May 12, 2018
Scream Queens: It's All Fun & Games Until Someone Loses Their Head
Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where the plot holes don’t matter and everyone is surprisingly down with murder.
It’s 1995, and there is a bitchin’ rager at the Kappa Kappa Tau house. Unfortunately for the sorority sisters, their good time is interrupted when a pledge gives birth in the bathtub upstairs. “I didn’t know I was pregnant,” explains the pledge. “I just thought it was the freshman fifteen.”
The sisters are all upset; this whole “miracle of life” thing is super inconvenient to their partying. “I’m not missing ‘Waterfalls’ for this,” says one. “‘Waterfalls’ is my jam!” The sisters agree to go downstairs and finish the song before getting medical attention for the poor pledge.
Totally understandable, girls. “Waterfalls” is my jam too.
Of course, the poor post-partum girl dies while they are away, and the sisters have to figure out what to do with the body and the baby. “What are we going to do?” one of them asks.
In present day, Chanel Oberlin starts her day with help from her minions Chanel #2 , Chanel #3 , and Chanel #5. She is informed by the house maid, Ms. Bean, that the Dean wants to see her. Dean Cathy Munsch, who hates the KTT sorority, informs Chanel that she will be revoking Kappa’s charter.
However, Gigi Caldwell, the national president of KKT, bursts into the office to inform Dean Munsch that she can’t do that.
What, does she go around the college campuses and listen at doors to see if KTT charters are about to be taken away?
Anyway, Gigi points out the charter can’t be revoked without approval from the board of trustees, and since Chanel’s father is the biggest donor to the university, that will not happen. However, Dean Munsch insists that there will be changes to KTT this year.
Meanwhile, freshman Grace Gardner moves into her dorm with help from her dad, Wes. Wes is having a hard time letting his daughter go since it’s been the two of them since Grace’s mother died. He asks Grace not to pledge a sorority, but since Grace’s mother was in KTT, Grace hopes pledging will make her feel closer to her mom. She ropes her roommate/future black best friend Zayday Williams into pledging too.
On her way to the rush party at KTT, Grace notices a person in a red devil costume watching her from afar. She attempts to chase the person down, but they disappear. At the party, Dean Munsch announces that for the year, Kappa will accept anyone who wants to pledge. This turns off most of the girls (what’s the point of joining the most exclusive sorority on campus if it’s not exclusive anymore?) so now the KTT pledge class consists of Grace, Zayday,
Rachel Berry Hester Ulrich, and minor characters Deaf Taylor Swift, Predatory Lez (who I hope stays on because she is hilarious), and Candle Vlogger Jennifer.
Chanel meets with her on-off boyfriend Chad Radwell, who informs her that he cannot be associated with KTT now that they have “fatties and weirdoes” in their pledge class. Since Chanel has never seen The House Bunny or any movie with a makeover sequence, she decides she must scare the pledges off.
Seriously, she could just follow the plot of The House Bunny. Look, they even have a backbrace girl too!
She takes Ms. Bean to the local coffee shop where she reveals her plan: she will dunk Ms. Bean’s head in the oil of the deep fryer in the kitchen and pretend to burn her face, which will scare off the pledges. Grace is also at the coffee shop and she takes pity on the barista, Pete, who has to handle Chanel’s demanding pumpkin spice latte order. “I just want a regular coffee,” she tells him and Peter instantly falls in love. Grace isn’t a regular white girl, she’s a cool white girl, mmkay?
Grace reveals she is planning on pledging at KTT, and Pete warns her not to. He tells her that he is an investigative reporter and is writing a story about the evil in the house. Chanel overhears their conversation and tells Grace not to believe anything Pete says — he used to be obsessed with Chanel and stalked her last year. Pete counters that Chanel deliberately led him on for her amusement. Shockingly, Grace can’t decide between the bitchy sorority girl or the nice barista so she just tells Pete she can handle herself.
At the KTT house, Chanel feels disrespected by Ms. Bean so she deviates from the plan and fully dunks Ms. Bean’s head in the fryer. However, someone turned the fryer on so Ms. Bean actually dies. But hey, at least the pledges were really scared! Chanel bribes the girls with promises of cool boyfriends and spring break trips if they keep their mouths shut and help her hide the body in the meat locker.
I told you everyone is surprisingly down with murder.
I know I should be horrified that this poor woman died, but seriously, why does this sorority, the one obsessed with looks and everything, have a deep fryer in their kitchen? Are they masochists?
The next night, Grace confides in Pete about the murder and offers to help him with his investigation to expose the evil at KTT. The two go to check on the body, but so do Chanel and Chad. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the body is gone!
Chanel informs the minions about what happened, and Chanel #2 decides that things are way out of control and decides to go home. The Red Devil appears in her room as she packs and sends her a text message telling her that he is going to kill her. “Wait, whaaaaat?” she texts back.
The Red Devil stabs #2 to death, but with her last remaining strength #2…tweets to her followers that she’s being murdered.
The Chanels find #2’s body but decide to leave it alone to focus on their Hell Week hazing. Grace protests the hazing so Chanel takes her aside privately to make an offer–Grace can be Chanel #6 if she shuts up and stay in line. “Really? That’s what you have to offer? Kind of lame,” says Grace and the audience at home. She skips out on the hazing, but the other pledges aren’t as lucky.
They still have to be buried up to their necks in the garden for the night. While they are alone, the Red Devil appears riding a lawn mower, and let’s just say he’s not there to trim the grass. He runs over Deaf Taylor Swift as the pledges scream their…well, you know…off.
I didn’t mean to make that joke, I swear.
Scream Count: 24
“We have a side boob mixer and followed by a white party. Everyone is encouraged to wear slash be white.” –Gigi Caldwell
“I’m not saying that all heterosexual sex is rape. I’m saying all heterosexual sex is gross. And deep down, every woman knows this.” –Predatory Lez
“You’re so confident without being mean. What anti-depressants are you on?” –Chanel Oberlin
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