree on the multi-wives thing. God loves everyone. Everyone tears up. Everyone gets Mother’s Day presents. Yay and yawn. I just don’t see why this show can’t be filled with catfights and pillowfights and lady-on-lady make-up sex, because that’s really the only way I’d enjoy the whole four wives thing. Tune in next week because if I have to, you have to.