Scream Queens: What a Rip Off!

fox scream queens

Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where all the coincidences are contrived and motives are flimsier than tissue paper.

Grace and Zayday are making a pit stop at the gas station to pick up some snacks as they discuss the Red Devil Mystery. Grace now feels guilty for accusing Pete of being the murderer even though she did have a plethora of evidence pointing to him. But since she’s still alive, perhaps Pete isn’t the killer after all! Or he could, you know, be biding his time. But Ryan Murphy wants to pair these two crazy kids together and who are we to stop him?

Meanwhile, Chanel is freaking out that #2’s body is missing from the freezer. #5 could care less; she’s over being the sorority girl in a horror movie tv show and tells Chanel that she will have to play Nancy Drew by herself. I just noticed the huge meat slab hanging in the background. Since these sorority girls don’t seem to eat, maybe the killer skinned #2 and is hiding her in plain sight?

1

Mystery solved!

Back at the KKT house, Zayday and Grace decide to snoop in #2’s room because they think…well, actually, we never got a reason why these Nancy Drews decided to start poking around that ridiculously plush white room. Security Guard Denise is also there, but unlike them, she actually has a motive: she was the only person in the world who noticed #2’s death tweet and took it seriously. The women find blood splatters on the carpet, but Zayday and Grace think #2 is still alive and just went back home. After all, her Instagram feed is still active.

“Are y’all crazy? There is a psycho killing people!” reminds Denise. “Is it too impossible to believe that another one of your sorority sisters was murdered?!”

2

Then again, they are Millennials and we know my generation is all, “I still post therefore I still am.”

The three decide to go to on a road trip and visit #2’s parents’ house to check up on her, but first they have to attend the college’s Take Back the Night rally, which is not about raising awareness about sexual assault. I’m sure the local feminist groups were very confused.

Dean Munsch attempts to assure students that there is no killer lurking around campus, but to narrow down the amount of people hanging around in red devil costumes, the school mascot has been changed to be a cutesy ice cream cone named Coney. At the rally, Chanel pleads with Chad to take her back, but Chad still thinks the KKT pledges are too ugly to associate with. “Pray all those donkey-faced Kappa pledges get murdered so you can be popular again,” he suggests.

Or they can all get makeovers like a certain film about “ugly” sorority sisters.

Grace, Zayday, and Denise get answers from #2’s parents and discover that not only did #2 have a drinking problem, but she was secretly dating Chad behind Chanel’s back. “If our daughter is missing, you have to find her!” pleads Mrs. Chanel #2. “You have to find her and make sure she never comes home again,” adds Mr. #2.

Uh, either way, wouldn’t that be a job for the police? Is there a police force in this universe or is it just one wise cracking Niecey Nash against the world?

Grace returns to campus and is horrified to find out that her father Wes is her film studies professor. She storms out of class, which is actually a good thing because Wes decided it would be appropriate to screen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre to a campus currently being terrorized by a serial killer. Nevertheless, Gigi gushes to Wes that he is a great professor. Dean Munsch catches the two talking and is displeased. She takes Gigi aside and tells her to back off Wes. To keep an eye on Gigi, Dean Munsch suggests they move into the Kappa house under the guise of watching the girls.

The Red Devil attacks Coney in his dorm room and saws through the costume, killing him. Damn. I guess the Red Devil does not take being replaced well.

7

RIP Coney,  we hardly knew ye.

Chanel catches Hester playing in her closet and finally realizes she can make her pledge class over. I’ve been yelling this for the last two episodes!

#3 takes Sam, the Predatory Lez, aside and reveals her dark secret: she’s the secret love child of Charles Manson. She worries that if people find out about her parentage, they will assume she is a killer as well. She asks Sam to be “alibuddies” — the two will be each other’s alibi when the next murder occurs. Sam agrees because that’s what the plot needs her to do.

Grace and Zayday report to the other Chanels about #2 sneaking around with Chad. However, #3 and #5 are nonplussed–they secretly dated Chad too. “We went on one date and he made me watch him play with his knife collection the whole time,” shrugs #5. Their conversation is interrupted when Chanel reveals Hester’s makeover and proclaims her to be the new Chanel #6. #5 is outraged and insists that pledges cannot be minions. “You have no respect for us or for the rules of this house!” she shouts. “You don’t deserve to be president.”

Chad calls a meeting of the Dickie Dollar Scholars and tells them how Boone was murdered by the Red Devil. The boys decide to ‘roid up and roam the streets to find the Red Devil and avenge Boone’s death. However, they choose to arm themselves with wooden baseball bats, which are useless again the chainsaws of the Red Devils.

8

“That’s not just a scratch, huh?”

Grace makes up with Pete and tells him she has a new theory: Chad Radwell is the killer! They just need to confirm that the baby born in the Kappa bathroom was a boy. Pete tells Grace that he tracked down a Kappa sister from the ’90s who might have the answer. They decide to go on a road trip to find her.

Do these people not have classes? Homework? Any responsibilities besides investigating a killer?

Denise catches Zayday and announces that she suspects Zayday is the killer. Most of her evidence is purely circumstantial until she pulls out the chainsaw she found under Zayday’s bed. Although Denise is dumb enough to believe Zayday’s lame excuse that she bought the chainsaw for self-defense, she is smart enough to know that there are two killers working together.

Wes has a date with Gigi at the Kappa house (with Dean Munsch third-wheeling, of course), and when he hears Grace isn’t in the house, he sets off the find her. With Wes gone, Gigi and Dean Munsch decide to turn in for the night, but Gigi decides to sleep in the living room because Dean Munsch’s white noise machine is too loud.

However, this is when the Red Devil strikes again! Wes arrives in time to help Gigi escape. Of course, he gets away, but the whole house has been awakened by the ruckus. However, Wes refuses to let Dean Munsch get close to them.

“You’re not taking another step until the police get here,” he says. “You’re the killer!”

Dude, it’s just the third episode. Way to early to j’accuse.

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Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Scream Queens

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