Aug 6, 2020
Shrill Rage Vulture Nancy Grace Would Like To Yell At You About ‘Dance Moms’
We spent our morning trying to figure out who’s mad at who on Dance Moms and who is going to jail and we think the answer is all of them, Katie. As if the unceasing ragefest that is moms forcing their children to dance wasn’t enough, incandescent screeching hyena Nancy Grace has now weighed in too.
Let’s go watch some clips of “Dance Moms” so we can figure this all out! Yay!
OK, first something called a Kelly Hyland got very mad about her daughter dancing or not dancing maybe and had to have a literal knock down drag out fight with dance teacher lady Abby Miller.
Does this video have everything? Oh yes it does. There is Dance Mom Hyland waving around a glob of fake hair while throwing a temper tantrum about her kid dancing.
There is Hyland telling the other Dance Moms, who seem to retain a small shred of dignity and good behavior, to shut up. There are a bunch of children looking on, and they are equal parts bemused and terrified. There is Miller calling Hyland a dingbat, which is something we have not heard since our grandmother passed. There is a finger wagging fight that devolves into Miller making chompy faces and lunging at Hyland, who solves this problem by pulling Miller’s hair, like you do. And then there is the single greatest exchange of the show:
“No, I’m not crazy. You were eating my face!”
Next, we have Abby calling the cops over the hair pull, of course.
Though we kinda figured the police had better things to do than investigate hair pulling, Hyland was totally arrested for it.
TMZ was the first to report Thursday that Hyland, mother to Abby Lee Dance Company elite competition dancers and fellow reality stars Brooke Hyland, 15, and Paige Hyland, 13, was arrested in November in New York following a scuffle with the infamous teacher. Reportedly, the 42-year-old dance mom was booked for “assault and harassment” but not officially charged with the crimes.
Because everyone related to this show is terrible, Hyland responded to the arrest by filing a lawsuit against Miller for $5 million for defamation (huh?), assault (eh, maybe), breach of contract (sure, whatevs) and maybe also too violation of child labor laws for making her children dance even though Hyland has demanded they become dancing queens pretty much since they were born.
Enter Nancy Grace. This thing must have been like catnip to Grace. She must have smelled the spurious arrest and rage-fueled lawsuit a million miles away, because this thing is custom made for Nancy Grace’s bombastic disregard for facts while pursuing her quest for ratings with maximum screeching.
Grace is firmly on Team Face Chomper aka Team Miller, because if Hyland was really scared of her children being abused, she should have been scared long ago. Would you like to be yelled at by Nancy Grace for several minutes about this? Of course you would!
The poor hapless lawyer representing Hyland just keeps trying to get a word in edgewise as Grace yells at him about how it is all his client’s fault. Dude, have you never watched Nancy Grace? The woman is a banshee. Your sole purpose for existing on her show is to get screamed at. After yelling at him for a solid 60 seconds, she asks which lady is his client. She yelled at the man and told him his client was in the wrong AND ONLY AFTER THAT TRIED TO FIGURE OUT WHO HIS CLIENT WAS. Nancy Grace is a goddamn national treasure.
Much as we hate to side with Grace, Hyland’s lawsuit is fairly dumb. You attack a lady that has taught your daughters for years, and said attack is over the fact that you want your precious little child dance bundle to get more dance and air time. After the attack, because Miller does not like having that giant hair of hers grabbed, you are suddenly very concerned your child is being exploited. Doesn’t wash. Dance mom is terrible. Dance mom teacher is terrible. But Nancy Grace is the queen of terrible now and forever amen.