Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)

They make it out of the house (which then collapses for no reason whatsoever) and decide to go rescue Fin’s teenage son, who’s in “flight school” at a nearby airport. On the way there, they come across a trapped school bus full of kids. And since there appear to be no police, ambulances, or other emergency services responding to this crisis, it’s up to a bar owner to save them all.

Fin rappels down a rope and hoists all the kids up one by one, including the way too talkative bus driver.

Bus Driver: I used to hate heights! Now I’m away from sharks! This is great!

And in this film’s strangest bit of casting (yes, even stranger than Tara Reid), the bus driver is played by Robbie Rist, the former child actor best known for playing Cousin Oliver.

Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)

The kids are safely taken off-screen and forgotten about, and then the hurricane-force winds begin blowing apart the letters of the Hollywood sign. And now our cast has to dodge giant letters threatening to decapitate them.

Robbie: My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me!

As you’d expect, immediately after this line is when he gets crushed by a giant “D”. And I’m tempted to think Robbie’s appearance is a joke on Cousin Oliver’s introduction being one of the most infamous “jump the shark” moments in TV history (because, you know… sharks), but surely I’m giving this movie too much credit.

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They continue on to the airport, where they meet up with Fin’s son Matt. And here, with about thirty minutes left in the movie, is when the actual sharknados begin to form. From the title, you’d think that this movie would be two solid hours of sharks whipping through the air, but you thought wrong.

Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)

Three sharknados form over Los Angeles, and Matt devises a plan to stop the tornadoes. I repeat, some random teenage kid has suddenly figured out how to stop tornadoes.

Fin: Your son wants to go into a helicopter and drop a bomb into the tornado!
Tara: No way, it’s too dangerous!

But Fin lets him set his plan in motion anyway. To be fair, if I had a son who figured out how to control the weather using objects found in an army surplus store, I’d probably let him have a crack at it, too.

Nova helps Matt build the bombs, and you’ll be happy to know that these supposed tornado-busting bombs are essentially just small propane canisters.

Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)

Nova feels an instant bond with Matt, allowing her to finally share the secret behind her scar. In a barely coherent monologue that has the unmitigated gonads to rip off Quint’s speech from Jaws, she reveals that when she was a child, a shark ate her grandfather and his fishing buddies, and almost ate her too.

Nova: Six people went into the water. And one little girl came out. The sharks took the rest. They took my grandfather! That’s why I really hate sharks!
Matt: Now I really hate sharks too!

So, I guess prior to this, he was cool with sharks eating thousands of people, including his future stepdad?

Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)

Matt pilots a chopper while Nova drops the bombs into tornadoes, dispersing the winds and leading to sharks raining down from the sky, while Fin down on the ground blasts away at them with a pistol. The film then turns into an insane tableau of shotguns and chainsaws and sharks getting electrocuted and an old folks’ home getting terrorized and random people getting limbs chewed off and Fin setting a swimming pool on fire for no reason.

Unfortunately, Nova tumbles out of the chopper and right into a shark’s mouth. So it’s up to Fin to load up a Humvee with explosives and steer it right into the heart of the tornado. This destroys the tornado, but now there are literally dozens of sharks raining down on the city.

Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)

One shark is heading right for Fin’s daughter, so he picks up a chainsaw, and finally, we come to the one shot that will surely be this film’s lasting contribution to western civilization.

Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)

Fin gets swallowed by the shark, but soon they hear his chainsaw start up. Fin cuts his way out of the shark’s belly, and we haven’t even gotten to the stupid part yet.

Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)

A moment later, in one of the dumbest plot developments in the history of storytelling, he also pulls out Nova, who’s alive and well.

Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)

That’s right, by pure random chance, he just happened to get attacked by, and end up inside of, the exact same shark that ate Nova. For one final kick in the audience’s balls, the movie ends with this title card.

Sharknado (2013) (part 2 of 2)

Well, I’ll give the filmmakers credit. It took over an hour and a half of crushing boredom to get to it, but they eventually pulled out all the stops and created a hilarious final act that almost justifies the existence of this movie. Almost.

Thanks to all the online buzz, SyFy has already scheduled repeat airings for this week, so set your DVR! And I’m guessing they’ve already greenlighted the inevitable sequel, Sharknado: The Revenge, where the shark survivors of this shark holocaust swear vengeance on Fin and his family. Maybe they could get Michael Caine to be in it? He’s certainly made worse films than Sharknado.

Multi-Part Article: Sharknado (2013)

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  • danbreunig

    I already know where they ripped off the “drop the bomb into a natural disastrous force to stop it” element.

    Crack In The World. 1965 and already they were dropping nukes into volcanoes. Which leads me to believe that the Asylum guys actually researched or chanced to see a 50+ year old film which gave them this idea.

    • Lagomorph

      Do you really think that in 50+ years it never occurred to anybody to drop a bomb into a natural disaster?

      • danbreunig

        True–though oddly enough that was the first movie before any other that came to my mind. Bomb a volcano, bomb a tornado. At least with CITW (love it despite its age) they did it to keep the earth’s crust from splitting completely apart. With Sharknado they…bombed a tornado for the first time because it had sharks in it.

        • SteveWD

          A nuke probably would actually work on a tornado, but it would be like using a wrecking ball to swat a fly. You’d take out your house and maybe someone else’s if you’re lucky. BTW – I recently got ‘Crack in the World’ on blu-ray. Hadn’t seen it in probably 20+ years and it was as good as I remembered. That movie has some great miniature work (also has acting and characterization the rise about the typical 50’s – 60’s sci-fi fare).

          • danbreunig

            In the ol’ days of seafaring they thought firing cannons would stop waterspouts. Whether they shot right at the tornadoes or thought the shockwave would disperse their winds I don’t know. They even did it in Jules Verne’s Robur the Conqueror (aka The Clipper Of The Clouds). For realistic 1880s sci-fi that was the single most impossible event in the book, and it worked! Sucked up in a waterspout, fired the cannon, broke up whole swarm of waterspouts. Um…

            Speaking of Verne, that’s how I kind of see Crack In The World–a J.V. novel set in the 20th. Century instead of the 19th. And yeah, awesome gem of an otherwise lost vintage sci-fi, just the right amounts of drama, pacing, believability and feasible danger (plate tectonic theory was established just a few years after the film, so that’s why in the movie everyone thinks Earth’s crust is just one single solid mass in danger of splitting). I have this on dvd (finally!) now and I even have a Hollywood pressbook for it, and it’s a real sign of the times with the stars giving interviews that treat it rather special (Dana Andrews: “But the fascinating thing for me is that CITW could really happen.”). In fact I find it so rare in quality that it’s the only sci-fi film of that era with an unjust death by lava that actually scared me the first time I saw it–in 2002. I enjoy that movie so much that I even started making my own Rifftrax-style script for it a few years ago, then forgot about it.

            Seems I got sidetracked from Sharknado, so…well, let’s see if anyone tracks that one down fifty years from now.

          • JD

            the science for changing the temp inside a tornado to disperse a funnel is good. its the deployment that would be hard to do.

    • JD

      if it actually worked i think it would take something bigger then a small can of Acetylene and a flair

  • Cristiona

    About what I expected, really.

  • This just in, Ian Ziering thinks Sharknado might be his “John Travolta Pulp Fiction moment”. He also thinks the opening to Sharknado is “scarier” and has “more high-anxiety moments” than the original Jaws. I honestly can’t tell if he’s joking or insane.

    Here’s the interview, but if you’re sitting alone in a dark room late at night, I recommend not looking at the picture of Ian accompanying the article. Those are the eyes of a stone-cold serial killer.

    http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/sharknados-ian-ziering-maybe-is-584659

    • The_Stig

      Maybe he’s just doing the usual Hollywood “Go see my movie right the hell now!” shilling.

  • Jay_Bay

    Sharknado > Pacific R….hahahahahahahaha, oh man. Cannot even finish that troll moment.

  • The_Stig

    I had an idea for my own Sci Fi original movie, but Sharkthulhu is just so awesome, you will go insane attempting to comprehend it.

    • JD

      The sequel will be Sqidicane

    • Jay_Bay

      The sequel would be called SquidSunami! (exclamation point included)

    • Cameron Vale

      I had an idea once for Spacetopus, but apparently that’s taken. (Not to be confused with Spacetypus.)

  • And SyFy just announced the sequel. Gee guys, it’s been a whole 6 days, what took you so long?

    http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/syfy-announces-sharknado-sequel-587636

    • JD

      With the same cast?
      I guess we should have said the sequel SHOULD be Called Squidicane!

  • Ares Lancaster

    The only thing I got from this movie is that it is the answer to the question: “Has Cousin Oliver done any movies?”

  • Antenna Villain

    You can’t copyright “sargasm”. It’s already the weed of deceit.

  • Farrell McNulty

    I absolutely DID NOT KNOW that was Cousin Oliver. I thought it might be Steve Dahl.

  • kennzeichen1d

    Kreetinks pfrom Tshermanie!

    I personally have not seen the film, only heard about it.
    A lot.
    (on “How did it get made”-special emergency broadcast for instance)
    I only would like to state that one hearing the word
    SHARKNADO
    one could think that it´s a film about the
    Northern Atlantic Alliance of Sea predators, a
    SHARK- N.A.T.O., so to speak.

    Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for your time!

  • MichaelANovelli

    So, no love for Street Sharks?

    • What??

      • MichaelANovelli

        Well, in they said there were sharks on the street, and I thought, “They’re Jawsome!”

  • mamba

    If I read this right, we have a bar scene to meet the characters with a quick shark attack. Then they go to a house and meet Tara Reid. Then they rescue a bus driver and now we’re into the sharknado…but all the above took over an hour i the movie???

    The first few paragraphs before the sharknado shows up read like it was maybe 20 minutes of movie, but really was an hour worth? That’s a LOT of boring padding!

    No wonder this company can’t make a hit regardless of budget…they know nothing of pacing.

  • Spencer Shannon

    1st one was goofy fun (***-out of four) but per usual they went down hill after that?