Jul 16, 2014
Seger Sex: Different Types Of Sex Inspired By Bob Seger’s Biggest Hits
Are you a fan of Bob Seger? Of course you are; you are an American (and if you’re not an American, what the FUCK are you doing on this website? We don’t need your kind here!) Aaaaanyway, it is great to have sex to any kind of Bob Seger album, but the best choice is Ultimate Hits: Rock and Roll Never Forgets. Enjoy these sex-ggestions!
“Old Time Rock and Roll”: Missionary.
“Hollywood Nights”: In stop-and-go traffic on the 101 while wearing sunglasses at night.
“Night Moves”: Fingerbanging in the back of a pickup truck in a cornfield in Michigan under the stars.
“Mainstreet”: With a stripper in Ann Arbor. Helps if she has a common name with odd spelling, like Nikkkole.
“Roll Me Away”: On the back of a Hog, parked outside a Waffle House somewhere on the High Plains.
“Turn the Page”: With a saxophone. Literally, fuck a saxophone. You’re good.
“Her Strut”: Bone a lady who is wearing nothing but a pair of heels and a frownyface. You must both be speed-walking at the time.
“Still the Same”: Fuck an extended gambling metaphor in the form of a human being.
“You’ll Accomp’ny Me”: Go down on a girl who has a name with a totally unnecessary punctuation mark, like Tiff’ny.
“We’ve Got Tonight”: Have AMAZING one-night stand sex while getting teary-eyed and maintaining full eye contact the whole time.
“Like a Rock”: Maintain a huge boner the entire time. Never achieve orgasm, but still have fun! Bonus if it’s in an American-made vehicle.
“Fire Lake”: Sometimes you need to have palate-cleansing sloppy drunk sex with someone with whom you don’t have a deep emotional connection, just to fill up the time between “Like a Rock” and “Tryin’ to Live My Life Without You.” Thus, “Fire Lake.” Smoke five packs of cigarettes before, during and after the act.
“Tryin’ to Live My Life Without You”: Masturbate.
“Rock and Roll Never Forgets”: You know when you haven’t had sex in awhile (whatever “awhile” means to you) and at first when you do it your body is like, “Whoa! What’s this?” but then you instantly remember what to do because duh? Well, rock and roll never forgets.
“Against the Wind”: Fuck Forrest Gump.
“Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Man”: This is the greatest of all Bob Seger fast jams, as opposed to his greatest ballad, “We’ve Got Tonight.” Just basically have the most fun sex that doesn’t last long enough. Probably you should both be virgins.
“The Fire Down Below”: Have sex that chafes both of you, but it’s worth it.
“Travelin’ Man”: Run away from your regular life and bone a truck stop waiter/waitress.
“Beautiful Loser”: Fuck Tim Howard.
“Shakedown”: Press fast forward.
“Shame On the Moon”: Boring sex but it’s with a werewolf.
“Katmandu”: Sex on a mountain! It helps if you stutter endearingly at climax.
“Little Drummer Boy”: Do it by the Christmas tree with somebody you had a crush on in high school but now you’re old and sad but it’s nice.
“Wait For Me”: Go down on somebody who takes awhile. Do jaw exercises ahead of time. Consider it a mitzvah.
“Hey Hey Hey (Going Back to Birmingham)”: Have sex while yelling, “Hey hey hey!” and wearing a Roll Tide t-shirt.
“Downtown Train”: Have sexual relations on the A, C, or E train headed toward Brooklyn. If weekend service on the tracks requires a switch, it’s fine to do it on the 1.