Seven questions about Oldboy (also: all the spoilers, duh)
1. What was Josh Brolin pulling out of Samuel L. Jackson’s neck? That was gross! How come Samuel L. Jackson dyed his mohawk from yellow to blue on the same day he had that stuff pulled out of his neck? You should really not get Manic Panic in an open wound, and also, wasn’t he too busy trying to find Josh Brolin and kill him? That is only one question, by the way. Yes it is.
2. We get that 20 years in solitary made Josh Brolin very very strong, but how did it also manage to impart to him martial arts expertise? Maybe he could have just kicked all their asses by conking them on the heads, like that big sheepdog or whatever in Bugs Bunny? (Is that what we’re thinking of?) Also, they were not very well-prepared villains if they just had pieces of wood. Shouldn’t at least one of them have really had a gun? THANKS NOBAMA.
3. Did you laugh when you saw Spike Lee used his patented Spike Lee Rolling Dolly Shot, even though it was just for a second? We laughed.
4. If Josh Brolin were your dad, and you found out you had fucked your dad, wouldn’t you sorta be like “you know what, let’s just pretend we don’t know and go buy an island or whatever with all these diamonds, and also let’s start drinking again, sobriety is overrated, also, nice sex! Let’s do some more of it! Pina coladas on an island, and some dad sex, for everybody”? No? You wouldn’t? I mean, that barrier was already crossed, so you kind of might as well? Related! How soon did you know Elizabeth Olson was Josh Brolin’s daughter? We didn’t know until the bad guy said “SHE IS VERY CLOSE.” Paul didn’t know until the bad guy actually said “YOU HAVE BEEN FUCKING YOUR DAUGHTER.” How about you? (Related! The friends we were with said finding out afterwards that Elizabeth Olson was the Olson twins’ sister was actually the biggest surprise of the movie.) (Also, the fact that she was his daughter at least explained why she was so inappropriately young for him, which had been bumming us out the whole time, like, find a 30-year-old, dude, this chick’s like 12.)
5. Speaking of the bad guy, that guy kind of sucked right? Like, the acting and the feyness and the whole plot of it?
6. Instead of the revenge hinging on “I am an insane person and I want to make you fuck your daughter because I blame you for not getting to fuck my father anymore, even though that doesn’t make any sense at all because you are not the one who murder-suicided the whole family, that was good ol’ dad, and also the writers are trying VERY HARD to shock everyone, with the family-fucking and all” wouldn’t it have been better if Josh Brolin really had done something wrong, and didn’t even remember it because he was such an alcoholic asshole? Don’t bother answering that. The answer is “yes.”
7. How hard did you laugh in that first awful scene when Josh Brolin threw up on himself? A lot, right? Josh Brolin is very, very good at playing “alcoholic.” (Also “violent.”) Would that stop you from fucking Josh Brolin? No, right? You really need to have a good long talk with yourself about these violent alcoholics you keep fucking. Honestly, you. Jeez!