Scream Queens: Momma Who Bore(d) Me
Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where the writers keep forgetting that Jamie Lee Curtis is awesome and that Grace is super dumb.
Grace meets with Dean Munsch to discuss what happened at the 90s Kappa Party as Dean Munsch promised, but Dean Munsch is all, “Well…American Horror Story is still beating us in the ratings so I’m going to hold off on that reveal for another week.” Frustrated, Grace tells Dean Munsch that she is selfish and won’t care about solving the Red Devil murders until they try to attack her.
And whaddayaknow? The Red Devil(s) attempts to attack Dean Munsch while she is in the shower a la Psycho —
— but unlike the other people in this universe, Dean Munsch is actually genre savvy (thanks, mom!) and knew that’s exactly where the killers would try to attack her so she came prepared. Despite being ambushed by two Red Devils and one particularly murderous Justice Scalia, Dean Munsch is able to fight all three of them off to the point where the three choose to calmly leave her house in defeat.
They just got their asses handed to them by the lady who hawks yogurt to make you poop.
The only thing that irritates me about this scene, besides Dean Munsch’s oddly convenient (yet awesome) martial arts skills, is the fact that she never takes the opportunity to unmask the Red Devils so we can solve this mystery once and for all. Instead, we have to join the Chanels and their wild goose chase attempting to prove that Zayday and Grace are the killers. Chanel is frustrated with her minions’ half-baked ideas and sighs, “If you want something done right, you have to pay someone a huge amount of money to do it for you.”
#3 takes this to heart and offers to bribe Denise Hemphill, who has now moved into the Kappa House, if she can prove Zayday is the killer. Denise already has her suspicions about Zayday and is all too happy to get paid for them. Meanwhile, Grace meets with Dean Munsch, who decides that they can’t wait for next week to try to get a bump in the ratings and agrees to spill some beans about the Kappa House. Dean Munsch explains that since their state doesn’t have a statute of limitations on homicide, she was reluctant to give up any information about the Kappa House, especially since she covered up the pledge’s death. She gives Grace the name of the girl who died–Sophie Doyle–and the clue that a Kappa girl raised the baby. Grace is disappointed because she was sure her mother was the one who died giving birth in the Kappa house. Annoyed, Dean Munsch tells Grace to shut up about her damn mom because we all know it’s a red herring in the murder mystery and no one cares.
“Is it Freaky Friday? Because I can’t believe my dean is being so mean today.”
At the Kappa House, Denise asks Jennifer the Candle Vlogger about Zayday. Jennifer remembers a story Zayday told her about how after Zayday got made fun of by the rich girls at high school, she vowed to get “real revenge” on spoiled, entitled girls everywhere. Zayday interrupts, revealing that she has been eavesdropping on their conversation. She tells Denise to stop harassing her and scolds Jennifer for trash talking about her before stomping off. Later, the Red Devil kills Jennifer as she vlogs. Bad for Jennifer, but good for Denise, who might finally have a motive and opportunity to pin on Zayday.
Meanwhile, Grace and Pete investigate the Hag of Shady Lane and go to the local insane asylum to see if she was ever committed there. One of the residents has a portrait of a woman who looks like Gigi holding two babies–a boy and a girl. This confirms Grace’s theory that Gigi was the hag and that Grace is the Kappa baby. However, I am not so convinced. The flashbacks only show one baby was born, and unless they did a post-mortem C-section, I’m not entirely sure how the second baby came about.
Anyway, news of Jennifer’s death hits the campus, and Dean Munsch announces that the campus will finally be shut down. And there will be a candlelight vigil in Jennifer’s honor.
Bye, bye, Jennifer. You’re 5,000 candles in the wind.
Is a girl really popular if there is no campus to love/hate her? Chanel is upset that the campus is being shut down because now she has no admirers. She hires two detectives from Scotland Yard to investigate Zayday and Grace, but ignores their suggestions that #5 is the most likely to commit a murder in favor of focusing on the file they found on Grace’s mother’s criminal record. “This proves Grace is the killer!” exclaims Chanel.
Like Chanel, Grace has no understanding of how “evidence” truly works. Just because you have some circumstantial evidence, it doesn’t mean you have a real case. She confronts Gigi with insane woman’s painting, and Gigi (rightfully) points out that this can all be explained as a coincidence. Grace realizes this is true but keeps pointing accusatory fingers at Gigi anyway. God, why can’t Grace ever wait until she has real, concrete evidence before coming to conclusions about anything? Plus, why does she insist on confronting the people she thinks are killers right to their faces? Gigi condescendingly tells Grace that she needs to stop acting jealous of Gigi’s relationship with Wes because Gig and Wes are officially engaged. Wait, when did this happen?
Grace wants to know the same thing, and she confronts her dad about his engagement. Wes shrugs that Gigi just came home one day with an engagement ring, and he decided to play along as to not hurt her feelings. Grace pleads with her dad not to marry Gigi, and he tells her that it’s time she accepted that he is going to date other people. Annoyed, Grace storms off back to Kappa House where Chanel is smugly waiting. She reveals that Grace’s mother was not the pledge that died in the ’90s. Instead, she was the Kappa president who got pregnant after the Kappa baby was born. Most likely guilt-ridden over her part in covering up the death, Grace’s mother descended into addiction and died in a drunk driving accident.
Chanel calls Grace’s mother “a dumb, degenerate slut,” and outraged, Grace slaps her before going upstairs to cry. I don’t know what Grace is more upset about–the fact that her mother was not the person she thought she was or the fact that she has terrible sleuthing skills.
“It’s more of the latter than the former, if you must know.”
Denise overheard Chanel’s brutal takedown of Grace’s mother and orders her to apologize and be nicer to the Kappa girls or else Denise will steal Chad away from Chanel. Grace, meanwhile, has gone back to confront her father (again!) about this new information, and he tells her that he lied to protect her. Grace is not satisfied with that answer and tells her father that he can’t protect her from whom she truly is. “I am my mother’s daughter,” she says. “If you want to protect yourself, you should stay away from me.”
What does that even mean? Grace, just because your mom was a mean sorority girl, it’s doesn’t mean that you’re…whatever you think you are. Whatever, I don’t care about Grace’s mommy angst anymore. Wes tells Gigi about the fight, and Gigi gently suggests that since Grace is so unstable, maybe they should commit her to a mental institution…
Looks like Gigi’s plan to get rid of Grace is underway, but unfortunately for Gigi, the other Red Devils want her out of the picture too. A disguised Boone calls the unknown second Red Devil and complains how Gigi “has to go” so that “we can finish what we started.”