Shut Up, The Dave Matthews Band Is Awesome (Video)
Truth time: I am 33 years old. I live in Southern California. I am an author and a blogger and a comedian. I am a bedwetting left-wing feminist pseudo intellectual. And I fuckin’ love me some Dave Matthews Band. I just got so real with you.
And it’s about to get realer.
I love DMB so much that I have, on several occasions, chosen to listen to DMB on road trips alone, alternately singing with joy and crying with joy and then quivering with joy and then laughing with pure childlike DELIGHT. I love DMB so much that I will covertly seek out people with puka shell necklaces and Tevas (who the fuck still wears Tevas? Monsters, probably) just to see if these symbols do in fact signify what I think they signify: a fondness for the slow bro jam jazz of the man from South Africa/Virgina and his cohorts.
The first Dave Matthews Band song I ever heard was “Jimi Thing.” It was on one of those CD sampler CMJ used to give out, and I’m pretty sure it was accompanied by songs by Catherine Wheel and Pop Will Eat Itself. I was 13. I fell in love. And in New Jersey in the ’90s, that was okay. But eventually it became Not Okay to like the Dave Matthews Band. And today I suffer for my love. SUFFER FOR IT, I say. Evidence is presented in the Twitter conversations below.
Which is more offensive to you: my sympathies for the Palestinian cause OR my adoration of the Dave Matthews Band? Be honest. — Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) July 5, 2014
@SaraJBenincasa DMB and it isn’t even close.
— KevinLin (@KevinLindsay) July 5, 2014
@SaraJBenincasa As a Jew, I have to say DMB.
— miriam gc (@miriamgc) July 5, 2014
@SaraJBenincasa Obviously Dave Mattews, the title alone of “Under the Table and Dreaming” was deemed a terroristic act by the UN.
— Jim Dandy (@muzikguy1) July 5, 2014
And those are only a few of the examples! This is nothing compared to the shame and derision I experience when I admit my love for the Dave Matthews Band face-to-face with humans. Otherwise kind, loving and gentle people turn positively sallow with disgust. They screw their faces up and try to hold back the barf.
It makes me sad.
Not because I feel inadequate, mind you; no. I feel very good about myself and my admittedly uncool taste in music. No, I feel sad for them, for these poor blighted souls who know not what they are missing. I feel sad for them because the Dave Matthews Band is fucking awesome. I say this with the full knowledge and understanding that none of you appreciates the cuteness of longtime bassist Stefan Lessard, not to mention the magic that was saxophonist LeRoi Moore (RIP) or the dynamic energy of Boyd Tinsley on violin or the charm of Carter Beauford on drums OR OF COURSE THE GENIUS OF DAVE MATTHEWS HIMSELF.
The Dave Matthews Band is delightful. The Dave Matthews Band is a day at the beach followed by a bonfire with marshmallows that burn in JUST the right way, bro. The Dave Matthews Band is a day hike up a mountain that results, again, in a bonfire with marshmallows. The Dave Matthews Band is a bonfire. The Dave Matthews Band is marshmallows. The Dave Matthews Band is relaxing, good-time music.
I understand that some people don’t like the crowds DMB attracts. To paraphrase Gandhi, who probably would’ve loved him some Dave, “I like your Dave Matthews Band, but I do not like your Dave Matthews Band fans. They are so unlike your Dave Matthews Band.” Which is to say that while DMB celebrates diversity and happy sex and dranking and smoking in a gentle, loving fashion, there are many shitty aggro douchenozzle brociopath Dave Matthews Band fans who want to murder supermodels and wear their skin. I don’t know why this is. I just know that it is.
But it is possible to look past the crowds of dummies and instead see the happy crowds of joyful, simple folk like myself, who simply enjoy the power of lovely music. This is a hardworking band that tours its collective ass off and has done so for over two decades, attracting ginormous amounts of fans. I used to cut out of (high) school early to go see DMB at Giants Stadium and the shows were siiiiick. Allegedly, the shows are still siiiiick, although I haven’t gone in years because I can never find anybody to go with me.
Anyhoozle, I will not make any further attempt to convince you that the Dave Matthews Band is amazing. I will simply say that if you do not like the Dave Matthews Band, you are wrong. I, on the other hand, am right. NOW WITNESS THIS TRANSCENDENT GLORY. It is a 12-minute version of a song that should be, like, 3 minutes. It is baby making music so watch out ya don’t get PRAIGNANT (that includes you, dudes.)