Apr 27, 2018
Sister Wives Recap: Now With 1000% More Brotastic Fist Bumps
Sister Wives! Time to talk more about the absurdly improbable commitment ceremony these people are going to have and watch them just stone cold drop in on random wedding photographers, venue owners, and what have you, and tell them “oh hey, by the way, we’re all married to this one dude.” We neatly skip over the fact that in Real World land this might cause some consternation among cake makers and skip right to finding a guy that gives the obligatory “I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, red, purple, or a zombie, or a zombie frog” type of speech about how he’s totally cool with this and now we can just wander around the venue.
The sister wives and their husband Nickelback would very much like you to know that this is NOT a renewal of vows, because their vows are forever because of religion but this is also too special and necessary because of religion. Honestly, we kinda lost the thread of why they’re doing this. We’re just going to assume it is because this thing needed a ratings bump.
Back to the venue. Oh, they are not sure about the venue, oh no they do not, because some of them want to be inside, and some of them want to be outside. They have different visions and they have apparently not discussed this before dragging themselves around to venues like a pentangle of stupid.
They also seem to be utterly unaware of the price of weddings/commitment ceremonies/soul joining these days. The venue owner quotes them $10,500, which includes all the setup and takedown and a buffet. It does not, however, include cake, a fact that outrages (surfs over to TLC website, thumbs through pix again, figures out which wife this is) Christine.
It’s maybe too much money for them. These people own FOUR SEPARATE HOUSES. They have already had FOUR SEPARATE WEDDINGS.
Let’s cut away from the commitment ceremony discussion for no reason so we can introduce some beefysmack friends of the family, shall we?
The guy rocking the Ed Hardy-esque t-shirt is the person that did his Mormon mission-y thing with Nickelback, and the shorter squatter beefysmack is (looks up wife info on TLC AGAIN) Janelle’s trainer. Lady, you have a trainer that comes to your house. You can afford a fucking $10,000 wedding. They’re there to install wrestling mats into Janelle’s garage for one of the many Nickelback spawn. Nickelback was a wrestler, and he wants to relive his wrestling glory days by wrestling the children.
Janelle is sad because this doesn’t leave her enough room in her garage. YOU HAVE FOUR GARAGES PEOPLE. Ed Hardy explains that all garages are man caves and this is universally known. He does not appear to be joking. Now the mats are going to go live in Christine’s garage. What kind of person that owns four houses needs to make his buddies come over in a U-Haul to install wrestling mats? He also makes the friends sweep out the garage and install the mats. Wouldn’t you have a minion do it? Or one of your eleventy children? Oh well. We wouldn’t have been able to check out Ed Hardy’s tight t-shirt game.
[Remember last week when we got to see ad for the matchmaking service just for farmers? That ad was weak sauce compared to this week’s ad, which is for Summer’s Eve vag wash complete with the snappy tagline “All Hail the V.” A dude accidentally washes himself with the vag wash and then has to spend the rest of the commercial doing very many things to get the vagina wash out of his skin and his soul.]
First, Ed Hardy and Nickelback are going to wrestle for old times’ sake. No, they really say that.
One of the blond wives (eh, we can’t be bothered to go look right now) explains that Nickelback needs male friends but it is hard because his time is so in demand, but he is always better to spend time with after he has his man time, which used to be called “Testosterone Tuesdays.” Ed Hardy would also like to explain how hard it is for Nickelback to balance the competing demands of the four wives. Everyone is awfully concerned about Nickelback, whose main occupation seems to be getting whatever he wants whenever he wants. Tough life, dude.
The manly men are going to go to dinner on the strip while the wives take all the children to the zoo. Short end of the stick, ladies. It’s also time for Ed Hardy’s wife to talk about how hard it is for Nickelback too, because he never has enough alone time because of how hard it is to have four wives. Is there no one at all in this show that isn’t solely there to just talk about how great and unselfish Nickelback is? No, no there is not.
Remember last week when we all hung around in the giant living room to talk endlessly? This week, the ladies are doing the exact same thing, but in a lovely park setting.
Robyn: How are you feeling about Mariah leaving? I mean, where are you at?
Meri: I don’t like it. It’s sad. I don’t like it.
Robyn: Are you, like, depressed?
She is depressed! And now we have to endure a good long couch cry about everything while everyone just sort of stares into the middle distance rather than turning towards her or comforting her in any fashion. Robyn, she of the trenchant observations regarding depression, decides it is time to fiddle with her hair and purse her lips in a way she clearly thinks looks sympathetic but really just makes it look like she has no lips.
OK, so wives got to go to the zoo and dudes get to go jump off the stratosphere. They for real celebrate with a exploding fist bump and one of them says “later, bro.” Nickelback is scared, but he is not going to show it because you gotta keep up with the guys, man. Yes, of course he really says this. Everyone on this show is quite the wordsmith. He also says he was so jacked up that he was getting lightheaded. JACKED UP FIST BUMP BRO. He jumps and then we all fist bump some more. More actual dialogue:
Let’s not call it peer pressure. Let’s call it PEER POWER.
Now time to chow down after all that bro down! Let’s hear from Ed Hardy about his marriage! If there’s a dispute between him and his wife, he wins automagically because he gets to lead and that has saved their marriage so many times. Jesus, Ed Hardy. Same with trainer dude, who has otherwise not really gotten to talk this episode. He, too, is the boss of his wife. Jesus, trainer dude. Nickelback explains to the camera that he is the leader of his pack, but he does it in subtle ways. He tells a charming anecdote about his subtlety which involved telling his wife that he was going to move to another state to take a job and she had to go with, and this made her sad, but then he made her do it anyway. Subtle!!
Meri is still sad. She is going to fix her sadness by making a blanket for her child that is going to college. A friend shows up to drive with her to the fabric store and tell her that having your kids leave the house for college sucks. Pure poetry, people. And with that, the episode just ends. There’s no big moment, no denouement. It’s like the showrunners went “oh Jesus are they still just sitting on that couch talking? Cut it. Just cut it” and then they all wandered off. We’d like to do that as well but let’s face it: if we were the showrunners for this thing we’d go out for a pack of smokes and just never come back. 1950s style. We’re not that lucky, and we’ll be back next week.