Shia LaBeouf Is Going To Take His Stolen Toys And Go Home

Shia LaBeouf Is Going To Take His Stolen Toys And Go Home

In a move that leaves internet entertainment bloggers everywhere shocked and saddened, perpetual plagiarism machine Shia LaBeouf has announced he is retiring from whatever it is Shia LaBeouf is doing these days. How does one quit stealing everyone else’s creative thoughts? Is there a celebrity 12-step program you can enter?


Look what you’ve done, you monsters! You’ve robbed the world of the treasure, the sweet sweet prince, the fragile, budding genius, that is Shia. Who else do you have that will steal everyone else’s heartfelt apologies, dreams, hopes, and ambitions, and make them his own?


Sadly, you know this isn’t going to be a real retirement. It’s going to be one of those Jay-Z style fake retirements, though Jay-Z was at least someone people wanted to come back. It’s going to be yet another way for Shia to steal attention, probably by whiny ass titty babying about how people being mean to him for stealing stuff led to him feeling like he had to stop creating but then his creative juices will burst forth and the world will be covered in Shia.

Gah. We just grossed ourselves out there. Anyway, so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen goodbye. Your career has gone to bed and so must I.

Though we’ll regret the loss of this steady supply of post fodder, we will not regret having to look up whether it is “LaBeouf” or “LaBoeuf” every five minutes.

[The Independent]

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