May 29, 2018
Riverdale: Homecomings and goings
Welcome back (again) to Riverdale! These random CW hiatuses are killing me and I don’t understand the logic behind them. Are they trying to drag out the final episodes? Accommodating standardized testings for their teen viewers? Or did they simply just forget to queue up the right broadcast and so they had to give us something called H1Z1: Fight for the Crown instead?
Whatever the reason, those suits at the CW need to get it together. After this episode, we’re only one away from the season finale and I demand answers to all my questions! Who really killed Jason? Will Polly ever escape the Blossoms? What is Hiram’s connection to the Blossoms? And most importantly: will Jughead ever get his burger?
Let’s find out!
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Riverdale has some wonky timing. It appears to be the middle of winter, but the school is just now throwing their Homecoming dance. Is Riverdale so up north that an early winter came or are those damned liberals just lying about that global warming thing?
Hermione excitedly tells Veronica that their character statements on behalf of Hiram causes the judge to grant him leniency so there’s a chance he’ll be coming home soon. Veronica asks how Hiram can come to Riverdale when he’s a potential suspect in Jason Blossom’s murder?
Hermione insists that Veronica is jumping to conclusions over nothing, so Veronica decides to find proof of whether her father is guilty or innocent, once and for all.
Meanwhile, Jughead is pretty eager to believe that his father has turned over a new leaf. Mr. Jughead has shaved his stubble, cleaned up the trailer, and gone to work on time every day. He’s even asked to read Jughead’s wannabe In Cold Blood manuscript and judging by the melodramatic narrations on this show, I’m sure it was quite the effort.
Jughead thinks his dad is taking an active interest in his family again but Mr. Jughead is just trying to gauge how much the kids have found out about the murder case and if they’ve connected anything to him. “To me, the question isn’t so much a ‘whodunit’, but if Riverdale is a place of good or a place of darkness and evil,” explains Jughead.
Molly Ringwald aka Mary Andrews is back in town and being a former teen queen of the 80s screen, she knows exactly what to say to get her angsty teen son to open up to her. She asks about Archie’s music and he immediately perks up and promises to play at the dance so she can hear for herself.
At school, Archie apologizes to Veronica for not calling after they hooked up and asks her to perform with him at this dance. Man, Archie’s got some cojones. First, he ignores a girl and then asks her to sing with him even though the last time they almost sang together, he ditched her for another musician. Luckily for him, Veronica does not hold many grudges and tells Archie that everything’s cool but she doesn’t want to duet.
Veronica turns down that oh so tempting offer to attend the latest meeting of the How to Solve a Murder Club with Betty and Alice. Alice declares that everyone–even Josie and The Pussycats are still possible murder suspects–but at the top of the list is definitely Mr. Jughead.
Josie and The Pussycats are nowhere connected to this murder and the only thing they kill is their musical performances.
Alice does have the more viable theory that Joaquin, Kevin’s Serpent boyfriend, is involved with the murder somehow (which we the audience know is correct) but Alice has destroyed her own credibility by blaming the Pussycats so the girls don’t believe her. Alice pushes for Betty to interrogate Mr. Jughead about Jason’s murder, but Betty refuses. Veronica takes up the task because she hopes to find proof of her father’s innocence/guilt.
She goes back to Archie and asks for his help in investigating Mr. Jughead in exchange for performing a duet.
Meanwhile, Polly sneaks around Thornhill Manor looking for clues about Jason’s death, but only finds a wig room and a silver-haired Mr. Blossom.
Mrs. Blossom reprimands Polly for snooping and makes her drink a milkshake from Pop’s to keep her strength up. Polly obeys, but something tells them that it’s not just whipped cream and maraschino cherries in there. Still, Polly insists in her check-in phone call with Betty that the Blossoms are hiding something in their bedroom and she needs more time to figure out what.
I get that Polly wants to find out what happen to her dead fiance, but she just found a room filled with nothing but red wigs.
Back at the Andrews house, Fred and Molly Ringwald are debating what to order in and she still remembers all of their favorite foods. Fred and Molly also make plans to attend the Homecoming dance together to see Archie sing and he gets excited at the possibility that his parents are getting back together, despite Jughead’s warnings not get his hopes up.
Jughead is being a little hypocritical about not getitng hopes up about crappy parents, because he’s ready to move back with his dad after a compliments about his terrible manuscript. Archie perks up when he hears Mr. Jughead is asking how much Jughead knows about the murder, and he tells Veronica that he will help with her search in order to protect Jughead from getting disappointed by his father again.
Back at Thornhill, Polly convinces Cheryl that they should look in Mrs. Blossom’s closet for vintage dress for Homecoming as an excuse to get into the bedrooms. Polly asks about the wigs because, hello, who wouldn’t? Turns out Mr. Blossoms just went gray early and wears wigs because ginger supremacy is a big deal in the family or something. Cheryl finds Polly’s engagement ring amongst Mrs. Blossoms jewelery and Polly freaks. “The only way your mom and dad got that ring is from Jason,” she gasps. She tries to get the ring back, but Cheryl wrestles it away from her.
Cheryl warns Polly that her babies will not protect her from Blossom wrath forever so Polly better be careful. Still, Polly confronts Mrs. Blossoms about the ring and all but accuses her of being Jason’s murderer. Mrs. Blossom claims that Jason gave the ring back after he decided to run away with Polly.
Polly believes this story, but she’s a fool for trusting the Blossoms, especially after learning that they lie about their hair. Mrs. Blossom laces Polly’s next milkshake with a knockout drug so Polly will have to miss the dance. Cheryl asks if the story about the ring was true and Mr. Blossom deflects the question, by telling Cheryl that he should have been mentoring her all along since Jason turned out to be a dud. They ask where the ring is now and Cheryl claims that she flushed it down the toilet in case Polly ever tried to use it as evidence against them. The Blossoms are impressed.
Meanwhile, Betty has her hands full trying to get through dinner with her mom and the Jones men. Jughead was hopeful that the dinner meant Alice was warming up to him, but Alice uses it as a thinly veiled excuse to interrogate Mr. Jughead about any murderous connections. The awkwardness is briefly broken up by knock at the door and then it’s promptly added in again when the visitor is revealed to be Hal.
On their way to the dance, Veronica and Archie break into Jughead’s house to look for clues, but find nothing, much to Veronica’s frustration. “Do you want your dad to be guilty?” asks Archie, confused. Veronica admits that she doesn’t know; she’s learned so much awful stuff about her dad lately and she doesn’t know how she’ll face him if he ever comes home. “Not finding anything tonight feels like a win,” Archie tells her, which makes Veronica smile. Then they kiss because nothing turns teens on like being in their friend’s dad’s trailer looking for murder clues.
Jughead asks Mr. Jughead if he can move back home, and Mr. Jughead suggests getting the whole family together to move to Toledo and get a fresh start. Jughead is torn: on the one hand he wants to be back with his family but the other hand he has a hot blonde girlfriend who makes out with him.
Somehow Hermione ends up tagging along to the dance with Fred and Molly Ringwald. Alice Cooper runs into Molly Ringwald and tries to make snide comments about how it’s so nice Molly Ringwald can get along with Hermione even though Hermione was banging Fred while Molly Ringwald was in Chicago. However, as teen queen, Molly Ringwald knows a pathetic mean girl when she sees one and ignores Alice’s comments and then goes back to the dance, with her head held high and accompanied by Jon Cryer as “If You Leave” plays.
Wait, that’s a different movie.
But we do get an 80s song at the dance! Archie and Veronica perform a cover of “Kids in America”, which the crowd gets really into despite the fact that 95% of the audience was born in 2000. I don’t know,maybe they thought Archie had finally written an original song that isn’t depressing and got very excited.
Betty sees Archie, Veronica, and her mom talking and confronts them for digging into Mr. Jughead even though she specifically told them not to. Jughead wonders where all his friends are and interrupts Kevin and Joaquin’s date to ask. “You all need tracking devices,” snaps Kevin so Jughead leaves him alone and goes to find the gang on his.
Jughead finds his friends and Betty makes Veronica and Archie admit to breaking into his dad’s house. However, Jughead thinks Betty was involved and gets angry at her too. “To think I was going to pass on moving to Toledo with my family for you,” he tells her.
Before the fight can get any bigger, Kevin and the other adults find them and announce that Sheriff Keller found the gun used to kill Jason at Mr. Jughead’s house and he has just been arrested for murder.
Everyone deals with the news in different ways: Jughead cries, Hermione vows to Veronica that they will cut ties with Hiram if he gets connected to the murder, Molly Ringwald begs Archie to move to Chicago with her for his safety, Mrs. Blossom sobs to Mr. Blossom that she wants Mr. Jughead to pay for Jason’s murder, and Cheryl reveals that she is still holding onto the ring.
Betty goes to Pop’s to look for Jughead but finds Archie and Veronica. They tell her that they didn’t find a gun when they searched the trailer and believe Mr. Jughead is being framed.
The Real Archie’s Weird Mysteries I Want Solved:
- Is Polly going to be okay? Mrs. Blossom claimed the knockout drug wouldn’t hurt her or the babies but I’m not taking anyone from that family at their word.
- Why doesn’t Mr. Blossom just dye his hair instead of investing in wigs? And if he’s so rich, why do his wigs look so cheap?
- Did Archie and Veronica actually hook up? She says they had “a moment” before they crashed in separate beds but what does that mean?
- Where did Betty get her dress from and why didn’t dance dresses look like that when I was in school?
- Did Jughead eat a burger?: No, he did not. I hope that someone buys him one as a “Sorry your dad’s in prison” present next episode at least.