VIDEO: Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

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BONUS! Count Jackula and Horror Guru’s commentary:

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It’s a Zombie Apocalypse, as Count Jackula and Horror Guru try to unravel the mystery of Milla Jovovich’s near perfect ass.

UPDATED Nov. 2, 2012! In this bonus video, Count Jackula and Horror Guru provide commentary on their review of Resident Evil: Retribution!

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  • I think you may be overstating the awesomeness of that opening a bit, Jack. Sure, it’s a little novel at first in a “ooh, this is new” way (assuming you haven’t seen the trailers, of course), but it’s completely ineffective as actual horror or drama, because a) the dialogue is generic at best and lifetime movie awful at worst, and b) it’s way too short. And I don’t mean that in a “that was so good I want to see more” way, I mean the movie’s pacing is wack. Your brain barely has time to get used to the new surroundings before the zombies burst in and it’s back to business as usual. Honestly, every attempt the series makes to take itself seriously is always a mistake. The goofier and sillier it gets, the better it gets. That’s why the first one is easily the worst one. All Anderson really knows how to make is generic Matrix-fu with the enthusiasm of a twelve-year-old boy. He’s bad sure, but he’s a harmless kinda bad, and he can be quite entertaining if you’re in the mood for some good trash.

    • Event Horizon was pretty fantastic, I’ll give Anderson that. 

      • The_Stig

        Around the time of the last Resident Evil movie, I gave up on hating this franchise. Oh, they’re terrible movies filled with BIBLICAL levels of stupidity that there aren’t enough facepalms in the world for, but I’ve learned to accept it and the fact that this franchise is never going away. They’re going to keep making them until the end of time or until Jovovich and Anderson get a divorce. These movies are a ride. A stupid ride for people who take the short bus to work, but they’re a ride nonetheless. 

  • The_Stig

    How’d you get Mr. Plinkett to do the voice of the news anchor?

    And dammit, Jackula you beautiful bastard why must you taunt me with your awesome steampunk gear?

    • Actually, the Tom Brokejaw was played by one A. Philospher of Film & Nothingness fame:

      Check out his stuff, it’s really funny. =) 

      • The_Stig

        I know, I was just messing with you. But he DID sound like Mr. Plinkett though. A bad thing this is far from.

  • Thomas Stockel

    And once again my Friday gets off to a good start with another great review. :)

    I haven’t seen a single Resident Evil movie.  This review just confirms that my decision to abstain was the right one.  Many thanks for your suffering on my behalf.

    • Your welcome, Stockel. =) 

      And thank you for watching! =)

  • Goblin1001

    Kate Beckinsale’s ass is at LEAST as good as Milla’s, but even encased in black leather, it can’t save the UNDERWORLD movies any more than Milla’s hindquarters can make the RESIDENT EVIL flicks watchable.  Really, the heroines from those franchise are very much the same–  All style and no substance, perfect fighters who never feel like they;re in danger, with no depth or personality.

    • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

      Resident Evil is different in that the supporting heroines (Jill, Rain, K-Mart) are all vastly more interesting, while still providing details as to WHY Alice is so damn good at what she does.  So the movies are definitely not bad (I like them all actually).  Underworld on the other hand, doesn’t even come close to making Kate Beckinsale’s character relateable instead we are stuck with having to cheer for the half Vampire/Half Werewolf hybrid as a main character.  I tried to watch the other Underworld movies was so whelmed I fell asleep at every viewing…

      • ‘Eh, I’d at least give Underworld this: Selina’s at least more interesting than Alice, and Beckinsale’s performance is superior.  Though that’s not saying much in the grand scheme of things. =) 

    • I’d agree UNDERWORLD and RESIDENT EVIL have their fair share of similarities.  Both are horror-action franchises built around a stoic heroine played by the director’s wife. Good call.

  • MichaelANovelli

    And now, everyone knows my proper title!  Be sure to use it, from now on!

  • Please don’t end your videos like this again.  I . . . I don’t think I could take that.  

    Seriously though, you guys know how to put on a show! Very good review.

  • Sofie Liv

    Some-body ones asked me on face-book.

    “Why all the new contributors, porn critic? do you really need a porn critic?”

    And my immediate answer was.

    “Yes, yes we do.” because, I think we all agree at this point he is just comedy gold laying around. And I almost fell down the chair in shock when I first saw that cameo.. my god.. wauw.

    Great to hear some behind the scenes stuff, though I think my favourite video of yours thus far is actually the Paranomarl activity one right now, really liked that new way of going into a paranormal activity parody instead of going for the more obvious traditionel route.

    Also love to hear praise that concerns me :3

    All though, hehe, didn’t exactly doll up for you guys exclusively, I often shoot cameos like this on the same time as shooting regular reviews, and I shoot this straight after having shoot all of the footage for “Twilight Breaking dawn part 1” so well, if you play this clip and that review back to back, you can see I look exactly the same in them because I shoot them the same day, straight after one another.

    But oh well, I like to look pretty in front of a camera, so I probably would have `dolled up´regardless unless some-thing else is told to me, that’s what I always do.. that’s what i’ve been taught to do…  

  • MichaelANovelli

    Wait…is Rick wearing Aquaman panties?