Jul 24, 2017
Once Upon a Time: Ridiculously Bad Life Choices (S4:E20 - Insert obligatory weed reference here)
Regrets. We all have them. Sometimes they are little, like the time you drank too much and said those things you weren’t supposed to say. Sometimes they are big, like the time you ruined a friendship or broke the heart of someone you loved.
Sometimes they are friggin’ huge, like the time you kidnapped a baby, turned it into the biggest asshole ever, and dumped it through a time portal . . .
Oh, so you are saying you never did that last one? Maybe that’s just Snow and Charming . . .
This week’s installment of Once was all about the balance between taking responsibility for our own crappy mistakes and understanding that there are some things in life that simply cannot be changed . . . well . . . unless you happen to know an Author who can conveniently erase your mistakes for you, thereby allowing you to f*ck up to your heart’s content.
Also this week on Once, Swan Queen road trips, car chases, kids who change nationalities when they become adults, a heart that gets tossed around like a hot potato, and a baby conceived under the creepiest circumstances ever, and I’m not even talking about the one that hatched out of an egg . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Black Smoke Monster Cometh!
Bet you didn’t know the Black Smoke Monster from Lost is also the Sorcerer on Once Upon a Time. That sure is one busy time traveling fart . . .
As the episode begins, Old Hairy Homeless-Looking Mickey Mouse is pleading with the Black Smoke Monster Sorcerer. “Please don’t vacuum me up into fart oblivion like you did to the drug runner on Lost. I really didn’t mean to play a part in sucking all of Emma’s assholeness out of her and putting it into Lily. It just sort of happened.”
“Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. I don’t know what I expected, hiring a dumb unkempt hobo to be my apprentice. I blame that Author, which is why I locked him in a book forever, where he will never be found, until those meddling kids release him 30 years or so from now. . .”
Thirty years later . . .
Cruella’s Dead. It’s Vacation Time!
Our gang mourns Dead Socio Cruella for the required three minutes and twenty seconds (I wonder whose job it was to scoop up her squished body from the bottom of that cliff?), before heading back to Granny’s to get wasted. “I’m going to kill Rumpel for making me kill Cruella,” Emma says, her eyes filled with Asshole.
“Hey, ease up on the killing talk, Killer,” offers Snow. “That’s just the Asshole in you talking.”
“Shut up, I still hate you and your hideous haircut,” replies Emma.
“This has been fun and all, but I have to go rescue my boyfriend from his wife . . . the fake one, obviously,” Regina explains.
Enter Maleficent. “Hey guys. I’ve decided I want to change teams.”
“You’re going to become a lesbian?” Emma asks.
“No, silly. I was always a lesbian,” explains Maleficent. “Think about it, I asexually reproduced my daughter in an egg. I’m talking about joining Team Good Guys. I think you can help me find my daughter, Lily, somewhere in Massachusetts. You might remember her from back when she was a Latina girl in that flashback. She’s no longer Latina, since her face turned into another actress. But I’m sure you can find her anyway.”
“Well, this is awkward,” says Emma, when she sees the 30-year old birth announcement Maleficent found of Lily. (How did she know it was the same Lily, especially considering the girl changes nationalities every few years? Did the birth announcement mention she cracked out of an egg?)
“I was kind of an asshole to that little asshole, back in the day,” Emma admits.
“Aint’ fate a bitch,” offers Regina sympathetically. “Hey, I’ve got an idea, Emma. You and me can road trip to Massachusetts to pick up Lily, then New York to pick up Robin Hood, then Disney World to ride the scary Snow White ride, where you and I can both get out all of our aggression against your awful mother and her ridiculous hair.”
“Nobody cares,” Regina and Emma say in unison.
Regina and Emma quickly make arrangements for their road trip. Regina hires Maleficent to guard Belle’s heart from Rumpel. And Emma grudgingly hires her parents to watch Henry. She also sexts Captain Hook some naughty pics of her to keep him warm while she’s away. Just kidding, but they do share some serious PDA as she’s leaving and admit that they are part of one another’s happy endings . . .
It’s all very sweet. Captain Hook is going to be a brilliant housewife someday . . .
Driving Miss Mills
Emma and Regina’s research brings them to a crack den that was apparently Lily’s last known address.
While there, they come across a raging crack addict, who says that Lily was a total asshole, who died in a car crash, and good riddance to her. Emma responds to this piece of news by beating the crap out of the crack addict.
“Someone is overcompensating for something,” Regina muses, as she watches a grown man get beaten to a pulp by the Savior.
I smell another flashback . . .
So, your best friend is an asshole . . .
Once upon a time, there lived a teenager named Emma, who found herself in a very posh foster home in Minnesota (Not sure, if this was before or after she was fostered by the Snow Queen? After maybe?). The family is very WASPY and upper middle class, with their chore wheels, and camping trips, and take-out dinners from KFC.
While in the garage, Emma spies an intruder. Surprise! It’s Lily!
“Hey, girlfriend! Remember me from that last flashback, where you abandoned my ass after I told you I wasn’t really a foster kid? Well, I’ve turned into a huge asshole since then. Check it out,” she says pointing at the TV. “That’s me, committing an armed robbery. Can I live with you and your foster family now? I promise I’ll only murder you and your new family if you really piss me off.”
“Gee, you know, I would, but this is really a bad time,” explains Emma. “You should have committed armed robbery earlier when I was living with the Wacky Snow Queen. She had a much higher tolerance for assholes than my current family. We would have had to dye your hair blonde because she detested brunettes and gingers, but it totally would have worked.”
Emma’s foster parents find Lily, and she finagles herself an invite to dinner, falsely claiming that she is one of Emma’s orphan friends. Emma is furious with Lily about the lie and wants to kick Lily to the curb immediately after dinner. But Lily has a favor to ask of her first. “There’s this necklace that my birth mother gave to me. Can you steal it back for me from the heroin hacienda I’ve been squatting in with my 45-year-old boyfriend/sometimes pimp?”
“Your birth mother gave you a necklace?” Emma inquires. “But weren’t you hatched from an egg that was thrown through a time portal?”
“Sure, but the egg was wearing a necklace,” responds Lily. “Don’t try to make this show logical, just get me back my damn moon necklace, OK?”
Emma returns with the moon necklace, only to find that Lily has skipped off with Emma’s foster parents vacation money. “Turns out your friend is a major asshole and you are a lying hoodlum,” Emma’s foster parents explain. “We don’t think we want you around our real kids, because you might turn them into lying hoodlums like you, or worse, assholes like your felonious friend.”
Emma storms out of what, by this point, is probably her 568th house. You can imagine how pissed she is when she runs into Lily again at the bus station. “I did you a favor. You are welcome,” Lily says. “I freed you from that rich boring family so that you and me can live Assholey Ever After together.”
“No. Go away, you life-ruining asshole,” Emma shouts.
“Well, ain’t that the pot calling the kettle a life ruiner,” Lily says of the girl whose entire asshole she accidentally inhaled as a baby.
On a bus to who knows where, Lily runs into Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey, who starts spouting crazy sh*t at her, like that she’s the daughter of Maleficent and was born in an egg filled with asshole and that, because of this, she need not take any responsibility for her poor life choices, because the Asshole inside of her made her do it.
Most normal people would quickly change bus seats after hearing horsesh*t like that, but Lily stays and listens very carefully . . .
Then, she murders everyone on the bus, comforted in the knowledge that nothing bad she ever does is her fault . . .
Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke . . .
Open Heart Surgery
You know what’s awkward? When your ex-husband joins forces with your current boyfriend to steal your heart, literally.
“So Belle’s had no heart this whole time?” Will asks incredulously. “Weird, because it totally didn’t impact her performance in the bedroom. I guess you don’t need a heart to have amazing sex.”
Then, Rumpel murders Will, by stomping on his face with his boot repeatedly. Just kidding!
At Regina’s house, Rumpel easily distracts Maleficent with talk of her long lost asshole daughter, while Will sneaks in the back way and steals back Belle’s heart.
Unlike Lily, when Rumpel confronts Belle to return her heart to her body, the Dark One takes full responsibility for all his recent, and not so recent, assholey deeds.
“If I keep hurting you, my heart is literally going to shrivel up and turn to ash, and I’m going to croak. I’m not worthy of guarding your heart, so I’m going to let this random common criminal do it for me. He’s probably not worthy of your heart either, but you know what slim pickings the guy situation is in Storybrooke. So, he’ll have to do, at least until they bring that sexy Huntsman with the S&M addiction back from the dead . . .” Rumpel explains.
Belle appears to be truly touched by Rumpel’s sacrificial gesture. Then again, maybe that’s just heartburn . . .
Meanwhile, over in Massachusetts . . .
Best Frenemies Forever
After nearly running over a wolf in the road, Emma takes this as an omen that she should go get coffee from a rundown diner near where her car got a flat tire. At the diner, Emma chats up a waitress named “Starla,” who has the same star tattoo on her wrist that Lily did.
It doesn’t take long for Emma to realize that “Starla,” is actually an older, non-Latina version of her childhood frenemy, Lily. “Hey, Lily, remember me? Listen, I’m sorry about the whole my-parents-turned-you-into-an-asshole thing. But do you want to come back home with me and meet your supervillain, dragon-lady mom, who asexually produced you from an egg, you weird freak of nature?”
“No, thanks, I’m good,” says Lily. “I have to go take care of my daughter,” she says, as she kidnaps some random kid from a bus. “See, this is my daughter, or at least she will be, after I hold a gun to her head and tell her she must live with me forever or I will kill her real parents.”
Skeptical, Emma decides to break into Lily’s home, where she quickly learns that (1) Lily doesn’t really have a daughter; (2) she’s bat sh*t crazy; and (3) she has a stalker board with Emma’s face all over it.
Then, she finds all these Once Upon a Time DVDs on Lily’s counter and figures out that Lily knows everything about her true identity. That’s when Lily decides to steal Emma’s car and drive to Storybrooke. Emma and Regina steal a car, too, and quickly enter into a high speed car chase with Lily. (Fortunately, no one else is driving in the entire state of Massachusetts today, apart from the occasional sentient wolf, so the three women can repeatedly break every speed law in the book, uninterrupted by pesky cops or other drivers.)
Emma quickly careens her stolen car in front of Lily’s, causing the latter to stop short. “I hate your stupid parents for ruining my life and making me the biggest asshole in the history of assholes. And I hate your mother’s stupid hair. And when I get to Storybrooke, I’m going to murder your parents in their sleep,” yells Lily.
“Hey,” Emma exclaims. “Only Regina and I are allowed to hate my parents and want to murder them in their sleep. Stay back, guest star.”
Then, Emma cat fights with Lily, while Regina boredly looks on. “Amateurs,” she thinks to herself.
Then, Emma pulls a gun on Lily. “Just kill me,” Lily taunts. “What’s one more dead asshole on this show?”
“Sounds like a good idea,” Emma muses. “Any thoughts, Regina?”
“When you killed Cruella, it was an Asshole Crime of Passion. This would be Asshole Murder in the First Degree. I would advise against it,” counsels Regina.
“Fine,” Emma pouts, as she puts down the gun reluctantly.
“Well, now that that’s done, there’s only five more minutes left in the show,” explains Regina. “Just enough time to drive to New York from Massachusetts and rescue my married boyfriend from his wife.”
“Wanna come with, Lily?” Emma asks the woman she just two minutes ago nearly murdered.
“Sure, why not? I’ve got nothing better to do,” responds Lily. “Should we take your stolen car or mine?”
Regina and Robin share a rushed reunion in his apartment. (It’s rushed both because Faux Marion/Zelena is on her way home and because there’s almost no time left in the episode.) Regina quickly spills the beans to Robin about the whole bait-and-switch wife thing. “Your real wife is dead, and my evil ginger sister has body snatched her. Sorry,” explains Regina.
“Marion is dead? That explains why she’s such a bore,” Robin muses.
“No, I don’t think you are understanding what I’m saying . . .” Regina begins to explain again.
Then Faux Marion/Zelena comes home and makes things way easier by taking off her boring Marion face.
“Great, you finally get it, Robin,” says Regina. “Now grab your kid, and let’s go home.”
“Which kid?” Robin asks. “The six year old I haven’t seen in weeks because my evil fake wife locked him in the bathroom, or the one in my fake wife’s belly.”
That’s right, boys and girls. Robin Hood, Prince of Babes, has apparently hurried up and impregnated Faux Marion/Zelena sometime between the couple’s “reconciliation” two weeks ago and now.
It makes sense that he has such accurate sperm. He’s always been a really good shot . . .
OK, so let’s see. Zelena is Cora’s daughter and Regina’s half sister, which means that Robin’s wicked witch spawn is Regina’s half niece/nephew? This family tree is going to need its own zip code soon.
Until next time, Dearies . . .