May 29, 2018
A Semi-Complete List Of All The Insane Things In The Insane New Snoop Dogg Hot Pockets Ad
The entire premise: Kate Upton eats a Hot Pocket all sexy-like and then has a sexxxxy dream where she flies around a baker paradise with Snoop Dogg explaining that Hot Pockets are all about the crust, yo, while Oliver Cooper counters that it is meat baby meat, while Biz Markie sings about how much he needs Hot Pockets to the tune of his own hit, “Just a Friend.”
- Kate Upton lives in some sort of urban paradise pad, but she only has Hot Pockets in the house that she self-microwaves. Shouldn’t she have minions to tend to her late night needs? I mean, when I roll home late at night to my pathetic crib, I cook up local favorite Totino’s Pizza Rolls (Minnesota represent!) but that is because I do not have anyone else to make me food.
- Larry King, because Larry King.
- Sexy Hot Pockets eating, because gahhhh.
- Bow Wow, who has mysteriously grown into an actual person as opposed to staying preternaturally young.
- The fact that Snoop, who can have any sort of dope-ass spaceship he wants, is driving some macked-up Hot Pockets Rocket with a steering wheel approximately the size of his hand.
- Kate Upton lip-synching the Biz Markie hook because I’ll probably never have sex again, at least not while imagining Kate Upton.
- Sexy butcher shop girl, dancing atop the meat cutting table. Occasionally in La Casa De Snipy, we go hard with some cleaver action to cut up whole chickens and slabs of cow and deer. Afterwords, I do not go near that table for approximately 2 weeks and 10 rounds of bleach.
- The larger than life-size plushie Hot Pocket, because that is actually probably what I’d be dreaming of if I passed out after a liquor-and-pocket fueled night.
- Larry King in a big dooky chain.