Jul 16, 2014
What Is Really Happening in Gustav Klimt’s ‘The Kiss’?
Gustav Klimt’s “The Kiss” is one of the purtiest paintings of all time. Seemingly depicting a pair of lovers in blissful embrace, it enhances dorm room walls across the world. But what’s really going on in this picture? Well I’m pleased to finally reveal the actual respective internal monologue of the lovers.
HIM: I love you.
HER: I mean I guess this is nice?
HIM: Oh, God, you are my smoochy boochy boo bear.
HER: My last boyfriend wasn’t really demonstrative and that always bothered me, so I suppose this is what I’ve wished for…sort of.
HIM: I want to cover you in applesauce because you are mon petit latke.
HER: My neck kind of hurts at this angle. Should I see a chiropractor? My friends say it’s pseudoscience but the times I’ve gone have been really helpful and ultimately relaxing. And that has value, right? Like even if it’s some kind of placebo effect or whatever.
HIM: I am never ever ever going to let you go.
HER: Shit, did I pay my Verizon bill?
HIM: Your skin is like white silk.
HER: I’m not trying to be nitpicky, but there’s a LOT of gold in this decor. I know I’m being stereotypical or whatever but I just never thought I’d be with a straight dude who was into gold lamé. Whatever, he’s nice and it’s on me to get over my own hangups about gender, I guess.
HIM: Your lips are a coral dream.
HER: Okay, this seriously has nada to do with gender, it’s just a pet peeve of mine: why is he wearing leaves in his fucking hair? Like, I know he’s into nature and the environment and I respect that, I do. I just feel like it’s not a good look for him. I’m not going to TELL him, but it makes me think that if he thinks leaves in his hair is a good idea, what else does he have in store for me? Ankle bracelets? Puka shell necklaces? I just can’t with that.
HIM: I am going to marry you in a blessed commingling of souls.
HER: God, I feel squished.