May 3, 2018
Scream Queens: Poison Control
Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens where characters do 180s on their decisions all the time even though it doesn’t make any sense.
Despite the fact that Gigi’s head was literally served on a platter before her, Chanel is not traumatized at all and is ready to go Black Friday shopping. “But wait,” says the audience at home. “Isn’t Chanel super rich? Why would she care about Black Friday deals? Also, why is she shopping in the mall when everyone knows the best deals are online?” Ryan Murphy handwaves this by having Chanel explain that she likes to buy cheap presents to play psychological mind games with her minions. The other explanation provided that Chanel likes to deliberately buy up the best electronics to make average people angry is slightly better.
Dean Munsch attempts to stop the Chanels from going shopping until the police arrive but #5 points out the police have been useless so far. Nevertheless, Grace, Wes, and Pete still have faith in the police and go to the station themselves to report Gigi’s murder. However, the chief of police and the whole homicide department have been fired for mishandling the Red Devil case so no one can help them.
Yep, that’s exactly how that works. No one can hold a police job in northern California because the governor wants that Zodiac Killer caught right away, dammit!
Have you seen this man? Seriously, jobs are at stake here.
Just as the Chanels teach Chanel that Christmas is about giving people nice presents as a token of your appreciation for them, the mall unexpectedly closes down. The Chanels are confused as to how a busy shopping mall suddenly emptied and closed out without them noticing but they make their way to an exit anyway. However, the Red Devil Killer is waiting by the doors with a crossbow and chases the girls into the mall. The other Chanels make an escape but Chanel stays behind, determined to confront the killer, whom she believes to be Dean Munsch. She gets shot in the shoulder with a crossbow but luckily the new chief of police arrives on the scene to save her! It’s Denise Hemphill! Denise spends too much time delivering the long winded and still unbelieveable exposition as to how she, a lowly security guard, somehow became the highest ranking officer in town so the Red Devil gets away.
Luckily, Chanel isn’t too injured and she returns to Kappa House to announce that this obviously proves Dean Munsch is the killer. Since the police are useless, she proposes that they kill Dean Munsch themselves. Zayday is firmly opposed to the idea but Grace, surprisingly, agrees with Chanel. The two decide to poison Dean Munsch and the other Chanels agree with the plan while Zayday looks uncomfortable.
“White people are crazy.”
Pete attends a meeting of the Dickie Dollar Scholars where Chad reads Boone’s will. Boone bequeaths everything to Pete, who explains that Boone was his source for the investigation into Kappa House. Since any “secret friend and possible gay lover” of Boone’s is a friend of Chad’s, Chad offers Pete membership to the Dickie Dollar Scholars. Pete politely declines and makes a hasty exit as Chad challenges him to a duel. “You will get murdered, Pete Martinez!” yells Chad. “Murdered to death!”
Pete tells Grace what happened and she tells him how the first attempt to poison Dean Munsch failed. Dean Munsch was somehow able to withstand the venom of a puffer fish, much to everyone’s amazement/disappointment. Pete urges Grace not to kill Dean Munsch and points out that if she does, she will become another horrible Kappa sister. Grace argues that if she can do something to stop the Red Devil Killer, she should do it. Pete stops their make out session to tell Grace that she needs to make the right choice.
“Ah, murder plans. Excellent pillow talk.”
Grace changes her mind about joining the “Let’s Poison Dean Munsch” plan but in a twist, Zayday has changed her mind to agree with the plan. Yep, even though she was vehemently opposed to murder twelve minutes earlier, Zayday is down. The Chanels kick Grace out of the house and she heads to Wes’s apartment to crash with him. She is surprised to see Pete is also there, comparing notes on the Red Killer investigation with Wes. They explain to her that Gigi’s sister was the one who took the Kappa babies and after the sister committed suicide, Gigi raised the babies to be mass murderers and take revenge on Kappa house. After Pete leaves, Grace admits to her father that Pete wants to have sex but she isn’t sure. Wes points out that he is hardly a role model since he unknowingly fathered two mass murderers but tells her that she should only have sex when she is ready.
Meanwhile, the Chanels plus Zayday treat Dean Munsch to a spa day where they lure her into a cryosauna to freeze her to death. However, Dean Munsch is made of steel or some other inhuman material because despite being locked in a cryogenic freezer for over a half hour, she survives and thinks it was just a rejuvenating spa treatment.
“That was so cool! Get it, ‘cool’?”
Pete packs up his dorm when a mysterious caller calls him. Pete tells the caller that he feels guilty for what they have done and is leaving town. “Don’t ever call me again,” he says. He looks at the Red Devil costume hanging in his closet before leaving.
The Chanels rack their brains trying to figure out how Dean Munsch has survived their assassination attempts. Hester wonders if Dean Munsch is like Rasputin, the Russian mystic who was very difficult to kill. Chanel only listens to the last part of the story, where Rasputin dies from drowning and conveniently ignores the part where the man survived being poisoned, shot, and beaten to death first. She decides that she will lure Dean Munsch to the pool and they can drown her there. She even gives the Chanels plus Zayday new smartphone to coordinate their plans but the Chanels miss the call to action because they are too busy shopping and arguing with the saleswoman. Chanel cancels the murder plan–for now.
Grace goes over to Pete’s dorm room to tell him that she is ready to have sex but he tells her that he can’t have sex with her after all. “I don’t want your first time to be with a murderer,” he says.
Well, she would certainly have an interesting story to tell if she did.
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