Oct 8, 2019
Sister Wives Recap: Now with the worst dresses ever
Last week on Sister Wives, we got a super double extra mega-sized dosage of Nickelback’s family and learned that he’s ready to be out and proud about his polygamous lifestyle. You go, Nickelback. This week, looks like we’re back to the never-ending planning of the commitment ceremony, which is like a wedding but not really.
We’re flashing back to the beginning of the season when the family did the weird visit to Sedona and they all stood around in some column-beladen outdoor space to figure out how close they felt to each other and there was much awkward when some wives weren’t crawling all over Nickelback like Robyn is. But now they’ve redoubled their efforts to write a mission statement, which will solve all the family problems. Yay?
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After the massive fail that was San Francisco dress shopping, the wives have decided that they should just do custom dresses because they have an infinite amount of money. They’ve hired a dress designer that I wouldn’t trust even a little bit because she’s wearing a studded leather vest.
The dresses have to be sort of different, Nickelback explains, because of polygamy, as it would be a cliche if they all looked the same. Sure. Whatevs. Cue too much talking from Christine about what type of dress she likes and Janelle worrying about her waist and Meri having a complicated vision. Basically, it’s like you’re stuck in a room with four insecure brides. Hell. Sheer hell.
Everyone is writing different parts of the mission statement, and Christine wants a line in there about how they’ll devote themselves to eating better. Whelp, that is indeed a thing that probably isn’t in a traditional wedding, as most vows don’t devote themselves to that level of minutiae.
Ooh! Polygamous problems! They’d like to put the special commitment statement on canvas instead of paper, so it’ll last forever-ever, but Janelle points out that things will get a bit weird if Nickelback gets another wife. So what we’re hearing is that they need a commitment statement that can stand for all time, but be changed on a moment’s notice if Nickelback goes a-courting. Got it.
Nickelback doesn’t think he’ll get another wife but then again maybe he will, because God might inspire him to, because giving him a new wife is spiritual magic. Also, he too wants a few more children, because 16 is really just too few.
Back to custom dress making. Damn, this dressmaker made Christine’s pattern overnight. We’d like to hire this lady if we ever wanted a commitment ceremony dress (we’ll never want this). Cue Nickelback whining about how he doesn’t know how to tell a lady if something looks good, so he calls what Christine has on a “princess dress”.
Dude, it’s a pattern, not a dress, which is why it’s different scraps of fabric. Nickelback, you’re a fucking caveman. Stop whining about how hard it is to talk to the ladies about lady stuff like dresses. You have four wives. Learn to talk to women.
Time for rehearsing the commitment ceremony! Robyn has worn a very sparkly ball cap for the occasion.
First, they have to fight over whether Nickelback should keep his atrocious beard. Some wives want it, some wives don’t. We don’t want it, because it’s some ugly-ass Nickelback face hair. Nickelback declares that it’s his body and he’ll do what he wants, and he won’t decide until the day of the ceremony. Stand strong, Nickelback. You are man, hear you roar.
The mountain of children is making the commitment ceremony planning difficult, because some children have asked whether they have to sign it. Nickelback says they don’t have to sign if they don’t want, but Robyn is pissed because the adults have worked hard on it. Lucky us, because this gives us another opportunity for Nickelback to do his patented “complaining about the ladies but he’s really joking oh no he’s not” routine. We love that thing! Oh wait. It’s the other thing. The opposite thing of love.
We’re trying to figure out what the hell is happening in this rehearsal. It looks like they’re all planning a fist bump together, which is kinda dope, but apparently they’re just practicing pouring sand together. The sand pouring ceremony will be them pouring different colors of sand together to form an ugly blob of multicolored sand. Meri reminds us all that she doesn’t like this idea, and she’s making a great sacrifice to do the sand pouring part, because she’s a martyr for the ages.
The tree-planting part of the ceremony sounds even more fractious than the sand pouring ceremony. No one can agree on who will help plant the tree. The children are getting fussy, so Nickelback tells them that if they act out during the ceremony, they’ll be sent out and kicked out of the family. No one believes him, or maybe they do. Nickelback, you’re a terrible father.
Four days until the wedding, and the dresses aren’t done yet, because they didn’t hire the dress lady until like a week out. How is this even real? Jesus, we feel sorry for Dress Lady Sam.
The fam is all getting matching jewelry, like you do, for the wedding. The kids are getting some hella ugly black cuffs that look like something you’d buy at Hot Topic.
Christine is making the different-colored sand for the sand pouring ceremony, because she was unable to buy the sand colors she wanted at the craft store. Lame craft store you have there, people.
Oh god, more dress fitting. Now Robyn is sad about her dress, but they’re running out of time. Pro-tip, ladies: this is why you don’t do a custom dress a week before your big event.
Nickelback is going to run Christmas lights from each house to the middle of the cul de sac, which actually sounds like a cool idea visually, but you know it could end up like the lights in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
We have no fucking idea what type of material Meri has chosen for her dress.
Even Dress Lady Sam says that this fabric isn’t made for anything except cheap upholstery. We would be so mad if we had to sit on something covered in this hellscape of shiny bronze.
On the other hand, Christine’s dress looks like she’s wearing a robe.
The dresses are way behind schedule and terrible, and so is Nickelback’s light stringing. You know we’re going to have to spend next episode watching those fucking lights get strung.
T minus 48 hours until commitment ceremony! How many tantrums will Nickelback throw? Will Dress Lady Sam just abandon ship? Tune in next week.