Jul 30, 2017
Sister Wives Recap: Polygamous Graduation Parties Are Just As Boring As Monogamous Ones
We got fist-bumpingly brotastic on last week’s Sister Wives, so let’s see if the ladies get more air time this week. Recap time!
Mariah, Meri’s only daughter, is graduating and there are so many feels and so many tiny pastries. There’s some party planning with a pile of wives, but the Mariah know full well that the moms are just taking all their own graduation party hopes and dreams and pinning them on her. It’s like being forced to be a doctor because your dad is, except instead you’re forced to have dancing at your graduation.
The child does not want dancing, but oh the wives want to dance more than anything. Also, there’s going to be a fortune teller palm reader lady. The child is more down with this idea.
Christine totally admits that this grad party is for HER HER HER because she was a loser in high school and she deserves this now, goddammit.
No idea why daddy had to be blurred out there.
The wives want a slide show and multiple picture boards. This makes the daughter say bad words like “hell” and “shit” and now we have to talk about the children having potty mouths and swearing just to make Nickelback Dad mad. Dude, she swears because she’s a teenage girl.
Christ, we are still fighting about the fact that Nickelback doesn’t want to pay for Mariah to go to a private college. Let us remind you again that the man owns four houses. Because Nickelback is suddenly a tightwad, the poor counselor from the high school is dragged over to one of the houses to explore how Mariah can go to college on the cheap. High school counselor is a bro, yo.
Bro tells Nickelback that that there’s nothing wrong with a student loan, but oh hey it looks like Mariah also wants to go to medical school after undergrad, which is some serious six-figure debt. Much boring sitting around the living room talking about this ensues. Bro gives Nickelback a pep talk and reminds him he has four homes so let the kid go to college, for crying out loud. It seems to work, though, because now Nickelback gives some long speech about how the children should follow their dreams. Whatevs.
Oh. The other child that is graduation is Aspyn. I think she is the child of Christine and Nickelback. Yep, she is. Lots of chitter chatter about how the graduation and college-going will be hard on mommy Christine between right now Aspyn runs the house, by which she means Asypn is stuck doing child care and cleanup duty for the younger kids.
Gahhhh. The only thing more boring than talking with the sister wives about their wife-iness is this graduation story line. These children are boring. The mom sadness about the children going away is boring. Imagine if your parents filmed every quotidian matter of your senior year, including the blah discussions about student loans, and you have this episode. Now imagine filming your mother throwing a little mini-tantrum cryfest about where she gets to sit in the stadium to watch you graduate. Exciting and not even a little bit awkward.
Also, too: do you know how many Honey Boo Boo commercials you have to sit through when you watch Sister Wives? All of them, Katie.
We’re still talking about where everyone is going to sit. They have to drag 23 people around to move from place to place and Nickelback is exasperated so Robyn has to comfort him because he’s being a huge dick about it. Seriously, Nickelback. Just go sit somewhere else if mom wants to. Not that we’re defending mom, who is still on about how this is the hardest thing ever and jesus so much crying.
Nickelback is sad because a man deserves a nap on Saturday and he is not getting one.
Nickelback is a manchild. With an ugly shirt.
Meri and Nickelback have cornered Mariah in Mariah’s bedroom to explain that they are not going to have another baby. Apparently Mariah is very invested in them having another child, so she’s sullen about this.
Did you want to hear more about how the adults want to dance at the graduation party even though the children do not want a dance party? Sure you did. The parents aren’t just going to dance. They’re going to do a polygamous flash mob. I mean, that’s what they call it, but it seems like it is just the wives and Nickelback. That may be polygamous, but it isn’t a mob. Nickelback is sad because the dance is feminizing him and he needs to feel masculine when he dances.
Mariah walks in while they are planning it, but everyone just lies in the worst most transparent way possible that they weren’t planning a humiliating self-serving dance during her graduation party.
Now Nickelback is complaining about how the graduation party is costing him part of his inheritance money. Nickelback does this almost every time they talk about money in this jokey way but you can tell it is really just a cover for him being a total greedy asshole that doesn’t understand why his pile of wives and children ever need one thin dime of his inexplicable fortune. What does the guy do, again?
Now filming of the graduation party, which is as boring as any film of any graduation party you have ever seen. Kids are there! Eating pastries! Drinking punch! Woooooo.
Oh god they’re going to just stone cold stop the party so that the parents can surprise dance. These parents are the worst on earth. These kids will be scarred for life. All of these adults are such attention whores.
There’s also some Wives-Nickelback couch talk about how every teenager there will probably think they were all the coolest for doing the dance. Yeah, that.
Now the wives are going to talk to the fortune teller. Some bog-standard burbling about health issues and money issues and maybe a fight in the past spews forth from the tarot card lady. But then Nickelback gets himself read, and BOOM, he’s going to get another wife and he “maybe already has someone in his crosshairs.” Not exactly the way we talk about our dating life, but hey. Nickelback is certain that it just means that the fortune teller wants to get in his pants because he is all that. No one can resist that chinbeard, ladies. No. One.
Next week we get to see Nickelback watch all the children because the ladies head to San Francisco together. Wackiness will ensue because dads can’t watch their children, amirite? We can’t wait, because at least that will be less boring that watching someone’s graduation party.