Scream Queens: The hand that rocks the hospital

Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where great talent goes wasted. As you know, I am tired of recapping this show and am handing the reins over to the one person who loves this show: Chanel Oberlin herself. The Agony Booth is not responsible for any of the mean and hurtful things she says. Take it away, Chanel!

Dr. Holt is super bummed because thanks to Zayday: Amateur Detective, everyone at the hospital thinks he’s the Green Meanie on the account of his murderous hand. To top it off, Dr. Holt is is stressed out and sleep deprived from being the only decent medical professional at C.U.R.E. (besides moi, of course) that the hand is starting to gain more control and will probably kill someone by the end of the episode.

Hopefully it’ll be #5.


Dr. Holt tries to relieve his stress by arranging a romantic dinner/boinkfest with me but the hand pulls a knife on me when I try to ask Dr. Holt how old he is. Okay, okay: you’re insecure about aging, but there’s no need to pull out weapons! I am too young and hot to be handling a man’s fragile ego for him so I dump Dr. Holt.

And to think I wore my best scraps from JoAnne's Fabrics for this date!

And to think I wore my best scraps from JoAnne’s Fabrics for this date!

The C.U.R.E.’s Patient of the Week is a lady with two sets of hands and legs leftover from a twin she absorbed in the womb that she wants removed. Dean Munsch wants Dr. Holt to do the surgery, but he worries that the evil hand won’t let him.

Meanwhile, #3 conduct a psychiatric evaluation on Dr. Cascade to get to the root of of his “I am a hot zombie” delusion. With help from the best psychiatric sources available AKA Cosmo magazine, #3 determines that Dr. Cascade’s celebrity spirit animal is Scarlet Johannson (mine is myself, naturally) and his “I am undead” thing was all in his head. Privately, #3 reveals to #5 that Dr. Cascade’s tests indicate that he is a psychopath and he is most likely the Green Meanie. #5 urges #3 to turn Dr. Cascade into the police so she can stop getting attacked all the time.

God, this girl is so selfish. #3 just found out that the love of her life is a murderer and all #5 can think about is herself.

In the operating room, Dr. Holt tries to amputate his evil hand. but then a Green Meanie attacks him! The Evil Hand protects Dr. Holt and fights off the Green Meanie for him. It also starts telepathically communicating with him in a Brooklyn accent.


Is it a Brooklyn accent? I wouldn’t know. Any time I visited New York, it’s never been below 59th street.

#3 and Dr. Cascade deal with their patient of the week, a guy who can seriously benefit from the Proactiv 3-step system. Dr. Cascade theorizes that Warty Guy is being poisoned and his girlfriend vows to stay by his side no matter what. They are both super ugly so they really don’t have any options.

#3 somehow sees a parallel between this couple and herself and Dr. Cascade. I personally don’t get it since they are both hot and the other couple is not but #3 thinks the girlfriend’s devotion means she should stand by Dr. Cascade even if there’s a chance he could kill her.

Luckily, Dr. Cascade is also in love with #3 but Nurse Hoffel threatens to turn him into the police if he doesn’t kill us Chanels.


God, Nurse Hoffel really is awful.

It turns out that Warty Guy was poisoning himself to get away from his girlfriend, which bums #3 and Dr. Cascade about their potential romance. If those too uggos couldn’t make it work, what hope is there for hot people?

It looks like Dr. Holt and I will have to set an example. Dr. Holt explained about being stressed out and how the hand is gaining control and how he’s totally devoted to boning me and only me. So I take him back because he’s the only eligible candidate for a boyfriend around here and he’s super hot and who doesn’t want to say they’ve boned John Stamos?

Communists, that’s who.

But evil Dean Munsch keeps overloading poor Dr. Holt with stress. She still wants him to perform that super complicated surgery and to top it off, invited a nosy journalist to do a profile on him. Dr. Holt accuses Dean Munsch of punishing him because he chose me over her and she admits that if he won’t screw her, she will screw him. Dr. Holt gets angry and the Hand chokes her.

I am fully supportive of my boyfriend and his evil hand.

Let the record show that I am fully supportive of my boyfriend and his evil hand.

Before the twin removal surgery, the patient needs a heart transplant. Conveniently, the Green Meanie strangles one of the Chanel minions–the new ones, not the important ones–and Dean Munsch decides to use that Chanel’s heart before anyone figures out the Green Meanie killed at the hospital again.

Dr. Holt decides that he will perform the surgery with one hand behind his back to prove that he can control his murderous hand. He breaks down midway but I give him a pep talk and tell him that it’s okay to be vulnerable. The Chanels and I sing 99 Red Balloons because it was his favorite song from his childhood–wait, how old exactly is Dr. Holt?–and he calms down enough to successfully perform the surgery.

Also, how great does my hair look underneath this surgical cap?

Also, how great does my hair look underneath this surgical cap?

After the surgery, #3 and Dr. Cascade tell each other that they still love each other and he promises that he will never kill her or us Chanels. He does tell her that there’s another Green Meanie but can’t say who.

Dr. Cascade offers to perform hand transplant on Dr. Holt to get rid of his murderous hand and he accepts. But that night, after we boned, the hand writes on a notepad to “Kill Chanel.”

Why me?! I’m not the one performing the hand transplant.

Oh, and that nosy journalist keeps digging around and calls his editor to report all the ethical scandals at the hospital but the Green Meanie kills him mid-sentence. I don’t think that’s going to stop another nosy journalist from coming down.

Who’s the Killer?

  1. Dean Munsch – It can’t be a coincidence that the Green Meanie killed a Chanel minion for her heart right after Dean Munsch found out the Patient of the Week needed a heart transplant.
  2. #5 –  Who else is dumb enough to kill a journalist in mid-sentence when he’s talking to his editor about shady stuff going on at C.U.R.E.?

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Scream Queens

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