Riverdale: Party like an angsty teen

In the aftermath of Jason’s murder, Jughead notes that the town has realized that there is no such thing as control, only chaos. Intercut with scenes of our clean-cut All-American teen leads are scenes from a wild party. The party scenes feature a lot of shirtless CW males so you know we’re in for a lot of drama!

Although the horse and pig masks do worry me a bit. I know Riverdale is a small town but I hope the kids haven’t resorted to bestiality to entertain themselves.


Before we can get to the big party scenes, we have to set up all the drama. As we all know, Veronica has become completely disillusioned with her father Hiram and refuses to testify on his behalf, but Archie and Betty tells her that the Blossoms may have helped send him to jail so Ronnie’s teenage self-righteousness is a lot confused right now. While she decides whether to be angry at her dad or not, Archie reminds Betty that Jughead’s birthday is coming up and since he doesn’t like to make a big deal out of it, Archie usually takes him to the movies. Betty insists that all of three of them can go together and Archie loves that idea, calling themselves the Three Musketeers. Betty corrects Archie that there are actually four musketeers.

Betty decides to invite Mr. Jughead to come along but he declines, saying that Jughead probably wouldn’t want him there. He also mentions that Jughead has never had a birthday party and Betty immediately decides that’s what she should do for Jughead despite two characters telling her in explicit terms that Jughead doesn’t like big parties.

Betty’s party planning spirits are interrupted when Chuck aka the “Sticky Maple Liar” walks back into school and talks to Ethel. Betty marches up to him and orders him to stay away from her. Chuck explains that he’s just apologizing to Ethel and jokes how she doesn’t have to go “Dark!Betty” on him. Betty does not like his smug attitude and doesn’t trust his sincerity but Ethel says it’s cool so she has to let the matter drop. For now.

Veronica does some digging into the relationship between Hiram and the Blossoms and goes through her father’s old bank statements and finds that the Blossoms have been making monthly payments to Lodge Industries for years–until Hiram went to jail five months again. She reports her findings to her mother.

This lends credibility to the theory that the Blossoms sent Hiram to jail, but Hermione advises Veronica to sit on the information for now. If it’s true, the Blossoms could argue that Hiram had Jason murdered as payback and it’s best not to arouse their wrath in any shape or form. Veronica ignores this sound advice and at Vixens practice, challenges Cheryl to a dance-off for the lead spot in their routine. Even though I lack any sort of rhythm and am stilling waiting for it to get me in some shape or form, to me, neither girl is particularly impressive.

Yet the squad votes that Veronica has the best moves and she gets the lead routine. Angry, Cheryl approaches Chuck and suggests they crash Jughead’s birthday party as revenge. He agrees.

Unbeknownst to Cheryl’s scheming, Veronica talks to the family lawyer about whether her theory could possibly help him in court. The lawyer gives the same spiel how it could just implicate Hiram in another crime. He also gives Veronica a letter from Hiram asking Veronica to testify, claiming that her mother will be drawn into the case as well. Veronica interprets this as a threat and is in a foul mood when she gets to Archie’s for Jughead’s surprise party. She breezes past the fact that Kevin is introducing her to his Serpent boyfriend Joaquin for the first time to bemoan her horrible father. Archie is the only one who can sort of relate to her problems. He reveals that his dad went out of town to finalize the divorce from his mother, Molly Ringwald, and it sucks when adults let you down.

And if you thought those kids were angsty, wait until you get a load of Jughead! Betty takes Jughead to his double feature and then surprises him with a party and cake, much to his dismay. Betty even sang “Happy Birthday” to him and that costs money to use so he can’t even get mad because he’ll be called ungrateful. Cheryl and Chuck arrive with their friends and several kegs, demanding to be let in. Archie agrees because he wants to get drunk and forget his parents’ divorce and maybe get together with Val instead of being considerate of his friend’s birthday.

Jughead hides in the backroom and grumbles about the party he didn’t want. He grumbles even further when his dad stops by to wish him a happy birthday. Mr. Jughead sticks around the party and pulls Joaquin aside to make sure the dumb kid ins’t really falling in love with his mark. Joaquin alerts him to the fact that the gang knows Veronica’s dad has ties to the Blossoms and is the anonymous buyer of the lot. Mr. Jughead allows him to stick around, noting that “these kids are more on the ball than the sheriff.”

Betty finds Jughead hiding in the back and asks why he isn’t joining the party. Jughead gets upset and accuses Betty of throwing the party for to make herself happy, not him. He also declares that he’s too “weird” to have a perfect, girl-next-door girlfriend like Betty. No, seriously. That was the gist of  his argument.


Jughead attempts to storm off but Cheryl and Chuck hold him hostage in the house so they can play a game of “Saints & Sinners”, which is basically an excuse for everyone to spill their secrets. Cheryl declares that Hiram secretly purchased the drive-in land and Veronica counters that maybe Cheryl killed Jason after he ended their twincest affair. Dilton jumps in and announces that Ms. Grundy and Archie were having an affair.

Chuck adds how Betty dressed up like a hooker in a bad wig (seriously, also his words) and went crazy on him. Jughead punches him and the two get into a fight, but Mr. Jughead, finally acting like a real adult, breaks it up and ends the party. Alice, who had been spying on the party this whole time, comes out from next door to order Mr. Jughead out of the neighborhood. “You may not live on the South side anymore but we both know the truth: snakes don’t shed their skin so easily,” he tells her. Alice is unhappy that he is hanging around and gets suspicious when later Betty tells her that Joaquin is dating Kevin. “This town is small but it’s not that small,” she says.

Before he leaves, Mr. Jughead continues this trend of being a rational adult and tells Jughead to get his angsty head out of his angsty ass and make up with Betty. The two get a milkshake at Pop’s and Jughead admits that he’s afraid of rejection so he rejects people first and Betty admits that she gets these dark urges occasionally and they frighten her so she overcompensates by acting like a goody goody. She shows him that she digs her nails so hard into her palms that she leaves marks and I think that secretly, Jughead is delighted that his girlfriend is just as dark and twisty as he wants to be.

Meanwhile, because Veronica and Archie are the last ones at the party and are drunk and angsty, they hook up. In the morning, Veronica decides to testify for her father in order to protect her mother although afterwards, she tells Betty that she suspects her father might be connected to Jason’s death.

At home, Archie and Jughead are cleaning up from the party when Fred arrives–with his mom in tow.

Oh boy, does she need filling in on what’s been going on.

The Real Archie’s Mysteries I Want Solved:

  • Do no administrators know what HBIC means? Because Cheryl’s wearing that monogram on her official Vixens practice outfit. Maybe she claims it means “Head Blossom in Charge”. See below:

  • So does Alice have a job at the school now? She told Jughead and Betty that she’s going to be the newspaper advisor but is that a paid position?
  • Also, is Alice an ex-serpent? Mr. Jughead definitely implied as such and if true, this gives Alice’s character a whole new layer.Her type A preppiness is a front she puts up to hide her shameful background.
  • Betty made a joke how the last time Veronica brought her baked goods was when she kissed Archie. Now that she slept with him, what do you think Veronica’s present to Betty is going to be? A bakery? A diamond bracelet? A pony?
  • Did Jughead Get a Burger? No! It was his damn birthday and this kid didn’t get a burger. This is BS.

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Riverdale

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