Riverdale: The family that slays together, stays together

I want a mom like Alice Cooper. Alice Cooper has gone from being one of my least favorite characters (remember all of her petty level rankings in season 1?) to my absolute ride-or-die. Alice is #MomGoals. She makes big IHOP-style breakfasts every morning, she’s mega hot, and if you ever screw up and kill a guy, she’ll help you cover up the evidence.


Betty doesn’t appreciate how awesome her mom is. She just stands in Casa Cooper, freaking out about the dead guy on their rug. She wants to call the police but Alice yells at her not to. Betty says it should be okay, because if Alice killed the guy in self-defense it would be so easy for her to get off without charges. Alice did kill the guy in self-defense, right?

Alice’s actual reason is that she’s afraid of she and Chick getting separated, so it’s just easier if she cleans up the mess. Chick, by the way, just stands in the corner frozen while Betty and Alice do all the clean up. Typical man.

Hal calls to say he’s coming over to pick up “toiletries” because part of being The Worst is coming over at the worst possible time. Also, he’s a total mooch. Can’t buy your own toilet paper and shaving cream, Hal? Of course, because Alice is a boss, she and Betty have the whole place spiffy by the time he arrives. Hal is suspicious about the strong smell of bleach but Betty quickly distracts him.

After Hal leaves, Jughead calls to say goodnight to Betty. Aw. He’s such a cute, sensitive boyfriend. Too bad Betty can’t enjoy it because she’s too busy helping her mom dispose of a body. Alice’s bright idea is to wrap the body and then leave it in an abandoned sewer pipe. She’s surprisingly chill about the whole situation, but Betty is panicked. In the morning, she can’t even enjoy the chocolate chip pancakes Alice made (see what I mean about IHOP-style breakfasts?) and drops a bowl of cereal in a fright when Jughead knocks on the door. He just wants to walk her to school and maybe talk about last night? Jughead worries Betty ignored his call because he was bad at sex. I mean, he probably was, it being his first time, and how he hasn’t had any burgers in the last five episodes to fuel him. Betty tells him that she has no regrets about having sex with him.

Speaking of regrets, Veronica checks in again to make sure that Archie is cool with her Corleone-lite family. Archie is totally cool with it. He’s even protecting the Lodges from Special Agent Adams, who doesn’t believe Archie’s claims that Hiram had nothing to do with the murder of Papa Poutine. Special Agent Adams demands to know if Archie knows about Hiram’s “capo.”

So remember last week when I asked who sent the Pickens statue head to the Lodges? Turns out it was Jughead. Hiram sees this as a declaration of war, but Veronica suggests that her dad try to negotiate a settlement instead of escalating the situation. At school, Veronica convinces Jughead to a sit down with her father, and then Kevin runs up to tell the gang about a dead body his dad found. I bet Kevin’s always doing that: telling people about dead bodies and hoping it’s going to lead into a Stand by Me adventure.

Betty panics because she thinks the police found the blonde guy Alice killed, but it turns out to be Papa Poutine. Nevertheless, she sprints to stress-vomit in the bathroom. Cheryl comes by and is in one of her nice moods. She offers to help Betty clean up, but Betty snaps at her to go away.

Betty isn’t the only one freaking about Papa Poutine’s death. Veronica suspects Hiram is connected to it, but poor, sweet, dumb Archie thinks otherwise. “His business dealings may be shady but at heart, he’s a a good guy,” he says.

Do the Lodges serve Kool-Aid at their fancy penthouse? If so, Archie’s been drinking a ton of it. Special Agent Adams tries to bribe Archie with some money to confront Hiram about Papa Poutine, but Archie still insists Hiram had nothing to do with it. Hiram told him that Papa Poutine had lots of enemies and the most likely enemy is Lenny Kowalski, whom Papa Outine owed big time. For a moment, I thought Archie said “Lenny Kosnowski” and that he was trying to convince Agent Adams that Papa Poutine owed money to a Laverne & Shirley character.

These are guys you don’t wanna mess with.

Because she’s also dumb (there must be something in the water in Riverdale), Betty goes back to the sewer pipe to look at the dead body. The phone in the body’s jacket rings and Betty takes it home and goes through it. She finds out the victim was a drug dealer and tells Alice. Alice is relieved; if the victim was a drug dealer, then maybe no one is looking for him. Betty tries to argue that drug dealers have families too, and Alice snaps that theirs is the only family Betty should care about. Meanwhile, Chick just watches their argument with a creepy smile on his face. What’s that about?

Still, Betty tries to call the numbers in the phone, hoping to learn more about the victim, but everyone hangs up on her. At a loss, Betty calls Jughead for help. All these two do is rope each other into crime solving. Can’t they go to the movies like a normal couple? Since Betty was cool with him cutting up a chick, Jughead is equally as cool with Betty’s family covering up a murder. A meter maid passes by and asks if they know anything about the victim’s car, which is still parked on the street. Jughead claims it as his and when the meter maid leaves, Betty hotwires it and the two push it into Sweetwater River.

Jughead confronts Mayor McCoy about how all the property Hiram has bought out is controlled by the town. He accuses her of accepting bribes in exchange for letting the “SoDale” project happen. She refuses to answer, so Jughead starts work on another expose. Later, he and Mr. Jughead finally have that sit down with Hiram. Hiram offers to pay all the back rent owed on the trailer park in exchange for Jughead leaving Lodge Industries out of his expose. Jughead and his father refuse. Hiram can buy out everyone else, but not them.

Hiram is not pleased about this, and when Veronica comes home, she overhears her parents arguing with Mayor McCoy. Mayor McCoy storms out and the Lodges explain that McCoy is refusing to accelerate their plans to take over the city (or whatever exactly their end goal is), so they’re going to oust her from office by exposing her affair with Sheriff Keller. Hermione calls it “Operation Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner”, which makes no sense to me. Is Riverdale is so racist that they’ll be more shocked about a black woman and a white man having sex than the potential conflict of interest of the town mayor and police sheriff being in bed together?

Veronica isn’t comfortable with exposing Mayor McCoy like this, so she gives her the heads up about what’s going to happen. Mayor McCoy resigns so Hiram and Hermione don’t have any leverage for exposing the affair. Hiram suspects what Veronica did, but she denies helping Mayor McCoy.

Speaking of affairs, it’s confirmed that Hal and Mrs. Blossom are banging. I know. Feel free to take a moment from reading this recap to vomit. Cheryl speaks for all of us when she chastises her mother for “destroying families with [her] courtesan ways.” Mrs. Blossom says Hal isn’t a client, and their relationship is real. This is even more disgusting, so again, feel free to vomit. Didn’t the writers forget that the Blossoms and Coopers are related?

Archie comes home to find Special Agent Adams talking to Fred. Did Special Agent Adams realize how stupid it was to recruit a minor as an informant and is now coming to recruit Fred? Nope! He pretends to have never met Archie, and Fred later explains that Agent Adams is looking into undocumented laborers from Canada and Fred has hired a few. Archie realizes Agent Adams’ promise about granting Fred immunity was a lie. Agent Adams literally tells Archie to “wake up, stop dicking around, and leave a bug in Hiram’s office.” He warns that he can make Archie’s life very difficult if he doesn’t cooperate.

Hal comes back to the Blossom guest house, where Cheryl is waiting dramatically in the dark. She tells Hal to stop screwing her mom and to stop screwing around in general and get back to his family. At school, Cheryl sees Betty is upset and thinks she knows the exact Cooper family drama that’s troubling Betty, so she tells Betty about the Blossom/Cooper Affair Part 2. Chick texts Betty to come home because Hal is yelling and asking questions about why the house smells like bleach and stuff. Betty threatens to call Alice (don’t you love that Betty’s first instinct to take care of her dad is not to call the cops, but to call Alice? Alice is scarier than the po-po) and threatens to tell Alice about his affair.

This makes Hal shut up and leave, which Chick is grateful for. Betty snaps that she didn’t do it for him, she did it protect Alice. Yeah, Alice is ride-or-die for you, so it’s time to return the favor.

Speaking of ride-or-die, I must acknowledge that Archie also a ride-or-die dude. Unfortunately, he picks the wrong people to be loyal to. He tells Hiram about the FBI trying to bribe him and how he doesn’t want to do it, but the FBI is threatening his family. Hiram isn’t pleased that Archie is just telling him this now, but admits that this isn’t his first tangle with law enforcement and promises to take care of it.

Alice returns to Casa Cooper, and Betty reports that she and Jughead ditched the car but Hal is still asking questions. Betty worries that there are more loose ends to tie up, but Alice doesn’t want to go to the police. “I’m not talking about the police,” says Betty. Turns out, she meant Mr. Jughead. He’s not going to let people make the same mistakes he made with Jason Blossom, so he goes back, gets the body, and buries it/dissolves it in lye. So long as there’s no security footage of this whole thing, they’re good.

Andre, the Lodges’ driver (whom we’ve never seen before but perhaps we should have, because he’s kinda hot and has a cool accent), shows up at Archie’s to say the boss wants to “meet.” Uh-oh? Is Archie going to learn the meaning behind the old adage “snitches get stitches”? Or just get whacked? Turns out, neither. He meets with Hermione at the edge of a cliff and she reveals that Agent Adams is not a real agent and it was all a set up to test Archie’s loyalty. And by going to Hiram and refusing to snitch, he passed.

“Welcome to the family,” she says.

Well, I’ll be. Archie’s dumbness paid off.

The Real Archie’s Weird Mysteries I Want Solved:

  • So who is the guy Alice murdered? My theory is that he, not Chick, is Alice’s long-lost son. I bet he found out Chick was impersonating him so he went over to Casa Cooper to confront him, things got heated, and Alice killed him. Chick is definitely not what he seems. He was awfully quiet this episode.
  • What do Penelope Blossom and Hal even see in each other? Again, don’t those families hate each other?

Did Jughead Get a Burger?

Sadly no. Hopefully, he got one off screen. Helping your girlfriend cover up a murder is exhausting.

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Riverdale

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