Scream Queens: A good minion is hard to find
Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where acknowledging terrible writing is somehow supposed to excuse terrible writing.
[Author’s note: I’ve been down in the dumps since the election and watching a Ryan Murphy project doesn’t help my mood so I have decided to turn these recaps over to the only person who enjoys watching this show: Chanel Oberlin herself. Please keep in mind that the Agony Booth is no way responsible for the mean, hurtful things she says. Take it away, Chanel!]
So even though it’s been like a couple weeks in real-world time, we’re picking up right where we left off at the C.U.R.E. Halloween party where Denise Hemphill was attacked by the Green Meanie. #5 also got stabbed but I really don’t care because that idiot hooker stole my Ivanka costume idea.
It’s appropriate the Green Meanie stabbed her in the back, really.
Anyway, I was the one who led everyone to the bodies because as #3 explains, I have a radar that detects when #5 is in pain. If Chanel #5 trips and falls in the forest and no one is there to mock her, doesn’t that make life meaningless?
So we’re all freaking out because Denise Hemphill is dead and if a Special FBI Agent can get whacked, then the rest of us are as seriously screwed. #5 whines how her back is hurting because of there’s a machete or something in it. Really, it’s so annoying how that girl tries to make everything about herself.
Dean Munsch is all, “We need to dump her body in the swamp or else we’ll get bad press” and we’re all pretty down with it except when we go back to the Halloween party, we discover the Green Meanie chopped up the rest of our patients who are all dressed as Hamilton.
Dean Munsch tells us Chanels to call the police and report the massacre but she takes Zayday to help her dump Denise’s body. Except they don’t dump it because Denise Hemphill is actually still alive. Instead of keeping her as a coma patient at the hospital, Dean Munsch makes Zayday store Denise in the cryogenic chamber Dean Munsch built for herself.
Personally, I was relieved to find out Denise Hemphill is still alive because that bitch would have gone straight to Heaven and had Chad all to herself for God knows how long. I mean, I could kill myself to get to Heaven to steal him right back but I want to live a long, full life with at least four ex-husbands. Rich ones, of course.
You will be all relieved to know that my skin went back to its flawless porcelain tone. Dr. Holt explains that I just need to pee out all the silver, but wonders who would have tried to poison me. There are so many candidates since so many people are jealous of how hot I am, but I suspect Dean Munsch. Dr. Holtz tries to assure me that even though he had mind-blowing sex with her, he still cares about me. I am still mourning Chad so I can’t be in a relationship right now, but Dr. Holt is definitely a good candidate for ex-husband #1.
You’d think that the C.U.R.E. would be shut down after we told the police about the Halloween massacre but we got so much publicity for being a medical hospital specializing in incurable diseases. We took in a lot of uggos and thankfully, the patient of the week has a face that doesn’t make me want to scratch my eyes out.
Anyway, this lady has a disease where she can’t land a single accent. Or is that she can’t stop talking in accents? We weren’t talking about me in this scene so I don’t really care, but #3, Dr. Cascade, and Dr. Holt are on the case.
Nurse Hoffel gives me and #3 some disgusting hospital chores–cleaning out bedpans and catheters, preparing enemas, and collecting semen samples from comatose patients. Normally, I’d dump everything on #5 and go get a mani-pedi but she’s on bed rest because of some back injury she’s probably faking.
“We have been genetically perfected for centuries of people ordering people around to be good at one thing: ordering people around,” I complain to #3. Then, I realize that’s it: we need to find new minions to boss around and do our (literal) dirty work. And we can sacrifice them to the Green Meanie, who has been shown to pick off the less hot, less interesting people first.
I mean, why else did he go for Denise?
Zayday thinks Chamberlain is the Blonde Pregnant Lady’s grown up son so she asks Dean Munsch about how she hired Chamberlain. Turns out, Chamberlain was never hired by the hospital! He just showed up in his little cart of lollipops and started handing them out to people. The C.U.R.E. apparently doesn’t have an HR to do anything so is it a wonder how a green-masked figure keeps coming in and killing people?
Zayday enlists #5 to help her track down the Blonde Pregnant Lady even though #5 is about as useful as the Yahoo! search engine.
To my dismay, the pickings for minions are slim. We have to resort to using the uggo patients in the ward and Tristan, our stalker. He started writing to us when we were in prison and sent us all this lesbian-themed fanfiction where all we did was have sex with each other, which I found horribly offensive.
Me and #3? Possibly. Me and #5? Not even if she got her vagina teeth removed.
Meanwhile, #3, Dr. Holt, and Dr. Cascade are trying to figure out what Accent Lady’s deal is except now they all can’t stop talking in terrible Irish accents. Oh, so when they do it, they are suffering from “foreign accent syndrome” but when I do it, I’m “offending the Irish”? Life makes no sense.
Hester corners me in the hospital and demands to be a Chanel again and I say yes because she’s got the mind of a killer who can help us avoid being murdered. Although Hester thinks we should knock off Tristan, #3 wants to keep him around so we agree to use one of the C.U.R.E. patients.
Hey, they knew there was a risk of being murdered if they came to our hospital.
Zayday and #5 track down Pregnant Blonde Lady, who believes Dr. Jerry O’Connell and his nurse murdered her husband and dumped the body. #5 is the worst sidekick ever but she proves useful when she notices that Pregnant Blonde Lady married a black guy, which means Chamberlain could be her son!
Zayday confronts Chamberlain for walking into C.U.R.E. and being a random candy striper, but he claims that he genuinely likes helping people for free so she shouldn’t suspect him of anything.
Dr. Holt finds a cure for Accent Lady and now he, #3, and Dr. Cascade have to watch a bunch of American-themed TV show to get rid of their own silly accents and everything is fine. Wow. I think Accent Lady is the first C.U.R.E. patient to get cured and survive. Is it a coincidence that the Green Meanie leaves the relatively hot patient alone? I don’t think so. Like I said, hot people die last so I’m going to live forever, bitches.
Dean Munsch tries to fire Nurse Hoffel for being awful, but Nurse Hoffel reveals that she secretly taped Dean Munsch talking about her incurable disease and threatens to tattle to the board of directors if Dean Munsch doesn’t give her job back. So unfortunately, that sad old hag will be sticking around for awhile but luckily, I have minions who will do my dirty work.
We hold a slumber party for our new minions. We give each other makeovers, paint our nails, and have a pillow fight. We send one of the C.U.R.E. patients in the creepy part of the hospital as bait for the Green Meanie by telling her that we hid an expensive present for her there. Tristan is a greedy little troll so he goes to take the present for himself and gets sliced and diced by the Green Meanie.
I was expecting Dean Munsch to blow a gasket when she found out that we did but really, she’s more mad that Hester is no longer in her cell. She doesn’t know what we let her out and we’re certainly not going to admit it any time soon.
Dean Munsch likes out bait idea so much that she pulled three more C.U.R.E. patients/randos to be our minions. #3 points out that next time, we need to send a trap to catch the Green Meanie instead of just letting him kill the uggos. Just right after we hired our next round of minions, the Green Meanie kills one of them.
To add insult to injury, she was the prettiest one of the bunch!
Pregnant Blonde Lady’s son comes home from work and it’s…Dr. Cascade!
Is he the killer? If so, why did he kill all of my good Chanels? Why couldn’t he have taken someone that no one cares about like #5 or a Midwestern factory worker?
A good minion is so hard to find.
So Who’s the Killer?
- Dr. Cascade. He’s the Pregnant Blonde Lady’s son and I have been naming him as suspect No. 1 in these recaps.
- Pregnant Blonde Lady. Maybe Dr. Cascade is innocent but she wants revenge for her husband’s sake.
- Hester. She’s a known killer and now she’s roaming free.
- Nurse Hoffel. She wants to ruin Munsch and what better way than to drive the C.U.R.E.’s reputation to the ground?
- Chamberlain. What rando decides to walk into a hospital and become a candy striper? A psychotic one, that’s who.
Scream Count: 5