Apr 16, 2017
Scream Queens: Looking For Zayday... And Logic
Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where everyone is useless and all the wink-wink nudge-nudges at their uselessness doesn’t make up for the frustrating plot.
Chanel is unbothered that Zayday has gone missing after her haunted house fundraiser — now is the perfect time for her to plan her rival pumpkin patch party. After berating her minions, Chanel reveals their coordinated Halloween costumes: wives of fallen presidents. Chanel gets to be the glamorous Jackie Kennedy while the other three are forced into homely period wear. #5 protests, and I don’t blame her. They’re sorority girls, for God’s sake. Shouldn’t they be arguing about which slutty animal they should dress up as or what racist Halloween costume is least likely to get them into the news? #5 swears that she is done being a minion, and Chanel points out that she says this once an episode and they’re not even halfway through the season. #5 decides to finally leave Kappa house and do her bitching elsewhere.
However, #5 is still at the meeting Dean Munsch calls between Kappa House and the Dickie Dollar Scholars, the two houses who seem to be the biggest targets for the Red Devil. Dean Munsch announces that she is instituting an official curfew, much to the protests of the students. Sure, they’re all targets for a crazed murderer, but they don’t want to go home early when college Halloween parties are right around the corner! Chanel is determined to make her pumpkin patch party a success and decides to violate the curfew anyway.
Meanwhile, #5 pouts as she bakes cookies, and Hester suggests that the two team up to take Chanel down. They approach Jennifer, the weird candle vlogger, and tell her their plan: if they get Zayday elected, Hester will be vice president and help #5 and Jennifer get prominent positions in the house. “This plans involves a lot of circuitous logic,” says Jennifer doubtfully, and I agree. First of all, Zayday is still missing so how can the plan move forward if they don’t even know if she’s alive? #5 and Hester wave this logic away and tell Jennifer about how Chanel tosses away expensive candles, which makes Jennifer agree to their plan of revenge.
“You’ve distracted me from logic this time, Ryan Murphy.”
A police officer interrupts class to arrest Chanel for the murder of Ms. Beene, most likely tipped off by the Chanels and Jennifer. With her absence, Grace tries to convince the other Kappas to organize a search party for Zayday, but they are all indifferent. “Don’t you think a girl who wants to be president of this house should prove her abilities by escaping the lair of a psychopath on her own?” asks Hester, which is a total 180 from her “Let’s get Zayday elected!” stance one scene earlier. #3 proclaims that she is in charge and doesn’t want to violate curfew looking for Zayday.
Even though Grace was mad at her dad and accusing him of lying about her identity one episode earlier, she and Pete head to his apartment to get his help for the search party. Grace is momentarily embarrassed when she catches Wes and Gigi having sex to ’90s music, but everyone quickly gets over it to head to Dean Munsch’s office together.
Meanwhile, Chanel is adjusting surprisingly well to prison life despite being a racist, bitchy blonde girl. It turns out one of the inmates follows Chanel on Instagram and loves her Chanel-o-ween gifts. She promises to protect Chanel while she is in prison, and Chanel is grateful that her adjustment to prison life is going more smoothly than the first episodes of Orange Is the New Black.
“Prison is not that bad. I don’t know what Piper is always complaining about.”
Ryan Murphy must have remembered he’s only supposed to be ripping off horror films, not successful Netflix adaptations about prison memoirs, so he has Chanel’s bail conveniently posted by #3. Wait, what? Wasn’t #3 one of the snitches that put Chanel in prison in the first place? Isn’t #3 happy being in charge of Kappa? Why isn’t Chanel mad at #3 for being a snitch? I have all these questions, but Ryan Murphy wants to keep the plot going.
Denise Hemphill and Dean Munsch are gossiping about how they are now Eskimo sisters, thanks to Chad Radwell, when Grace and Co. barge into her office demanding that Dean Munsch organize a search party for Zayday. Dean Munsch explains that Denise Hemphill is leading the search for Zayday so they have nothing to worry about. Grace points out that Denise already thinks Zayday is the killer so she obviously won’t put too much effort into the search party and decides to look for Zayday herself. Dean Munsch notices Gigi and Wes acting couple-y and gets jealous.
Chanel returns to the Kappa house and informs #5 that she knows about her betrayal. It turns out #5 should have known better than to trust a self-proclaimed double crosser: Hester was the one who told Chanel that #5 snitched although I’m not sure why Chanel isn’t as furious at the other Chanels for betraying her as well. Chanel orders #5 to go set up for the pumpkin patch party and threatens to blackmail #5 with embarrassing footage if she doesn’t.
Meanwhile, the search party for Zayday finally commences. Grace has the bright idea to track Zayday’s cellphone, and luckily for them, Zayday still had it on her when she was kidnapped. Wes tries to take Grace aside to have a heart to heart about him dating again, but thankfully Denise Hemphill yells at them and reminds them that “this is not Family Feud” so instead of standing around and talking about their feelings, they should hurry up and try to find Zayday.
Bless Niecey Nash.
#5 shows up at the pumpkin patch with her boyfriends to light the candles as Chanel ordered, and of course the Red Devil is there. He chases them into the maze, which is an exact replica from the one in The Shining. In addition to the maze reference, #5 points out that they should walk backward so the killer can’t trace their footsteps. However their genre savviness isn’t enough to save them. The three get separated, and one brother is killed while #5 and the other make a break for it.
The search party tracks Zayday’s phone to a creepy cellar and agree to split up. “If anyone screams, I will come a-running,” promises Denise. Grace, Wes, and Pete find the Red Devil’s lair while Denise and Gigi find his weapons room. Neither Zayday nor the Red Devils are there. The lights go out in the weapons room, and one of the Red Devils circles Denise and Gigi with night vision googles. Even though they are outnumbered and don’t have the advantage of nightvision, Gigi tases the Devil overpowers him. Unfortunately, when Denise leaves Gigi to get the others, the Red Devil gets away. Grace expresses her admiration for Gigi and gives her blessing for Gigi and Wes to date. Wes calls the police as Denise points out that her theory that Zayday is the Red Devil is still viable.
Except it isn’t.
Zayday shows up at the Kappa house just in time for the hasty election Chanel is organizing in a desperate attempt to secure her presidency. Everyone wants to hear her story, and Zayday is happy to oblige: The Red Devil kept her in the pit, but instead of torturing her, he gave her nice presents and even brought her out of the pit to enjoy a romantic dinner with him. That’s when Zayday took her chance to escape. Sam points out that they should call the police and give them all of this information, but Chanel insists that they stick to the important topic on hand: the election.
No, not the enjoyable 1999 film. Unfortunately.
Grace arrives and tells the other girls that Zayday’s story is true. Now that all the members of the house are present, the election can finally begin.
Gigi walks home at night, and the Red Devil follows her. However, he’s not stalking her — he’s meeting her. “That got way out of hand back there,” says Gigi. “He’s got to go.” The Red Devil nods and disappears.
When you support Happy Nice Time People on Patreon, 100% of your pledge goes straight to our writers.