OK it is time to get our olds on up in here and categorically state that crop tops are not evening red carpet wear. I will brook no disagreement with this statement. Are crop tops fine for going out to pick up milk or get on your private plane or whatever it is celebrities do in their free time? Sure, though it is a little bit of a tryhard. Are crop tops awesome when you are performing in a concert and also too have PVC shorts because why the hell not? But we are going to stand firm on the notion that crop tops are ruining America when they are worn as formalwear. This isn’t about being demure or some such nonsense because I am super into not-demure. It is about the fact that grown-up dress clothing should look like, well, grown-up dress clothing.

Gwyneth Paltrow for serious. You are a grown-ass person and that just makes it look like you wore the wrong size top that day. You should know better. Side eye to you too, Rihanna:

The crop top itself is unforgivable, and don’t even think about getting me started on the fact that you’re wearing a skirt that has pockets you can jam your hands in. No one looks good with their hands jammed in their skirt pockets. No. One.

Jennifer Lopez, you have a crop top on that also looks like one of those multi-layered peasant top things that ladies wore in the 1970s and they made everyone look like a child who was about to star in a hometown theater version of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

Why would you wear this thing? Do you hate you?

Even Solange Knowles, who I think is beautiful and talented and I would gay marry like 1000 times over, does not make this outfit OK:

If she had just gotten off the beach and it was 1973, this outfit would fucking rock. But it is really not 1973 and the red carpet is not a beach. Even Emma Watson, who I love unabashedly but not in that way because she is a child, for Pete’s sake, wore the crop top as dresswear recently:

You do not look fancy, grown-up Hermione and that makes me sad.

Who do I blame the most for the current ascendance of this fashion nightmare? Why, the person America blames the most for everything right now: Miley Cyrus.

What is that I don’t even. Knock it off, celebrity people. Do you really want to follow Miley Cyrus’ lead about, well, anything? No? I thought not.

[All Photos by PR Photos]