May 1, 2020
Scream Queens: Chanel's Blue (Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die)
Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where awkwardly shoehorned pop culture references are considered clever writing.
To appropriately mourn the loss of her fiance, Chanel has changed into a Jackie Kennedy-esque pink suit as she sobs over his body at the hospital morgue. Chanel explains that in her grief, she ran across the street to put on her Jackie Kennedy outfit because Chad’s passing is a major event in national history and thus required an appropriate outfit from his grieving widow.
Look, writers: just because you can make a pop culture reference, doesn’t mean you should.
The C.U.R.E. staff gathers round to comfort Chanel, but Dean Munsch immediately suggests that they cover Chad’s body and try to find the killer as soon as possible. Chanel wails dramatically about Chad’s death once more, causing #5 to snap that everyone saw Chad die, so there’s no need to keep screaming about it.
Unfortunately, the name of the show is “Scream Queens”, and Chanel brutally blasts #5 for daring to distract everyone from Chanel’s very public display of grief. During her monologue, Chanel reveals that stress about Chad’s death has caused her to pee in potted plants randomly. I guess that’s supposed to be funny?
Denise Hemphill announces that they’ll follow FBI protocol (for once! Actual police procedures will be followed!), and she’ll examine the body alone. Once everyone leaves, Denise reveals that this is actually against FBI protocol, but she wanted to mourn privately and check to see if rigor mortis really does stiffen, uh, certain body parts.
Thankfully, before any onscreen necrophilia can occur, Denise reminisces about the sexy movie-inspired role-play that she and Chad used to do: Brokeback Mountain was one of their favorites.
Denise vows to find Chad’s killer, and decides that her Halloween costume will be Mrs. Chad Radwell, in honor of his death.
She joins Dean Munsch to visit Hester, who’s been moved to the basement of the C.U.R.E. institute. Hester warns of a Halloween massacre, and suggests a staff Halloween party to draw the killer out. She’ll help identify the killer… if she gets to go to the party too. Aw, it’s like Cinderella wanting to go to the ball, except Cinderella is a deranged psychopath who will probably use her freedom at the ball to finish everyone she hates. Of course, Dean Munsch denies the request and heads off to the reading of Chad’s last will and testament.
The lawyer announces that Chad’s will, which was suspiciously updated on the day he died, states that all of his fortune will go to Dean Munsch and the C.U.R.E. institute. Chanel, predictably, is furious. Thankfully, instead of screeching another rapid-fire monologue about the unfairness of it all, she punches out the lawyer. We all grieve in our own ways.
To cheer herself up, Chanel conducts another year of Chanel-o-ween. If you don’t remember, Chanel-o-Ween is when Chanel sends horrible presents to her devoted social media followers. Even though the gifts consist of medical waste and body pus, Chanel’s followers are grateful for the attention from Chanel. However, this isn’t enough to cheer Chanel up. She develops a strange red rash and Dr. Holt prescribes her a dose of silver to cure it. Instead, the medicine causes Chanel’s skin to turn blue.
At the hospital, Denise Hemphill is decorating for Halloween when the lights unexpectedly go out. The Green Meanie strikes, but Denise is able to dodge his knife. She pulls out her gun and shoots, but conveniently misses, and the Green Meanie is able to flee. For an ace FBI agent who has training from both Quantico and Quantico the TV show, Denise is a terrible shot.
Privately, Denise brokers a deal with Hester: she can go to the Halloween party, but has to wear an ankle bracelet and a Jason Voorhees costume so Hester can be easily identifiable. The two get into an argument over whether Jason Voorhees or Michael Meyers is the more popular costume before Hester concedes that she’s never seen Halloween.
“Me neither,” admits Denise. “But I know Mike Meyers did it. It was the movie he did after Wayne’s World.” I will admit, that line actually made me laugh. I don’t know what it is about Niecy Nash, but she has the uncanny ability to polish the turd out of these shitty scripts.
Chanel is on the warpath after her permanent Smurfette transformation and accuses Dr. Holt of blue-ing her on purpose. Chanel also believes Dr. Holt killed Chad in a jealous rage, but Dr. Holt has an airtight alibi: he was having sex with Dean Munsch who was comforting him after his break up with Chanel. Chanel turns her anger onto Denise, who claims Chad once proposed to her. They decide to use a ouija board to ask Chad about his killer and, more importantly, which woman he loved more.
Chanel stomps around the empty, creepy part of the hospital and passes a mysterious figure dressed in an “Ivanka Trump” mask, who attacks her.
After Chanel flees, “Ivanka” turns out to be Hester, but #5 is believed to be the attacker since she was planning on going as Ivanka to the party. Chanel ends her “friendship” with #5, partly because she believes #5 is a killer and partly because #5 stole Chanel’s idea for the costume party. Chanel threatens to kill #5 if she goes to the staff party.
Although her new skin color determines that Chanel has to dress as Smurfette, Chanel’s costume is still pretty great. In fact, everyone’s costumes for the staff party are awesome: Zayday is Isis (the Egyptian goddess, not the terrorist group), #3 is the Grim Reaper, Dean Munsch is Hamilton, Denise is Daenerys Targaryen (So much for being Mrs. Chad Radwell), Dr. Cascade is Ryan Lochte, and Dr. Holt dressed up as the script of Batman vs Superman: a bloody mess.
“Ivanka” shows up at the party, but so does #5, although she dressed up as Ivana Trump. “I thought Ivana and Ivanka were the same person,” she explains.
Before anyone can find out who’s under the Ivanka mask, a dozen patients from a Halloween party gone bad arrive at C.U.R.E. complaining of hallucinations. Only one attendee is unaffected, explaining the symptoms started after a game of bobbing for apples. Dr. Holt believes it’s ergot poisoning and prescribes a risky medicine. Zayday is hesitant to go along with his plan and begs Dean Munsch for more time to figure out what’s wrong.
Meanwhile, Chanel and Denise use the ouija board to contact Chad from beyond the grave. He pulls a Swazye and possesses Denise’s body to communicate with Chanel. He tells Chanel that yes, he did love Denise more than her and yes, he did see who his killer is. But because it’s only episode 4, Chad obnoxiously draws out the suspense instead of just saying the name. Unfortunately, the seance gets interrupted by Zayday, who demands Chanel and Denise help with the patients.
#5 is sent to the empty party hospital for supplies and is stopped by Ivanka. Hester is prepared to kill #5, but the Green Meanie sneaks up from behind and stabs #5. Suspiciously, he lets Hester walk back to the ER unbothered. Game recognizes game, I guess.
Zayday, Denise, and Chanel interview the lone sober party goer, who remembers a person dressed in a green swamp costume switching the water at the party, and Zayday concludes that the party goers are suffering a mild overdose of a relatively harmless hallucinogen. Chanel remarks how the Green Meanie was stupid for not dosing the party with a stronger drug, and Zayday realizes it was a distraction.
Denise discovers a still alive #5, but the Green Meanie reappears. He attacks Denise with a defibrillator and she falls to the ground alongside #5, both presumably dead. RIP #5, Denise, and vagina dentata jokes. I’m going to miss the last one most of all.
Who’s the Killer?
- Pregnant Blonde Lady and/or her Grown Up Child – Considering the hospital’s legacy, they’re still the prime suspects.
- Nurse Hoffel – Again, she’s missing from this episode, so she doesn’t have an alibi.
- Someone from Season 1 That We Forgot – The Green Meanie didn’t try to kill Hester, which suggests the two might be in cahoots.
Scream count: 7 (It was actually 3, but Chanel’s shriek of rage when she found out she didn’t get Chad’s money was so intense that I upped the count.)