May 24, 2018
Scream Queens: The Final Girl Finale
Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens where all the “twists” and “turns” have resulted in absolutely no payoff.
This was a two part finale but since absolutely nothing decent happened in either, I will be combining the recaps for both episodes into one.
No, Seriously: Whodunnit?
We pick up from Pete’s shocking reveal last episode where he admitted to being a murderer. Grace is horrified (and probably secretly pleased that she had Pete pegged as a murderer from the start). He explains that he saw Boone killing the security guard Shondell and followed him back to the Dickie Dollar Scholar house. Pete was about to turn Boone in until Boone gave his whole tragic backstory about being the baby in the bathtub and how Kappa was totally evil, which made Pete realize that they both had the same mission to take down Kappa. Albeit, Boone’s plan was a little more bloody.
Pete admits that he was the one who killed Roger at the sorority slumber party, killed Boone to slow down the Red Devils, and attempted to kill Chanel in the mall. He tries to convince Grace that getting rid of evil Kappa girls and evil Dickie Dollar Scholars is for the greater good and reminds her that she once said in a flashback that maybe the Red Devil had the right idea. He also quotes Nietzche, but Grace is not convinced.
Pete adds that he knows who the other killer is–it’s one of her Kappa sisters. Before he can actually say the name, the Red Devil jumps out of Pete’s closet and stabs him to death. Grace attempts to unmask the Devil but fails and gets knocked out.
Meanwhile at Kappa house, the girls read Chanel’s nasty email where she rages at them for not showing up to the pool to help Chanel murder Dean Munsch. The email gets leaked and Chanel is blasted in national news for being a mean, deranged sorority girl (Wait, didn’t I hear this news story before?). That’s it. Everyone freaks out that Chanel told her sorority sisters that they should get sterilized but no one bats an eye at how the Kappa girls admitted conspiracy to murder, which is punishable to life in prison in the real world where laws matter.
Chanel is depressed and decides to kill herself but (un)fortunately, Zayday convinces her to carry on and try to become a better person. They are interrupted when a Red Devil attempts to kill them but Zayday unmasks him to reveal it’s an ordinary pizza deliveryman. He reveals that the real Red Devil planted a bomb on him, which is set to detonate if he doesn’t kill the girls. Hester pipes up that she saw a strange veiled figure on the Kappa grounds earlier and Chanel realizes that the Red Devil must be Melanie Dorkus, the previous Kappa president who was disfigured in a spray tanning accident. However, the timer counts down and the girls rush to get away from the helpless deliveryman.
Yes, we are perfectly safe less than 30 feet away from the bomb. *sarcasm*
Chanel announces that instead of turning Melanie into the nonexistent police force, Chanel will publicly apologize to her. Yep, that’s right. Chanel believes that Melanie is stalking the campus as revenge for being disfigured so if Chanel makes amends, the killings will stop. Plus, the apology might convince the public that Chanel isn’t a deranged sorority girl after all. The Chanels (minus #5 who goes to meet a Tinder date) head to Melanie’s mansion.
Meanwhile, Grace convinces her father to seduce Dean Munsch and distract her while Grace and Zayday go through Dean Munsch’s laptop to investigate the school records of the Chanels. They notice that one of the records is completely faked and rush to find the Chanels. They track the Chanels to Melanie’s mansion where Chanel has completely forgotten her plan about publicly apologizing and is attempting to stab Melanie. Luckily, Grace and Zayday burst in before anyone is seriously injured (Let’s not worry too hard about how they figured out where the Chanels were!) to announce that they know who the real killer is–it’s Hester!
The girls head back to the Kappa house to confront Hester, but she has been attacked by the Red Devil! The Red Devil stabbed her in the eye with a stiletto but she is still alive. As the ambulance hauls her out, Hester accuses #5 of being the Red Devil.
How to Get Away With Serial Murdering
The second part of the finale starts off with a flash forward one year into the future. Zayday is now Kappa president, Grace is vice president, Hester is the treasurer, and Kappa is now the rah-rah sisterhood utopia Grace has always dreamed of. Hester gives us a rundown on everyone’s new lives–Dean Munsch wrote a best-selling book on feminism, Chad started a charity in honor of his murdered Dickie Dollar Scholar bros, Denise Hemphill got recruited to the FBI–and explains how she got away with killing everyone as the Red Devil and pinning the blame on the Chanels.
Strap yourselves in, this is going to be a whole lot of exposition.
I figured out that Hester was the killer when Pete revealed that the other Red Devil was a Kappa sister, in addition to being Boone’s twin sister. No, I didn’t pick up any clues or anything like that. I just figured it has to be Hester since she’s the only brunnette in the cast who could plausibly pass for Nick Jonas’ sibling.
I mean, they both got the same crazy look in their eyes.
Back in the present, Denise Hemphill arrives to Kappa house to inform everyone that Boone is dead. Zayday and Grace attempt to convince her that Hester is the killer but Hester returns to Kappa house after her eye surgery and insists the Chanels are the true culprits. How does Hester convince everyone of this?Let’s go through her plan.
Step One: Assure everyone that she totally has parents and thus cannot be the orphaned baby in the bathtub
Hester secretly hired two actors to come into the Kappa house and pretend to be her parents. The fake Ulrichs swear that Hester is their biological daughter.
Step Two: Convince the girls that someone else is said orphaned baby in the bathtub
Hester secretly bribed #5’s parents to come to Kappa house and announce that their daughter was actually adopted. #5’s parents are only too happy to go along with this plan because they secretly hate #5 and were looking for a good excuse to disown her.
Her terrible taste in clothing was not reason enough.
Step Three: Implicate the other Chanels
Hester reveals #3’s Manson heritage and shows everyone that letters #3 wrote to her father. She selects a particularly incriminating one where Charles Manson advises #3 to kill her sorority sisters by strapping a bomb onto a pizza deliveryman. #3 swears she didn’t kill anyone and Hester acknowledges that is true–but #3’s split personality did! Yep, Hester shows everyone a probably forged letter from a psychiatrist who claims to have been treating #3 for split personality disorder and claims that #3 never remembers anything her split personality did.
Hester also implicates Chanel in the murders but doesn’t have to resort to random speculation or circumstantial evidence. She reminds everyone that Chanel hated the new Kappa pledges and took advantage of the Red Devil murders to off the ones she didn’t like. Strangely, Hester does not remind everyone about the time Chanel tried to kill her over Chad’s affection, which actually would cast enough suspicion on Chanel.
Anyway, Denise Hemphill arrests all the Chanels based on Hester’s monologuing.
Step Four: Sit Back and Enjoy Your Success
In the future, Hester cleans the memorial dedicated to the fallen Kappa sisters and Dickie Dollar Scholars. Dean Munsch approaches her and informs Hester that she knows Hester is the real killer. Hester shoots back that she knows Dean Munsch covered up the Kappa bathtub births and killed her ex-husband. She offers to keep quiet if Dean Munsch does.
“You got a deal, kid.”
At the Chanels’ trial, the girls are about to be acquitted since there is no concrete evidence against them but when Chanel insists on a jury of her peers–AKA hot, rich, skinny white chicks–the jury secretly changes their verdict to “guilty”. The judge sentences the girls to life imprisonment in the local insane asylum. Instead of being devastated, the girls adjust to their new lives surprisingly well. They love the free drugs, they eat whatever they want since they don’t have to be skinny for boys, and #3 finally feels safe enough to come out as a lesbian.
But since a leopard can’t change its spots, the girls turn the asylum into a pseudo-sorority and proclaim themselves as the leaders. Guess Hester must have caught wind of that because she sneaks into the asylum dressed as the Red Devil and kills Chanel once and for all.
That’s it. Huh. I wonder if Scream: The TV Series was as unsatisfying as this.
When you support Happy Nice Time People on Patreon, 100% of your pledge goes straight to our writers.