May 29, 2018
Sister Wives: Creepy Dad Throws Creepy Party For Creepy Family, Creepy Self
This week’s episode of “Sister Wives” was more a mash up than an episode. It felt like the editors didn’t have enough on one topic, so cobbled a bunch of things together to generate 45 minutes of outcasted Mormon fun. The non-sequiters were bumpin’ and I kept waiting for strobe lights to appear and Vanilla Ice’s old beats to carry the scenes.
They really paraded the 17 kids around this week. I wanted so badly for a 1-800 number to appear on the bottom of the screen so we could donate. “For the price of one cup of coffee a day I COULD FEED Nickelback’s 17 kids!” One of the kids said she hopes her parents and ‘Aunts’ (what do you call your father’s three other wives?) receive funding for their business “My Sister Wives Closet” because she wants to go to college and eat. Aww. Eventually this same kid waved a scholarship letter around the room from Utah State and everyone clapped then moved on acting like her free education was just a coupon for 20% off a brisket.
There was such a dearth in material this week they had Meri (wife #2) travel from their home/s in Vegas to Utah to have pizza with a friend she hadn’t seen since kindergarten 37 years ago. I shit you not. The friend was all like, “It’s been a long time.” And Meri, who I assume needed to vent was all like, “It was hard when Dad was kicked out of the church for having more than one wife! Your grandfather was on the board, right? You know, at his trial?”
So Meri grew up that way too. This fully proves we can all blame our problems on our parents. Meri then visits the house she grew up in and announces that the second wife lived in the basement. Ladies, this is why you want to be wife number one! There she was up on the lawn with her long lost friend and one of her daughters. Out comes the neighbor, who was roughly one hundred and twelve years of age. He was creeping with his walker when Meri approached reminding him of her family’s sordid past. “Do you remember me?” she said. My guess is that she and her “extended family” is the one thing Father Time next door has retained. “Yes,” he croaked. Meri then told the camera that she thinks the neighbors knew what was going on in the house. You think?
In one scene the wives had an idea to throw Nickelback a party for moving them to Las Vegas three years earlier. They didn’t actually have a choice to stay in Utah, they were run out because Nickelback was going to have to stand trial. You see, polygamy has never been legal. Even in Utah! My guess is that he was holding orange swatches against his skin and pouting because he’s not an “Autumn” when he saw a tourism commercial and learned, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Then asked his wives to pack the kids. Nickelback is no member of MENSA, but boy, is he a survivor.
At the party all the wives dressed up as playing cards. I kept waiting for them to fight over who was going to be The Queen Of Hearts, but they ended up looking like the poor man’s joker. No fun! There was a microphone where all the kids got up and said things like, “I was really upset when we moved and the first year was rough, but I’m happy I don’t have to lie anymore and tell people my family are my friends.” This portion was ripe! I was yelling at the screen World Cup- style. “How did you answer when people asked how you met ‘your friends’?” “Can you rate each other from best-looking to not- so-cute, you know, like the Kardashians do?” I will give them credit, the cupcakes and lollipops looked good. You’re probably wondering… if their business doesn’t get funding how will the C-students in the fam pay for college? Well, your day is about to turn around because I am pleased to announce the investors buckled, giving them $250,000- $500,000. They did save face by announcing that in the business world that’s a big middle finger and only 5% of what they should give. But Nickelback acts like he can’t count and was super stoked. Now his wives can get to work!