May 29, 2018
Once Upon a Time RECAP: Revenge of the Blondes (S4:E6)
Sorry Brunettes, Gingers, Silver Foxes, and Raven-Haired Beauties! This week on Once, if your hair is not the color of sunshine, Tweety Bird or scrambled eggs, this woman wants you dead . . . like yesterday.
She’s Snow Hitler, basically . . .
Elsewhere in Fairytale Land, Belle did a pretty crappy thing to Anna for a pebble and an even crappier thing to Rumpelstiltskin for a hat box.
And Hook? Well, he didn’t do very much at all, save looking sexy and making some wry comments about how gosh darn incestuous Storybrooke has become . . .
Still so pretty though . . .
So hug your favorite Rock Troll and steer clear of evil mirrors that talk too much, because it’s time for another Once Upon a Time Recap . . .
Ogre and Out . . .
Once upon a time, Belle’s mother was eaten by Sloth from The Goonies . . .
Did I say Sloth from The Goonies? I meant a generic ogre.
Belle has repressed the memory of the horror of her mother being munched by an
loveable character from an 80’s kids movie ogre, but would very much like to get that wonderful memory back. (Because Sloth from The Goonies was funny? And the death of loved ones is super cool?) And so, she sneaks out of her house and heads to the land of Arendelle, where, apparently, a slew of rock trolls await her with bated breath, all of them clutching tightly to stolen memories of maternal dismemberment that they just can’t wait to return to their rightful owner.
While in Arendelle, Belle runs into Anna, who offers, “Hey, want to remember exactly what it looked like when a cross-eyed monster decapitated the lady that gave birth to you? Follow me! I can help!”
Gosh darn, that Anna from Frozen is adorable. Always willing to lend a helping hand to every character’s Life Lesson Masquerading As Flashback just because she can.
And because the writers are running out of clever ways for the characters to learn these lessons on their own.
You see, in case you’d forgotten from the hours and hours of Frozen promotion on this show, Anna is marrying Kristoff, who was raised by Rock Trolls, generally, and one in particular named Grand Pabbie, who is basically like Yoda for the fairytale set. He knows everything from how Kristoff smells in the morning to the color lipstick Belle’s mom was wearing before her face was casually devoured by an ogre . . .
Besides, Anna has other business to attend to with Grand Pabbie, like, for example, trying to figure out why, while Anna was off camping in Prince Charming’s and Rumpelstiltskin’s Life Lesson Masquerading As Flashback, some evil blonde wench showed up and tried to make Elsa call her auntie, thereby making this a doubly important Rock Troll Visit . . .
Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke . . .
The Evil Ice Cream Truck (Because Dairy Can Be Scary)
Emma calls a meeting at the police station so that the entire series regular cast of Once Upon a Time can watch the video from last week, proving that the Snow Queen was once the Miss Hannigan to Emma’s Little Orphan Blondie.
More information about this evil wench is needed, obviously, but none of the fairytale characters seem to know how to get it. Then Henry, whose character seems to have done nothing of value this season but go through puberty, helpfully offers that The Snow Queen own an Ice Cream Truck. And what better place to hide a book conveniently titled “My Evil Plans and Where I Hid the Ginger Girl From Frozen, by The Snow Queen” than in between some sprinkles and a vat of mint chocolate chip?
While staking out the Evil Ice Cream Truck, Emma and Hook make googly eyes at one another . . .
Also worshiping at the Altar of Googly Eyes are Regina and Robin Hood, the former of whom dumps the latter, but not before helpfully offering the following advice: “Hey buddy, if you weren’t such a big ole cheater, maybe your tongue kisses would melt your wife and she wouldn’t be a popsicle stick for life. Just a thought.”
Inside the Evil Ice Cream Truck, Emma conveniently finds a file that leads her to believe that she lived with the Snow Queen for as long as six months as a child, despite remembering positively none of it. Talk about a bad trip!
Also, Emma concludes that the Snow Queen must have loved her lots, because the Surrogate Momster kept all of Emma’s crappy kid art projects, the kind of thing no adult in their right mind would do unless they cared plenty . . . or had a lifelong dream of opening a Kid’s Crappy Art Projects Museum. But probably the former . . . no, definitely the former.
Speaking of lost painful memories about mommy-types . . .
Between a Rock Troll and a Hard Place
After climbing up a big ole rock mountain with Anna, Belle meets with Grand Pabbie, who shoots purple farts at her brain to make a pebble that purportedly contains the lovely memory of her mom’s left foot dangling out of the mouth of a hideous beast. “Make some tea over this Purple Fart Pebble, and you, my lucky girl, will instantly remember every traumatizing second of your mother’s death.”
“Awww, Grand Pabbie. You’re the best,” coos Belle.
“My turn,” exclaims Anna. “This blonde lady with the huge neon sign over her head that says ‘I’m evil’ is claiming to be a relative of mine. Should I be worried about my fate on a show where I have already been featured on five episodes but have not been made a series regular?”
“Yes, my child,” replies Grand Pabby. “This evil blonde wench is obviously one of your red-headed mother’s two missing and presumed dead sisters that I made everyone forget about a few years back for some inexplicable reason. She also seems to really, really hate gingers. So, good luck with like not dying and stuff . . .
On the way back down the mountain from their fateful meeting with Grand Pabbie, Anna and Belle encounter a storm. Both Anna and Purple Fart Pebble fall from the rocks and are placed in a precarious, life-threatening position. Who should Belle save? The ginger? Or the inanimate object that contains memories of her mother having her aorta sucked out of her body like it’s a jello pudding pop?
Suck it, Anna. Purple Fart Pebble wins!
In her moment of hesitation, Belle watches frustratedly as both Anna and Purple Fart Pebble fall seemingly to their deaths on the rocks. Then The Snow Queen magically appears, sweeps up the dying ginger in her cape, and whisks her away while Belle looks on from below, Purple Fart Pebble-free and completely dumbfounded.
Belle then returns home to her father, who promptly tells her, “Hey, guess what, you know that thing you traveled thousands of miles and nearly killed a ginger trying to remember? Well, I suspect it has something to do with the time your mom willingly allowed herself to be eaten by ogres to save your life.”
This realization is what prompts Belle to summon Rumple and agree to be his hostage, in exchange for his protecting the kingdom from mother-munching ogres, thus bringing Belle’s story full circle from when we first met her a few seasons back . . .
Verrrrrry interesting . . .
Also in the flashback, The Snow Queen traps Anna in a cage for all eternity, more or less, because she’s a ginger and The Snow Queen only wants skinny blonde ladies who shoot stuff out of their fingers to be part of her family. Poor Anna, first she gets shafted over a purple fart pebble and now this.
Girl, this just isn’t your day . . .
Back in the present day, Belle is rightfully a bit ashamed to be put face-to-face with the sister of the girl she more or less left for dead in exchange for a literal brain fart. While Belle and Elsa are hanging out in the library researching Evil Blonde Wenches, the plucky brunette not so politely excuses herself and heads back to her marital home with Rumpelstiltskin.
Recalling that her fair-weather ginger friend was holding an ornate “magical” hat box when she nearly died and was whisked away by the Evil Blonde Wench who turned out to be The Snow Queen, Belle comes up with the brilliant idea to get Rumpel to take her to The Snow Queen’s lair, steal the hatbox, and use it to (1) strip The Snow Queen of her powers and (2) find the ginger chick.
Rumpel thinks this is a positively awful idea and tells Belle as much. This causes Belle to attempt to mind control Rumpel into helping her with her sure-to-fail plan by using the Dark One Sword she thinks is real, but is actually fake.
And THAT causes Rumpel to have to pretend to be mind controlled or risk telling Belle that he’s been keeping the REAL Dark One Sword from her this whole time. (Oof, this episode has become an adventure in Lying Liars Who Lie.)
Belle makes her way to The Snow Queen’s lair, where she doesn’t find The Snow Queen but, instead, encounters a very familiar voice calling her name . . . her voice.
Well now, that’s not creepy at all . . .
Have you ever been in one of those moods where you are just really down on yourself and life in general, and you start basically berating yourself for everything that has ever gone wrong in your life? Well, imagine that times about 500, and you have an idea of what Belle is up against as she faces off with her Mirror Image from Hell . . .
Mirror Belle is SUPER bitchy, but in this smiling, passive aggressive way, a la Regina George on steroids.
What’s odd about the exchange is that everything she tells Belle about herself is more or less true. Belle did totally screw over Anna in the flashback and leave her for dead over a stupid pebble. She is being manipulated by Rumple, at least insofar as he gave her a fake Dark One Sword to prove his love to her. And while Belle is most of the time a pretty nice person (aspects of this episode notwithstanding), her Magical Library Book reading powers don’t exactly make her a Savior of the People.
When Rumple breaks through Belle’s fake mind control of him to rescue his lady love from The Snow Queen’s lair, a now Regina George Mirror-entranced Belle lashes out at him, accuses him of being a liar, and even slices his neck with the fake Dark One Sword. Trouble in Paradise, anyone?
Back at Rumple’s house, Belle admits everything to Rumple all her flashbacky purple fart pebble misdeeds, her Regina George Mirror run-in, and her doubting of the true power of the Dark One Sword. And Rumple?
Well . . . he admits nothing. But he does forgive her pretty quickly for the big ole boo boo on his neck, so at least he’s not being judgy!
Because Blondes Have More Fun . . . Killing People
Back at the Sheriff’s Station, our fairytale Scooby crew reveal the information they’ve learned from the actual episode along with a few conveniently placed books.
(1) Apparently, The Snow Queen is Ingrid, one of three sisters, the second being Elsa and Anna’s mom, and the third being some random chick named Helga. Something happened when they were kids that caused Ingrid and Helga to disappear and the rock trolls to make the whole town forget about their existence.
(2) Ever since then, Snow Queen’s (really weird) MO has been to replace her two now dead sisters with two blonde ladies with magical powers to make one big ole f*&ked up family. That’s why she sought out Emma in the first place.
(3) According to Belle, The Snow Queen is going to use the evil Regina George Mirror to make the entire town murder one another. Only the blondes will survive.
Back at The Snow Queen’s lair, Rumple confronts The Snow Queen with his Mega-Powerful, but Uber Unstylish Mickey Mouse Hat, in the hopes of using it as leverage to keep him and Belle safe from the Regina George Mirror . . . even though neither of them are blonde.
What’s an Evil Snow Queen who hates all hair colors other than her own to do? Tune in next time to find out, Onceians!