Aug 17, 2021
Sad Sportsball Time: No More Foreignball
The United States is the indispensable nation. No one denies this, least of all soccer fan Madeline Albright, who gave the phrase to American diplomats, and who also gave this tweet to a suddenly soccer-mad nation.
— Madeleine Albright (@madeleine) July 1, 2014
But yesterday, the Belgians went and ruined our party, and now the World Cup will have to struggle on with less life, less liberty, and so much less pursuit of happiness. While there were a lot of reasons why the #USMNT lost—mostly because the Belgians scored more goals than we did—the reality is that this is all the fault of a soulless Belgian ginger, who broke the scoreless tie in the first few minutes of extra time.
America does not like losers, but after Tim Howard’s record-setting game in goal, the #USMNT can hold their heads high as they return to the States. You are all winners in our book, guys, even you, Michael Bradley, with your running 8.5 miles a game! (Ed. note: Whoa, srsly? Author’s note: Ya srsly. ) [Ed. note: I would never say “srsly.” Dan is being a WHIMSICAL IMP!)
Not so for the South Korean team, who returned home to a weird ritual that we’re sure makes more sense if you speak fluent Korean.
[…]South Korea had an ignominious welcoming party to greet them at Incheon airport on Monday.
The South Korean squad, who picked up a solitary point from their three games in Brazil, had toffees thrown at them as they lined up for photographs – “go eat a toffee” being an insult in Korea along the lines of “get lost” or “screw you”.
Ha ha…ha? We think the proper response is laughter, but who knows, we can’t figure out this crazy foreignball for the life of us.
So that’s that. You can keep watching soccer if you want. Lionel Messi is very good at this kicking sport, as is the entire German team! But for most of us, the World Cup just got a lot less interesting.
Where have you gone, Teddy Goalsevelt? A nation turns its lonely eyes to…baseball, we guess. Months and months of baseball.
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