Apr 25, 2019
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972) (part 1 of 11)
The Cast of Characters:
Santa Claus (Jay Clark). After a brief stint in rehab, Santa has a relapse and drunkenly crashes his sleigh into the Florida sand. To kill some time before he sobers up, he psychically summons some “Kids” (see below) to tell them a story he’s totally plagiarized from Hans Christian Andersen.
The Ice Cream Bunny. A deformed, diseased, unemployable team mascot. Roger Clinton to the Easter Bunny’s Bill. He and the “Kids” decide to stage an intervention to help Santa.
”Kids”. The name says it all. None of them would ever forgive their parents for letting them appear in this movie. Sadly, at least one of them would grow up to play an even more irritating movie character.
Thumbelina (Shay Garner). A vacant-eyed, braless young girl about the size of a freakishly big walnut. Tries to get one up on Anna Nicole Smith by getting engaged to an old, rich mole named Mr. Digger (see below).
The Aging Spinster. A woman who remains single well into middle age, then decides she wants a child, so she has a witch cast a spell to create Thumbelina. Often cited as a pioneer and role model by Rosie O’Donnell and Camryn Manheim.
Mrs. Mole (Pat Morrell). All that remains of the pre-bra burning generation. Takes in Thumbelina and does everything in her power to marry her off to an old pedophile.
Mr. Digger (Bob O’Connell). A perverted old mole who wants to get it on with Thumbelina. Has a total hard-on for antiques and paintings, that is, if he could still get hard-ons.
Mr. Bird. Has a torrid affair with Thumbelina before helping her flee the country on a counterfeit visa and an assumed identity. Spirits her away to a hippie commune to be with other braless wonders.
Well, it’s been several months since I started running this site, and with the holidays fast approaching, I got to thinking that it’s high time I wrote a recap for all our younger readers out there. So here we have it, the Agony Booth’s first children’s film!
Unfortunately, kids, the charter of this website requires that this be a terrible children’s film. If you come across this movie at your local video store, you can rest assured that its only purpose in being there is to prop up the rest of the videos on the shelf. If you pick it up, don’t be surprised if the rest of the row suddenly comes crashing down on your head.
At the store where I found my copy, it was past the beaded curtains and the swinging saloon doors, in that same tiny, red-walled room where they keep all the porn. That should give you a indication of how embarrassing it is to be seen renting this movie.
Like most other terrible children’s films, the filmmakers seem to think that simply because the movie is for kids, they have to pretend like they’re making it for retards. Every actor speaks as slowly as possible, enunciating every word as if they’re talking to people who don’t speak English. All the characters take longer than George W. Bush to string a sentence together, and deliver the most obvious emoting you’ll see outside of a Sally Struthers infomercial.
Posters for this movie reveal that is was meant specifically to be a Saturday and Sunday afternoon matinee only. That should make its reason for existence clear. Most likely, it only played at shopping mall cinemas, and was meant to give parents somewhere to drop off the kids for an hour or two while shopping for their Christmas presents. Of course, after seeing this movie, all those kids ended up wanting for Christmas was some serious psychotherapy. Perhaps the only positive thing that can be said about Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is that its target audience is much too young to remember it once it’s over.