Apr 16, 2017
Sister Wives Recap: Kick That Closet Door Open, Nickelback
Way back before the Super Bowl, the Sister Wives had a gravely ill child, and we got to go to the hospital with her and watch her pretty much dehydrate almost to death. Neat! Let’s see what this week’s “Sister Wives” can do to top that, shall we?
We open at Meri’s house, which is yet another one of the Sister Wife houses with a ginormous living room just made for plural family sitting around.
We’re running down all the people that are coming to the nonsense commitment ceremony. Planning is way behind. Oh no!
A person named Brie? Bree? Brea? has come over to party plan. They’re 45 days out from the ceremony, and Bree/Brea/Brie normally has 10-12 months to plan something, but of course if we didn’t cram this into a ridiculous too-tight time frame, it wouldn’t be wacky reality teevee.
There is much much much consternation over how this might look like a wedding, what with special dresses and cake and Pachelbel’s Canon in D, but it should not look like a wedding, it should look like a party! They want to read their mission statement and sign it and plant a tree. Plant a tree?? They’re in Las Vegas, FFS.
Time to meet with a lawn and garden dude who is not only going to plant stuffs, he is going to wax poetic at length about how he feels about the Brown family.
SPOILER ALERT: he is not really down with the polygamy thing, but he believes in Jesus Christ and the Browns probably do too, but maybe they are sinners but they will probably go to heaven but maybe not.
Now cut to the Brown family sitting around talking about how they can totally be friends with a Christian and Nickelback yelling about how it is time for him to own his polygamy and share it with the world. You go, Nickelback.
First, an interlude about Nickelback’s brother, who he calls a cowboy warrier poet, died in a motorcycle accident, and then Nickelback’s dad passed away. We do not know Nickelback, but that is sad for him, for real. The family is going to pack up and go see Nickelback’s mom. Wait, the entire family? This involves Nickelback standing around in one driveway and yelling across the cul de sac to everyone else and demanding they get ready to go within 15 minutes. Their neighbors must LOVE them.
Time for a look back at the religious life of the Nickelback Brown clan. His parents were regular flavored Mormons who decided mid-life to be plural flavored, but Curtis the warrior poet decided to be a born again Christian instead, so friction. Also, too, Nickelback’s dad was a man’s man.
Reminiscing time with how Nickelback’s mom met Nickelback’s dad. Don’t care. More chitter chatter about how putting their one million children’s names in cement meant they were going public with their polygamous lifestyle. You stand strong, Brown family.
OK wait. So long ago Nickelback’s dad married Nickelback’s mom, whose name we have forgotten, and then embarked on their plural marrying spree. Down the line, Nickelback met Janelle. Janelle’s mom was suspicious of the whole plural marriage thing, so decided to meet the Nickelback parents. Janelle’s mom decided she was down with the whole thing and married Nickelback’s dad, and then Janelle married Nickelback. Join us in our confusion and vague sense of unease, won’t you?
More Nickelback dad time reminiscing. We thought all the children were here, but it seems like there are not nearly enough of them at the graveyard. Maybe they’ve misplaced a few. Tough to keep track with that many.
Talking about Nickelback’s dad turns into Nickelback talking about Nickelback. Nickelback worked hard as a child! Nickelback’s dad did not care for Nickelback’s wrestling career! But Nickelback loved his dad, and knew he loved him! Stirring!
Oh god, we’re losing track of who visits who and when. Nickelback is sad that one of the wives, Meri, won’t come out as polygamous to her employer. Wait, Meri has a job? We didn’t think anyone on this show had a job, mostly because there is never any point where any of them have to do anything like leave the house and go to work. Oh. Looks like it is people that she USED to work for, and the whole polygamous clan is going to storm the shop and tell them about her lifestyle choices. We are down with the sharing, but Meri does not seem like she wants to share all that much, but Nickelback is very much into it so she does it. Turns out they knew all along, and didn’t care. More affirming talk about how everyone feels good about telling everyone. Yay, everyone.
Now we visit all the other houses they used to live in back in Wyoming, and then off to a river that Nickelback used to play with or work near or ford or something. This is where they’re remembering Nickelback’s brother, who left the family faith because he only married one lady. Cue musical interlude, including “Amazing Grace,” while all the children swarm a fence to tie bandanas on it in remembrance of Curtis.
Because everything is always about Nickelback, he’s now wondering what happens to his wives if he passes away. Also, too, he is going to make their commitment ceremony memorable. These things go together in Nickelback’s mind, but not so much in ours.
Next week on “Sister Wives,” the million children are not taking the commitment ceremony thing seriously and the moms are mad mad mad. We’ll be waiting with bated breath.