Shut Up, The Dave Matthews Band Is Awesome (Video)

Shut Up, The Dave Matthews Band Is Awesome (Video)

Truth time: I am 33 years old. I live in Southern California. I am an author and a blogger and a comedian. I am a bedwetting left-wing feminist pseudo intellectual. And I fuckin’ love me some Dave Matthews Band. I just got so real with you.

And it’s about to get realer.

I love DMB so much that I have, on several occasions, chosen to listen to DMB on road trips alone, alternately singing with joy and crying with joy and then quivering with joy and then laughing with pure childlike DELIGHT. I love DMB so much that I will covertly seek out people with puka shell necklaces and Tevas (who the fuck still wears Tevas? Monsters, probably) just to see if these symbols do in fact signify what I think they signify: a fondness for the slow bro jam jazz of the man from South Africa/Virgina and his cohorts.

The first Dave Matthews Band song I ever heard was “Jimi Thing.” It was on one of those CD sampler CMJ used to give out, and I’m pretty sure it was accompanied by songs by Catherine Wheel and Pop Will Eat Itself. I was 13. I fell in love. And in New Jersey in the ’90s, that was okay. But eventually it became Not Okay to like the Dave Matthews Band. And today I suffer for my love. SUFFER FOR IT, I say. Evidence is presented in the Twitter conversations below.

 

 

And those are only a few of the examples! This is nothing compared to the shame and derision I experience when I admit my love for the Dave Matthews Band face-to-face with humans. Otherwise kind, loving and gentle people turn positively sallow with disgust. They screw their faces up and try to hold back the barf.

It makes me sad.

Not because I feel inadequate, mind you; no. I feel very good about myself and my admittedly uncool taste in music. No, I feel sad for them, for these poor blighted souls who know not what they are missing. I feel sad for them because the Dave Matthews Band is fucking awesome. I say this with the full knowledge and understanding that none of you appreciates the cuteness of longtime bassist Stefan Lessard, not to mention the magic that was saxophonist LeRoi Moore (RIP) or the dynamic energy of Boyd Tinsley on violin or the charm of Carter Beauford on drums OR OF COURSE THE GENIUS OF DAVE MATTHEWS HIMSELF.

The Dave Matthews Band is delightful. The Dave Matthews Band is a day at the beach followed by a bonfire with marshmallows that burn in JUST the right way, bro. The Dave Matthews Band is a day hike up a mountain that results, again, in a bonfire with marshmallows. The Dave Matthews Band is a bonfire. The Dave Matthews Band is marshmallows. The Dave Matthews Band is relaxing, good-time music.

I understand that some people don’t like the crowds DMB attracts. To paraphrase Gandhi, who probably would’ve loved him some Dave, “I like your Dave Matthews Band, but I do not like your Dave Matthews Band fans. They are so unlike your Dave Matthews Band.” Which is to say that while DMB celebrates diversity and happy sex and dranking and smoking in a gentle, loving fashion, there are many shitty aggro douchenozzle brociopath Dave Matthews Band fans who want to murder supermodels and wear their skin. I don’t know why this is. I just know that it is.

But it is possible to look past the crowds of dummies and instead see the happy crowds of joyful, simple folk like myself, who simply enjoy the power of lovely music. This is a hardworking band that tours its collective ass off and has done so for over two decades, attracting ginormous amounts of fans. I used to cut out of (high) school early to go see DMB at Giants Stadium and the shows were siiiiick. Allegedly, the shows are still siiiiick, although I haven’t gone in years because I can never find anybody to go with me.

Anyhoozle, I will not make any further attempt to convince you that the Dave Matthews Band is amazing. I will simply say that if you do not like the Dave Matthews Band, you are wrong. I, on the other hand, am right. NOW WITNESS THIS TRANSCENDENT GLORY. It is a 12-minute version of a song that should be, like, 3 minutes. It is baby making music so watch out ya don’t get PRAIGNANT (that includes you, dudes.)

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  • ArgieBargie

    I’m afraid it’s not gonna work between us, Sara.

  • klatte

    I didn’t realize how much I loved them until I copied all of my CDs into iTunes. Every album, baby.

  • GaelicForFailure

    I’m the same age and grew up in Connecticut so…I feel you. And I was at that concert in Central Park (although my memories are fuzzy).

  • austinburns

    It’s a shame that you picked the cover of their worst album to headline this article. :/

  • BigRedDog

    While I haven’t listened to DMB in well over a decade, I sometimes get nostalgic for my mid ’90s self when Labor Day wasn’t Labor Day unless I was burnt to a crisp, high as fuck and watching DMB at the Gorge in George.

  • SullivanSt

    Too young and not American enough to have ever been to a Grateful Dead concert, but I imagine I got closer to an authentic experience of that by going to see DMB than The Dead (on 4-24!).

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      trust me, as someone who is too old, DMB is not even close to the GD. The current Dead tour isn’t either, other than a weak copy of the old parking lot scene and all the last hangers on who can’t quite come to terms with the fact that Jerry passed on 20 years ago. But you’re coming apples and oranges with the DMB and The Dead, whereas the boys themselves were more Filet Mignon and lobster and a 7 layer cake we liek for dessert- a piece of fruit ain’t even close

  • MagicSwordKing

    Dave Matthews Band is the best band in the world that everybody pretends to hate. I have never understood the criticism of their music, yeah, its not for everyone, but I can’t find any logical complaints about it other than the fact that douchey white boys seem to like it disproportionately.

    • tomsveb

      I’m pretty sure it’s that last thing you said. I don’t love them, and I don’t particularly like them, but I wouldn’t run away if they were played.

    • Charismatic_dairy_goats

      More specifically, it’s burned into my memory that John Edwards promised Rielle Hunter that when he got divorced (or widowed), they would get married and the Dave Matthews Band would play at their reception. Ruined that band for me forever.

  • randomness lez

    Other than the fact that every one of their songs sounds like every other one of their songs, what’s not to like?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Meh, the DMB are the radio friendly AOR version of a jam band, the lite beer of rock and roll- not necessarily bad, just half the calories and half the taste of the real thing. Their best stuff was the first couple albums when John Popper was around and Dave hadn’t written that same song for the 15th time

  • Christopher Mauney

    Live at Luther College is still the best live album of…um…1999, apparently.

  • Force Crater

    DMB is the Blues without the old wrinkly hanging gonads so necessary to appreciate the hard life of a working man. Which is probably why douches flock to his sound (and now douchettes!) Take two hits of Jimi and a smack of Bo Diddley and all will be forgiven.

  • Arcturus

    The Dave Mathews Band is best remembered for literally dumping their tour bus shit into the Chicago River 10 years ago… Along with dumping their shit music on the public. Plus, their name is stupid.

  • Alex Ruthrauff

    Fact 1: I have been to more DMB shows than any other band with the possible exception of Radiohead (can’t remember)Fact 2: I’ve never owned a DMB cdFact 3: Nobody cares. But I think it’s weird.

  • gingerwentworth

    Aren’t you ashamed to let your man down in this way???? Can you imagine him saying “I used to like Sara B. but . . now she’s not as trendy. . . I think Dave and the Band would always stand tall for you, but I’m just guessing of course. I’d like to see you in your concert t-shirt though, in a picture at the site, to show all of us. Thank you.

  • ryp

    If Dave Matthews were a paint color he’d be taupe. Some people like taupe.

  • I’m witchoo, Sara. But I don’t want to murder supermodels and wear their skin. I want to be a supermodel and have her skin. Plus I’m not a dude, and not douchey (unless I get that Not So Fresh feeling).

  • Pookums

    You know what’s more embarrassing than my friends’ adoration of the Dave Matthews Band? Their insistence on referring to it simply as “Dave”.Oh, you’re on a first-name basis with them? Really?:-/

  • Daniel P

    Jimi Thing is overrated. Then again, I’m the only person on earth who loves ‘The Best of What’s Around’ and doesn’t understand why it wasn’t a hit. So there’s that.

  • msanthropesmr

    In the immortal words of Robert Christgau, “bland as a tofu sandwich.”