May 20, 2014
Silicon Valley Recap: A Love Song For Jared
Mike Judge’s “Silicon Valley” on HBO, of which this is a recap, was reasonably funny in season one episode four, “Fiduciary Duties.” We took many many notes, even though we were high. But we are going to skip all the parts that aren’t Jared, because Jared has become our everything.
We all need a Jared. Let us count the ways.
1. Jared is not this dude who does something for Peter Gregory and who blithely interrupts “yuck!” when Richard tells him Pied Piper started out as a music app, and then turns away to start shredding on his electric git-tar while Richard is still talking about pixels.
2. Jared is as faithful as Bighead, but not dumb. (When the boys whiteboarding at Hooli trying to reverse-engineer Pied Piper ask Bighead for clarification about some … thing … at first we assume he is playing dumb, because he has already voluntarily moled himself for best friend Richard, and wouldn’t want to help Hooli in any way, $700 large contract or not. And then you realize, and they realize, oh man he has no idea about any of this, and Richard’s executive decision to cut Bighead in for shares would have been a HORRIBLE business decision.) Jared never just nods and smiles when he doesn’t understand what is going on, because he always understands what is going on. He nods and smiles to comfort you, to assure you he cares. Oh, how Jared cares.
3. Jared would never leave fishheads and fishguts in the sink, like the Vietnamese (?) intern, whose hiring was unpractical. Jared can communicate in clear English, despite the softness of his voice which makes all the other men want to murder him because he is beta, and betas must be destroyed.
4. Jared is Opposite-Land Dinesh, who is bitchy and undermines every decision and indecision. “Richard, I’m just going to recap for a second,” thank you Dinesh, “You turned down $10 million to be able to develop something that you, as the head of the company, can’t even describe to another human being.
I say this only to motivate you.”
5. Jared will never end up in a room full of losers, “Enlightened”-style. He will always receive communications, file reports, and attend meetings. They will just forget he is there.
6. He will never start a startup that sends actresses to parties to talk to guests and be interested in them while being terrible at actually selling the services, since his sales technique is not “neg them and call them ugly and boring,” it’s “I admire you and would like to be a part of your enterprise.”
7. He is not Peter Gregory on a litter, welcoming people to the fourth annual Peter Gregory Foundation Orgy of Caring. “The first three were … fine. There’s a second bar in back where the line is much shorter. Thank you. I’m done.” Although it very much hurt his feelings not to be invited, and he would have liked to see the girls. Also, when his feelings are hurt, he says so, if like a pussy, instead of keeping it all inside and festering and not making (gently) his needs known.
8. OK, blah blah the guys are in the living room being sociopaths whatever and here comes Jared and he is SUCH a pussy and he’s so good at what he does and provides so much value in dumb MBA bullshit that shouldn’t be necessary to know to run your company but apparently fucking is and he prostrates himself constantly as a blight on humanity that no one could ever love. He gives them a halting lame peace sign on his way out the door to privately conference with Richard.
9. He had paneer and watched a documentary about Liberia, so he had a pretty good night.
10. He offers his full support if Richard really wants Erlich on the board. He is the only supportive person in Richard’s life. Keep him in mind for future parties!
11. They are there for the Peter Gregory meeting. Jared likes the new “Angry Richard.” It relaxes him, because with angry people he knows where he stands.
12. He helps Richard through his pee-pants situation. “So you thought this [drenching his entire pair of pants in the sink so a water spot would not be as noticeable] would be a better solution, understood. But consider that maybe this might not be the best choice for the meeting?” He’ll puzzle through it with him, leading him gently to not being an idiot.
Richard’s mind unfuzzes long enough to hear Jared’s soothing words. “Ohhh what the fuck am I doing I can’t go like this to the meeting?” But Jared believes in him. “Now let’s get your pants on …”
Also: “I know this isn’t the best thing to say to someone having a panic attack, but we need to hurry here?”
13. Jared is wearing Richard’s drenched pants. He doesn’t need to be either Wozniak or Jobs. He is the Giving Tree.
Here is how Zach Woods puts it.
Zach Woods is correct.