Sign Up Now To Learn How To Be A Better Homemaker For Jesus

Then Jesus says you add two eggs, lightly beaten like a bad wife

Hey, ladies, have you been wondering how you can be better at vacuuming for Jesus and popping out a quiverfull of babies like Reality TV star Michelle Duggar? Then you will NOT want to miss this exciting opportunity to attend The Art of Homemaking Conference — stop laughing, we’re serious, this is a real thing! — brought to you by the Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. If you’re a student there, you can even get course credit in — seriously, we are NOT making this up — Women’s Studies!

Just what kinds of handy housewifin’ tips will you learn from this conference, which will focus on “God’s paradigm for the homemaker, the impact of feminism on the home, spiritual formation through family worship and more”? Let’s hold our noses, get on our knees, and take a look.

Laura Leathers, who is like a crazy cat lady but for teacups, will lead this breakout session:

Enjoy a cream tea while collecting ideas for how to use your tea cups to minister to others. A variety of tea themes supplemented by practical preparation hints and infused with scripture will stimulate you to leave this seminar excited about practicing biblical hospitality.

And if you want to get your Biblical home decor on, you will definitely want to hit this:

This interactive seminar will discuss current decorating trends and ways to create tablescapes for the holiday or year round use. If you have a difficult room in your home, you can get your questions answered and tips for decorating your home in a way that reflects your life.

And for those of you interested in learning how to give your husband a holy happy:

Using the acrostic of STRENGTH we will outline the keys to a successful marriage. We will begin with our relationship to God and discover His design and purpose in creating us for our husbands. Upon that foundation, we will then get practical and discover what we must “put on” every day in order to bring laughter, joy, peace, and love to a relationship and home that is continually marred by sin.

You can also get your praying on with the Duggar family, all eleventeen trillion of them, while they take a break from campaigning for wingnut Republicans and comparing Obama’s America to Nazi Germany because abortion is a “baby holocaust.” You can even attend a special session with the missus, who will explain how birth control is eeeeeeevil and doesn’t work anyway, and that’s why she and her husband “decided to leave family planning to the Lord.” Which seems to have worked really well for them and their 20-and-counting children.

[Concerned Women for America]

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  • Guest

    This is so icky!

  • kotz

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH now I want to kill ALL THE THINGS. Mostly because this is a flashback to high school. Thanks for nothing, WELS f$&ing high school.Shout out to softball, which introduced me to bi-girls, my gateway drug to butch lesbians.

  • Respiteini

    Dammit. That’s in Texas. I was looking forward to seeing how I could better support my wife’s career by improving my homemaker skills. Oh well. What time is Sandra Lee on?

  • Writer A Writerstein

    I was wondering who could possibly hate their ovaries this fucking much. Then I saw Concerned Women for America. Thanks, the world makes sense now.

    • Oscarthegrouch

      Probably women who don’t want to end up alone with their cats.

  • Mrs_Wudi

    Christian decorating tips… based on my holy-rollin’ mother-in-law’s stellar “taste,” I imagine this is lots of gingham print, soft pastels, and resin plaques for every tabletop with inspirational Bible verses. Oh, and let’s not forget, creepy backlit white Jesus picture above the mantle!

  • automaticpilot

    Is a cream tea anything like a creamcup?

  • Guest

    Be hard to fail a course like that if you could stop vomiting long enough.

  • automaticpilot

    And why on God’s green earth is this posted in Happy Nice Time People? There is nothing happy or nice time about it!

  • Lizzietish81
  • Hammiepants

    Well, I’m just a LITTLE resentful that they think my relationship and home are “continually marred by sin”. That’s mostly on the weekends.

  • Randy Riddle

    Who wants to do a Kickstarter to send a drag queen to this thing with a camera crew?

    • wwroda

      What’s the Tupperware ‘Queen’s name? We should send her!

      • wwroda

        Aunt Barbara!!!!!!!!!!!

    • $73376667

      Fuck that, send a goddamn bear.

  • automaticpilot

    By the way, I think that picture shows two lesbian couples on a double date.

  • Lizzietish81

    I’m sure the decorating class has a lesson on how to avoid teh gay decorators. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibUsglYe4r0

  • edith prickly

    A variety of tea themes supplemented by practical preparation hints and infused with scripture will stimulate you to leave this seminar excited about practicing biblical hospitality.

    Infused with scripture? Is she advising people to brew their Bible pages?

    • Annie Towne

      The taste of holy ink is kind of icky, so I burn the pages and then sprinkle the ashes on the tops of cookies instead of sugar. This also reminds my guests and myself not to succumb to the lure and glamour of witchcraft, although some would say that ship has already sailed (at which point I just Jessica Lange them).

  • AntiDerpomeme

    “Enjoy a cream tea while collecting ideas for how to use your tea cups to minister to others.”Huh? What does that even mean? I’m assuming this is like “putting hands on,” but cups are used instead of hands, right? Faith healing is sooooo interesting.

  • Audra Tallis

    I’d rather embed a bullet in my skull. Seriously.

  • Señor Skwerl

    Joanne 4:17: For God so loved the tea, that he gave Betty his only teacup. And whoever serveth the tea shall be blessed and can look down on others.

  • Buddha Stalin

    On graduation do you get an MRS degree?

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Who Would Jesus Dominate?

  • docterry6973

    I would not expect to hear much about empowerment. Though Jesus had an awesome tea set.

  • It would be worth signing up just to ask if it’s more sinful to give him a BJ or a handy.

    • Deleted

      This post was deleted.

      • discus_sucks_ass

        calling it a sin makes it oh so much spicier when she is submitting to her Holy Hubby

  • Unholy Moses

    That brunette on the right is a FUCKING GIANT OH MY GOD I WILL TOTALLY SUBMIT IF YOU DON’T CRUSH ME WITH YOUR ODDLY LARGE HANDS!!11!!1

  • $73376667

    Godfuckingdamnit, if there’s anybody who needs a class in “How to cook something other than ramen” and “How to sew a fucking button,” it’s college students, but damn if the Talibangelicals don’t keep trying to tie gender roles to HomeEc, ensuring that everyone wants to stay away.

    • discus_sucks_ass

      seriously, in HS I took a year of Home Economics, best place to meet girls and let them teach me all kinds of stuff. Of course I was also in the Drama Club ready to heal those ladies who were so very eager to share themselves on the stage :) I have been a Dirty Old Man for decades!

  • coozledad

    Using the acrostic of STRENGTH we will outline the keys to a successful marriageS-uck, the dirt off the floor. Vacuum with all of your might!T-it’s gonna suit him to a T if you wave them in his face tonite.R-im, put a glove on if you have to, and get that toilet licking whiteE-ee! make him think you’ve come, before you turn away and say goodnight.N- know the guy who’s in the woodpile, he’ll make it EEasier for you to scream EEE!, or G-girl, you know your friends are lonely, and you know they also haveT’s, soH-it it, as much as you can stomach, and even if you H-ate it, don’t you dare digitate it. The Lord’ll be elated, the more you are deflated, and when you die you’ll be instated in the heavenly housewife legion of STRENGTH! (pronounced with a short e).

  • Tansygeek

    Will they televise the episode where Mrs. Duggar’s uterus finally prolapses?

  • Rich Sanfilippo
  • font9a

    Mmmmmmm. Drippy white loads of sweet sticky cream running down the sides of that hot brown stack…

  • Melinda Piette

    Sooooo much wrong here:1) Why does a rather simple cake require 4 ladies to create it? Amateurs.2) I thought “Women’s Studies” was what they would call “Feminazi Man Bashing”.3) Ironically, the more sane tips they’re showcasing, like decorating for Holidays have been taught and showcased BETTER for at least 30 years by an evil, librul career woman, Martha Stewart.BTW, since I’m also a liebrul feminist and enjoy doing all these girly things, I might be a bit sensitive—-and would add, ironically, most of these Xtian ladies are usually not especially gifted at the “domestic arts”.

  • Edwin 隊列 Cuna

    They will teach hygiene and clean Christian panties:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xv7REV2HEY

  • JParkerSD46

    I’m surprised the Duggars even have time for the s-e-x. But then it’s really fun to picture Jim Bob with a ball gag on all fours with Mrs. D with a whip and strap-on getting ready to jam ol’ Dad.

  • JeffWest

    “… in order to bring laughter, joy, peace, and love to a relationship and home that is continually marred by sin.” Well, why are you ladies continually marring your homes with sin? Did you all get tattoos? Did you refuse to marry your rapist? Or did you mix cotton clothing with rayon accessories?