May 15, 2019
Silicon Valley Recap: We Need To Talk About Kevin
Previously, in our HBO’s Silicon Valley recap, of Mike Judge’s Silicon Valley: there was some buttfucking of the literal symbol of freedom. : ( Judging by his liver, kidneys, whatever, Richard has aged 40 years in seven weeks and is biologically older than a 58-year-old meth addict. What’s the matter, Richard? asks the world’s worst Urgent Care doctor. Richard can’t even throw a frisbee — he once chipped a tooth trying — all he can do is program, but he’s been stuck for a week now on his cloud architecture. We feel you, Richard. We once (not kidding) sprained our back WRITING A BOOK. In his professional opinion, the doctor thinks Richard should have taken the $10 million from Gavin Belson. But regrets will kill you, so try not to dwell on it. “I tried to tell you,” he says, because of course he did no such thing.
The boys are as one — including Jared — in telling Richard to get outside help — or “insourcing,” which I do not know what that is actually supposed to mean, do you?, as his cloud architecture sticky notes are clogging up the SCRUM.
Jared wants to bring in The Carver, a black-hat hacker who is the future of cloud architecture, and who’s busy shutting down failed tech by … clouding I guess. He is 12. He’ll go by Kevin thanks.
We need to talk about Kevin.
Kevin is a snotty little bitch, but no more so than even the best-intentioned teens, really. He thought Richard would be younger with his really solid algorithm, instead of a geezer at death’s door (26). Kevin will do their whole job — the one Richard hasn’t been able to solve in a week — in two days, before he has to go to Model UN. Richard, no longer the genius, is so pissed.
Gilfoyle’s picked up his girlfriend, Tara, from the airport, she’s gorgeous and tiny and has a rack till next Tuesday. “Nice to meet you,” she says to the boys. Their mouths do not connect to their brains; they are utterly silent, but manage to actually stay in the room instead of running out of it like they did when poor Mochaccino sent them all scurrying with her strange feminine globules and cooter.
Tara and Gilfoyle are doing sex and having showers and being slightly undressed. This is a strange energy for the house. Since when do any of these fuckers even know a girl, let alone sex one up? Tara would like some Dinesh up in her, Gilfoyle says. “If you wanna fuck my girlfriend, I’m okay with it.” Dinesh will spend some time with this idea. It’s not like he has any pressing business, since Richard is still stuck on the cloud.
Peter Gregory — whom apparently we will not be seeing again, as Christopher Evan Welch died during filming, RIP — is building an island, for ultra libertarian muchness. He will be shipping his driverless car there, but Monica asks if Jared would like to take it home first? Jared is delighted! Oh, dear.
Erlich is dismayed that Tara doesn’t want him, the logical person in the house, but wants Dinesh instead. This will lead to much bitchery, and the immortal rejoinder, “you’re probably right, she just wanted to fuck a Danish.”
The driverless car has overshot Jared’s destination and input its new destination: Peter’s island, 4000 miles away, with some water in between. Jared is not delighted.
Dinesh will be joining Tara and Gilfoyle at the Satanic baptism of the database administrator of Yahoo. (They’re everywhere.) Dinesh smiles smugly at Erlich, Tara’s arm through his. Now everyone’s going to the Satanic baptism, as you do.
Jared is now in a container, in the driverless car, stuck there for the next 100 hours. This is really upsetting and I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL.
LEAVE JARED ALOOOOOOOONE.
At the Satanic baptism, as ugly naked people in Yellow King masks stand silent during the droned service, Erlich figures it out: Tara is attracted to ugliness, hence her wanting to be porked by Dinesh. Dinesh disagrees; he is called by his friends “Pakistani Denzel.” Erlich does not concur with Dinesh’s imaginary friends’ assessment.
The giant salmon colored turd pile of sticky notes that Richard couldn’t get through has dwindled to two sticky notes under Kevin’s prodigious cloud architecture talent. Richard isn’t happy about this, though; he’s being a colicky baby about no longer being the boy genius of the room. He sucks it up, though, and asks for Kevin’s help with the data persistence thingie he’s having trouble with. Kevin is (surprisingly) generous in offering to help. What scrapes and hijinks shall ensue?
Hail Satan, the baptism is done. Well thanks for coming, everyone, says the Satanic minister, have some Chick Fil A. Sure, it’s owned by evangelical Christians, but it sure is delicious. He thinks the dark lord would understand.
Richard returns from an Oreos run to find Kevin curled up and whimpering under the desk. He’s overwritten the entire data structure. “I did it again. I did it again,” he keens, before imparting his true Origing Story: He didn’t hack into BofA, he was a consultant there who crashed their entire system. It took a team of seven engineers a week to find his mistake. Now he’s accidentally told Richard what he nondisclosured never to tell, and snot-sobs, “I might get in trouble!”
He has skullfucked the entire system, Richard shouts, disregarding the Rules for Commenting Radicals.
Richard and Kevin go through the code line by line, to unfuck it while the unfucking’s good. Kevin has run out of Adderall, his moxie replaced with sullen mumbles maybeidunno. Jared’s got the refill, in his container in presumably the South China Seas. Richard goes to find some children and buy drugs from them.
Dinesh has made a new SCRUM of reasons to fuck or not fuck tara, including
- Facing Gilfoyle
- Gilfoyle tweets
- Gilfoyle tells people
- Gilfoyle knows
- possible Gilfoyle hidden camera
- shame of Gilfoyle
- she screams Gilfoyle.
So that’s that, then, Dinesh will sex up Gilfoyle’s satanic baby.
Richard gets beaten up by the child who sold him fake Adderall. Erlich finds him crying in the room and we cut to Erlich slapping the child to the ground. “You just brought piss to a shitfight you little cunt,” he screams. “Get in your fucking house and get me five adderall or I’ll slit your fucking throat!” Erlich’s got his uses.
Dinesh tells Tara he’s thought about it a lot, but if he can verify the door is locked, he would love to have sexual relations with her. Tara is all like beg pardon? Gilfoyle, did you tell Dinesh I wanted to sex him up? Gilfoyle: No. Wait, yeah, I did, I forgot.
Jared, after 100 hours sweating and fluid-free in a metal box, is in a huge container warehouse where all the forklifts are self-driving. There is humanity nowhere. He comes outside to see water water everywhere and not a drop to drink.
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