Apr 25, 2019
Sister Wives: Polygamists in a Shark Tank
There was so much crying in this episode I felt in comparison, I was born without ovaries or tear ducts. Am I Dexter? The emotions were so high between Meri and Robyn you could luxuriate in a long hot bath using the stuff that was flying out of their eyes. Why the cry babes, you ask? Well, this episode was high stakes! They were headed into an investment firm to pitch their jewelry and accessories business, “My Sister Wives Closet.” Think: bangle bracelets crafted by Chinese children ages 7-8, and designed by four women who all have sex with a man who looks like Nickelback.
Now let’s squeeze some juice:
Nickelback and his ladies first head to their marriage counselor so she can help them learn how to run a business together efficiently. We know they can cook and mass-produce children, but can they crunch numbers? Who is in charge of policing Casual Friday? The therapist’s name is Nancy and immediately my Spidey sense was set off. Is Nancy charging per wife or does she have a gang bang fee? What I felt most troubling about Nance is her upper lip was sheet white. It was practically translucent in comparison to the rest of her face. Whenever a mental health professional got a hold of me, their skin tone was always even. All you need to know about this meeting is that Nickelback asserted himself. “I have never felt in charge of this family!” he roared. Adding, “I feel stymied. Because everything is done by committee.” I bet Kim Jong-Il never felt that way. My man, this is what happens when you’re in a relationship with four women. Take your Tonka toys and go back to the sandbox. You’re out-numbered. But, hey, at least you can still pee standing up. I think.
Up next: there was a whole bunch of what my Italian ancestors would have called “agita” as they prepped for the meeting where they pitch My Sister Wives Closet to potential investors. Meri’s mascara was now streaking her 10 layers of Cover Girl foundation because it turns out, she has a major phobia of public speaking. Uh-oh! Robyn cries and tells us she’s afraid she’ll cry during the meeting. The other two appear to care less, secretly thrilled they’re about to outshine the other wives with their smooth Bill Clinton-style charisma. But first, a little backstory: turns out they had all previously met with these same people and were told to go back and actually present an actual business plan. It appears the wives and Nickelback just rolled out of bed, the only preparation for the day, five strawberry Pop Tarts and maybe, four pats on the ass. They were taken aback to hear they needed to show concrete white collar facts in order for this firm to give them a whole bunch of cash.
Cut to showtime. The day is finally here, it’s the second meeting with investors. Nickelback and his girls pulled out all the stops, and even drew pie charts on oak tag which they propped up on sticks as eye candy. I smelled Forbes List 2015 for a second. In the meeting they told the crowd of would-be investors things like, “We can market and our target is made up of women who are hard workers!” Now, I think they did pretty swell. But I went in with the expectation that two out of five were going to fart and cry the entire time. I really thought the gals slayed it. But, apparently when they left, the head honcho investor said that he felt like his people were looking at him like WTF? And that he just met with them as a favor.
The episode closes with them all saying, “We’re waiting to hear!” Now I was crying. I feel like they’re all my children whose retainers fall out in a pool of spit when they talk were telling me they were “waiting to hear” about potential prom dates. I want to group hug the beejesus out of these guys and tell them “Where there’s a will, there’s an A!” Then suggest they start selling weed to their seventeen kids and their friends.
Stay tuned for next week. I predict even more tears! Maybe a little Jesus?