Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)
They make it out of the house (which then collapses for no reason whatsoever) and decide to go rescue Fin’s teenage son, who’s in “flight school” at a nearby airport. On the way there, they come across a trapped school bus full of kids. And since there appear to be no police, ambulances, or other emergency services responding to this crisis, it’s up to a bar owner to save them all.
Fin rappels down a rope and hoists all the kids up one by one, including the way too talkative bus driver.
And in this film’s strangest bit of casting (yes, even stranger than Tara Reid), the bus driver is played by Robbie Rist, the former child actor best known for playing Cousin Oliver.
The kids are safely taken off-screen and forgotten about, and then the hurricane-force winds begin blowing apart the letters of the Hollywood sign. And now our cast has to dodge giant letters threatening to decapitate them.
As you’d expect, immediately after this line is when he gets crushed by a giant “D”. And I’m tempted to think Robbie’s appearance is a joke on Cousin Oliver’s introduction being one of the most infamous “jump the shark” moments in TV history (because, you know… sharks), but surely I’m giving this movie too much credit.
They continue on to the airport, where they meet up with Fin’s son Matt. And here, with about thirty minutes left in the movie, is when the actual sharknados begin to form. From the title, you’d think that this movie would be two solid hours of sharks whipping through the air, but you thought wrong.
Three sharknados form over Los Angeles, and Matt devises a plan to stop the tornadoes. I repeat, some random teenage kid has suddenly figured out how to stop tornadoes.
Tara: No way, it’s too dangerous!
But Fin lets him set his plan in motion anyway. To be fair, if I had a son who figured out how to control the weather using objects found in an army surplus store, I’d probably let him have a crack at it, too.
Nova helps Matt build the bombs, and you’ll be happy to know that these supposed tornado-busting bombs are essentially just small propane canisters.
Nova feels an instant bond with Matt, allowing her to finally share the secret behind her scar. In a barely coherent monologue that has the unmitigated gonads to rip off Quint’s speech from Jaws, she reveals that when she was a child, a shark ate her grandfather and his fishing buddies, and almost ate her too.
Matt: Now I really hate sharks too!
So, I guess prior to this, he was cool with sharks eating thousands of people, including his future stepdad?
Matt pilots a chopper while Nova drops the bombs into tornadoes, dispersing the winds and leading to sharks raining down from the sky, while Fin down on the ground blasts away at them with a pistol. The film then turns into an insane tableau of shotguns and chainsaws and sharks getting electrocuted and an old folks’ home getting terrorized and random people getting limbs chewed off and Fin setting a swimming pool on fire for no reason.
Unfortunately, Nova tumbles out of the chopper and right into a shark’s mouth. So it’s up to Fin to load up a Humvee with explosives and steer it right into the heart of the tornado. This destroys the tornado, but now there are literally dozens of sharks raining down on the city.
One shark is heading right for Fin’s daughter, so he picks up a chainsaw, and finally, we come to the one shot that will surely be this film’s lasting contribution to western civilization.
Fin gets swallowed by the shark, but soon they hear his chainsaw start up. Fin cuts his way out of the shark’s belly, and we haven’t even gotten to the stupid part yet.
A moment later, in one of the dumbest plot developments in the history of storytelling, he also pulls out Nova, who’s alive and well.
That’s right, by pure random chance, he just happened to get attacked by, and end up inside of, the exact same shark that ate Nova. For one final kick in the audience’s balls, the movie ends with this title card.
Well, I’ll give the filmmakers credit. It took over an hour and a half of crushing boredom to get to it, but they eventually pulled out all the stops and created a hilarious final act that almost justifies the existence of this movie. Almost.
Thanks to all the online buzz, SyFy has already scheduled repeat airings for this week, so set your DVR! And I’m guessing they’ve already greenlighted the inevitable sequel, Sharknado: The Revenge, where the shark survivors of this shark holocaust swear vengeance on Fin and his family. Maybe they could get Michael Caine to be in it? He’s certainly made worse films than Sharknado.