Mar 15, 2018
Riverdale: Daddy Lessons
I can’t even make fun of this week’s pretentious narration because we opened with a dream sequence where all the Riverdale characters are dressed like their retro counterparts. Jughead is even wearing his crown hat!
But like all dream sequences, there is something off: Betty is wearing a wedding ring, there’s an unseen man passed out on a recliner in front of the TV, Archie has a knife in his back, and Veronica looks awful with bangs.
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Jughead wakes up in the janitor’s closet in school, where he has been sleeping since the drive-in shut down. Archie surprises him in the school showers–no, not like that although I’m sure there is some fan fiction with this exact scenario.
Archie asks Jughead why he isn’t living at home and Jughead explains that ever since Mr. Jughead (that’s what I’m calling his dad because Daddy Jones feels wrong) lost his job, he’s fallen off the wagon. Him mom took his sister, Jellybean, to live with their grandparents while Jughead simply moved out. Archie offers to let Jughead crash at the Andrews house but Jughead insists that he can take care of himself.
Betty frets to the gang about her latest family drama. Her parents don’t want to report Polly is missing because as the only other person who knew where Jason’s car was, the police will think she torched it and is a possible murder suspect. Also, someone must have followed Betty and Jughead to Jason’s car and is sabotaging the murder investigation. “Honestly, we should just move,” says Veronica. She is not wrong about that.
Jughead puts his arm around Betty, which Archie immediately notices.
The gang also discusses how the Blossoms can’t know that Polly is missing, which of course, a Cheryl minion overhears and reports to Cheryl, who informs her mother and Sheriff Keller. She demands to be let back on the Rivderdale Vixens squad (Wait, wasn’t she supposed to be shipped off to boarding school?) and announces that she tweeted out the info so now the whole town will put pressure on Sheriff Keller to investigate the Coopers. Kevin reports she used the hashtags “#pollycooperkilledmybrother” and “#sharpenyourpitchforks”.
Now more than ever, the Archie gang needs to find Polly! They organize a search party to look for her but spend most of the time gossiping about their personal lives. Veronica tells Kevin that she is fighting with her mom re: the Fred Andrews situation and has been acting out to punish Hermione. So far, she went on an online shopping spree and plans to go on an epic bender. It’s going to be hard considering the only nightlife in Riverdale is Pop’s Chocklit Shop but Veronica will make it work somehow.
The Blossoms show up at the search party and vow to prove that Polly killed Jason. After touching up her Covergirl foundation because product placement, Mrs. Cooper decides they need to get the town back on their side and holds a press conference announcing Polly’s pregnancy and begs the TV cameras to let Polly come home safely.
After all of the hubaloo, Jughead walks Betty home and holds her hand. “Isn’t this what people who have been what we’ve been through do?” he asks nervously. Aw, Jughead. I pick on this kid a lot but I can see that he’s worried that he’s only pulling his first girlfriend just because they’re working on a murder investigation. It doesn’t help that talking to Jughead triggers an idea in Betty as to where Polly might be. She checks the Cooper’s ridiculously large and creepy attic and finds that Polly has been secretly living there.
Polly asks for Betty’s help to run away because the Coopers want to force Polly to give up the baby. Betty tells Polly that her pregnancy is now public so she has nothing to worry about but sure enough, when Betty casually asks her parents if they’re going to install a nursery when Polly comes home, they lie and claim adoption was Polly’s idea.
Meanwhile, Jughead checks on Mr. Jughead and reports that Fred is willing to offer him his old job back. Mr. Jughead is insulted. “What kind of man would I be if I went back there with my hat in hand?” he asks. “A man with a job,” shoots back Jughead.
Jughead begs his dad to take the job so their family can be together again. Mr. Jughead swallows his pride and asks Fred to hire him again. Fred accepts and introduces him to Hermione, whom Mr. Jughead already knows. When they’re alone, they agree not to tell Fred about their dealings with the South Side Serpents. “A serpent’s got no reason to bite if it’s not stepped on,” he warns her.
Archie and Jughead wait for their dads to get off work and suggest getting dinner all together. Fred and Mr. Jughead reminisce about their high school days and Mr. Jughead offers to give Archie guitar lessons. The tone shifts when the check comes and the adults fight over the check. “You owe me this,” Mr. Jughead tells Fred. The boys are confused as to all this drama over the check–I mean, there’s usually drama when picking up this check but this is beyond–and after his guitar lesson, Archie asks what’s the deal. Mr. Jughead explains that he and Fred started the construction company together but after Mr. Jughead got into some legal trouble, Fred bailed him out in exchange for Mr. Jughead signing over his share of the company. So now Mr. Jughead blames his crappy life on Fred taking the company away from him.
Archie confronts his dad about Mr. Jughead’s revelation and Fred defends himself, saying that you can’t save a drowning person if they’re trying to take you down too. Archie points out that it’s unfair that Jughead and his family had to suffer for Mr. Jughead’s bad decisions.
Veronica sluts it up in front of her mom and Hermione is all, “You can’t go clubbing on a school night, young lady!” and I’m like, “Can you even go clubbing ANY night in Riverdale?” Veronica demands that her mom tell Hiram what she’s done and when Hermione refuses, she goes clubbing with Kevin, Josie, and Reggie. Veronica tells them how after her dad went to prison, Hermione told her that no one could take away her Lodge name. But by forging her signature, Veronica feels like Hermione DID take it away.
Idk man, I think Veronica just wants to feel some angst.
The manager tells Veronica that her card has been reported stolen but Veronica came prepared and pays the bill in cash. She informs her friends that this is Hermione’s way of calling for negotiations. Hermione gives a long-winded speech how this is a confusing time in her marriage and she should be allowed to make out with Fred. “So you want me to accept your affair?” asks Veronica.
Veronica is unhappy but accepts that no middle-aged woman can resist the call of Luke Perry. However, she insists that the two never have sex in their apartment and Hermione confess about the signature forgery. Hermione agrees.
To Betty’s surprise, Cheryl is offering to help Polly. She explains that Jason’s baby is a game changer and she wants to protect her niece/nephew. The elder Blossoms offer to “ferociously protect” Polly if Betty takes her to them and Betty agrees to set up a meeting. At the Thornhill mansion, Mrs. Blossom asks Cheryl if she’s seen Polly take drugs, claiming that the baby shouldn’t have an unfit mother. Cheryl realizes the Blossoms are planning on pushing out Polly and gives the Cooper girls a heads up. Veronica offers to let Polly stay with her, so problem solved! Why didn’t they think of this sooner?
Jughead is hauled into the police station because Sheriff Keller ran his prints and found that Jughead spent time in juvenile hall for attempting to burn down his school, which Jughead insists was an accident. But Sheriff Keller’s done the math and it adds up to Jughead being a murder suspect.
Luckily, Jughead is smart and refuses to talk until he gets a lawyer. Betty and Archie scramble to find his dad to get Jughead out, but Fred provides an alibi for Jughead and vouches for him. Jughead is released and Mr. Jughead finally shows up. He offers to kick Sheriff Keller’s ass and gets annoyed when he finds out Fred bailed Jughead out. The Andrews offer to let Jughead stay with them and Mr. Jughead promises to get his act together.
Fred fakes a timesheet for Jughead and admits that Archie is right that Jughead shouldn’t suffer for his father’s mistakes. And believe me, Mr. Jughead has made a lot of mistakes and he probably will continue to make mistakes. The last scene of the episode is him drinking alone in his house, where Jason’s varsity jacket is stuffed in the closet.
The Real Archie’s Mysteries I Want Solved:
- So Jughead’s mom took Jellybean but left her son to be a homeless drifter? Granted, Jughead hid his home situation from all of his friends but if you were a mom leaving a bad domestic situation, wouldn’t you at the very least ask if some family friends could take your son in?
- Hermione says that the Lodge’s limited funds barely cover their rent. I know these women were living the Gossip Girl life prior to Hiram’s conviction but if they’re already taking an L by moving back to Riverdale, why don’t they rent a cheaper place?
- How large is Riverdale exactly? It’s small enough for only one major high school and Pop’s is the go-to spot for teenagers, adults, and negotiations with teenage runaways and evil Blossoms but it’s big enough to have Uber service and nightclubs?
- Polly and Betty meet the Blossoms at Pop’s, but no one bats an eye that the missing pregnant runaway girl is in their midst. Is the police even looking for her anymore?
- Why would Sheriff Keller suspect Jughead as Jason’s killer? Jughead was with him and Betty when they found the torched car.
- Did Jughead Get A Burger? Not yet. There would have been a perfect opportunity to put a hamburger on Jughead’s plate in the fantasy sequence but since there wasn’t, I guess I’m going to have to keep bitching about this.